A lot has happened since my last blog. I was going to blog everything as it came, but I decided to just wait for everything to settle down, and write one blog after reflecting on it a little bit, probably for my own pride's sake of not whining about every little thing and letting people see how much I actually think about things. So..here's what's been going on in my life for the past couple of months.
So, I got a boyfriend. YUP!! A BOYFRIEND. First one since freshman year of high school. I GOT BACK ONTO THE ICE. After talking with a couple of guys, taking a few baby steps on the ice to get a feel, I found someone, and I got back out there in full swing. I really put myself out there, and it felt great.
But then I fell straight on my face.
Yup. Dumped after a little over a month. mmhmm.
When he first broke up with me, I kept thinking about what I could have done. What if I had been more affectionate? What if I had tried harder to make him act more as a boyfriend, instead of just letting him sleep all the time, would he have not lost interest? What if I had asked him to try harder, for just a LITTLE longer, instead of just giving it to him so easily, with a simple nod? Goodness, I even PUSHED him to do it! Telling him to say it, to say, "I think we should break up."
But, no. I know it's unhealthy to think that way, so I'm telling myself to stop. He told me it wasn't me. I'll trust him. Well... I'll try to trust him.
This was definitely a new feeling for me. I know I'm not heartbroken, I was nowhere near love. But that was the closest I've ever been to it. I wasn't quite sure how to deal with it. I tried to deal with it by taking care of business, because right after the official end, my first question was, what do we do now? How do the group dynamics change? I thought that because I was able to hold myself steady through the logistics of everything, I was handling things fairly well. I was proud of myself. However, the next few days proved me wrong. Completely wrong.
So someone in our group hosted a party, so of course both of us went. When I found out, I tried to act casual and cool about it, "Yeah, I'm fine. That just means I can return his shirt and jacket." But it was hard for me to just breathe. I fretted about my appearance. Should I go without make up, or with? Which would make it seem like I didn't care about the break up? Which shirt should I wear? Would wearing something he once complimented make him notice me more? I prepped myself for the night by repeating the same thoughts over and over.
Don't cry in front them. Don't make a scene about the break up. Don't drink to the point of puking.
Well, I succeeded in not doing any of those. But...I did other things that I'm not too proud of. Hah. That's an understatement. I did other things that had me straight out panicking for the rest of the weekend, and then some. These incidents came at me like a storm, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle them, how to control myself. I started to panic, scared that I was going to continue making reckless mistakes. It got to the point of me actually having something of a melt down. Even my friends noticed that there was something wrong, and no one usually notices when I'm down, because I always act like I'm okay. But they noticed, and that showed me how bad I was, and how much I needed to talk to someone.
But I was scared to. What would they think of me? Luckily, I was able to talk to Sa-Sempai, and I'm thankful to God for blessing me with my friendship with her. After I got everything out, words and tears alike, I finally started to feel better, and to heal myself of him, and of me.
So, I'm still healing. I'm not 100%, but I'm getting there. Until I'm there, I'm just going to smile, because I deserve to.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Brain Fart 26: Ice Skating
If you have already heard my whole "ice skating' epiphany thang, then go ahead and ignore this blog. I'm just writing in case the I ever want to talk about this again with anyone else, although I don't think I will. But JUST IN CASE, cuz I don't want to have to type that whole thing out again!! lol so I'll write it here, and just send them the link. Anyways, yes. ice-skating. epiphany. thang.
Ice skating. My history with it is very limited. I've gone ice skating maybe 2 or 3 times in my life. Every time I've ice skated, I gained a little experience, but not much. Whenever I get on the ice, I'm always very cautious, because I've heard many times that if you fall, it will hurt alot ((lol sorry I couldn't help but think of ALOT monster from the Hyperbole and a Half blog hahahaha)). So, the few times I've been ice skating, I've aways been very cautious, always went slow, never did anything more than the very basic(I don't even really know how to stop, turn, whatever). Once, it seemed like I was getting better, so I started going faster. Then, some guy came up and got his skate tangled with mine. He came out okay, I fell on my butt. It wasn't a very bad fall, and it didn't even hurt that much. But it reminded me of the possible HUGE pain that I'd been warned about so many times. So I went back to being super cautious, and going really slowly.
Love life. My history with it is very limited. I've had one boyfriend, and "talked" to a few guys. Every time I've been involved with someone, I gained a little experience, but not much. Whenever I like someone, I'm always very cautious, because I've heard many times that it could end up hurting a lot. So, I always am very cautious with my feelings, always took things super slowly, was easy to back away from things, etc. Every once in a while, when things seem to be going okay with a guy, I drop my guard, and invest my feelings in him a little more. But then sometimes, something bad happens. The guy just isn't that interested in me, likes someone else, etc etc, blah blah, all the things i wrote about in that one blog hecka long ago. It doesn't break my heart or anything, but it reminds me of the possible heartbreak that could happen if I let myself really like someone. So I don't let myself openly it when I like someone, I try not to invest my feelings in anyone, I keep my guard up, and I'm super cautious.
But. If I never put myself out there, even with the risk of falling, even with the risk of being hurt, how will I ever learn? I just need to get out there, and realize that I will probably get hurt at least a few times. Sure, it'll hurt. A lot. I'll probably cry, a lot. But then, I'll survive, and move on to better things. But I won't ever learn if I don't even try.
This goes for ice skating. This goes for my love life. This goes for my whole life.
Ice skating. My history with it is very limited. I've gone ice skating maybe 2 or 3 times in my life. Every time I've ice skated, I gained a little experience, but not much. Whenever I get on the ice, I'm always very cautious, because I've heard many times that if you fall, it will hurt alot ((lol sorry I couldn't help but think of ALOT monster from the Hyperbole and a Half blog hahahaha)). So, the few times I've been ice skating, I've aways been very cautious, always went slow, never did anything more than the very basic(I don't even really know how to stop, turn, whatever). Once, it seemed like I was getting better, so I started going faster. Then, some guy came up and got his skate tangled with mine. He came out okay, I fell on my butt. It wasn't a very bad fall, and it didn't even hurt that much. But it reminded me of the possible HUGE pain that I'd been warned about so many times. So I went back to being super cautious, and going really slowly.
Love life. My history with it is very limited. I've had one boyfriend, and "talked" to a few guys. Every time I've been involved with someone, I gained a little experience, but not much. Whenever I like someone, I'm always very cautious, because I've heard many times that it could end up hurting a lot. So, I always am very cautious with my feelings, always took things super slowly, was easy to back away from things, etc. Every once in a while, when things seem to be going okay with a guy, I drop my guard, and invest my feelings in him a little more. But then sometimes, something bad happens. The guy just isn't that interested in me, likes someone else, etc etc, blah blah, all the things i wrote about in that one blog hecka long ago. It doesn't break my heart or anything, but it reminds me of the possible heartbreak that could happen if I let myself really like someone. So I don't let myself openly it when I like someone, I try not to invest my feelings in anyone, I keep my guard up, and I'm super cautious.
But. If I never put myself out there, even with the risk of falling, even with the risk of being hurt, how will I ever learn? I just need to get out there, and realize that I will probably get hurt at least a few times. Sure, it'll hurt. A lot. I'll probably cry, a lot. But then, I'll survive, and move on to better things. But I won't ever learn if I don't even try.
This goes for ice skating. This goes for my love life. This goes for my whole life.
Brain Fart 25: 3 in 1 UPDATE
Sorry it's been so long!! I've been pretty busy with school and whatnot, and my free time has been filled with laziness. But I'm back!!
So let's see... I'm a 3rd year at Davis, going into winter quarter. I have a part time job at the school's food court. I'm dancing as much as I can given the limited free time I have. I co-lead for a Bible study group. ... Well, that's it for the everyday, boring stuff, let's move on to the juicier things.
So, this summer was quite eventful. I was a counselor at my church's annual Youth Camp for the first time. =D And I caught a stalker!! And during both of these events, I developed crushes on some guys. Let's call them Red and Green.
So, long stories short... Red and I were both counselors at Youth Camp, and I developed a crush on him there. Then, Green and I hung out a little over summer. I told him about this creeper who kept calling me under a blocked number in the middle of the night, and Green helped me trap the guy's calls, and found out who it was. I became attracted to Green as well, but not as much as I was to Red. This all didn't really matter, until they both revealed to me that they were both attracted to me, too.
However, as time went on, I spent more time with Green, and less time with Red. By doing this, I started to "like" Green more, although my "crush" on Red was still bigger. [btw, my definition of 'crush' is how a little girl likes a prince, or some POP star. 'like' only begins when you start to know the guy] But recently, it just feels like Red doesn't even care. And it has always felt like he was mostly just physically attracted to me, anyways, so I'm basically giving up on him. As for Green...we're still seeing how that's going, although I think we've definitely gotten closer to each other. Our time together is less sporadic, and communication just seems much more consistent.
We'll see how that goes.
Moving onto another topic, my Christian fellowship. Basically, I've felt very distanced from them recently. I just don't feel like I can open up to many people there, I can't be myself around them. I can't, because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me, what with all my sin and whatnot. And this is a problem within this fellowship. We seem so strict in how we view things such as drinking alcohol, dating, etc. Then, because of that, people feel like they have to put up a "goody-goody" front, so that no one will judge them, and they won't be isolated from the group, as I have seen happen to some members in the past. But, then we aren't really a family, which is what we should be, brothers and sisters with Christ. How can we be a family if we can't trust each other with the truth about ourselves?
I drink alcohol, and I'm not 21. That's a sin. I know that, but that's probably not gonna make me stop. I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth. That's the truth about me, and the truth about sin. Knowing something is a sin won't necessarily stop you from committing that sin. But, because I'm worried about what my fellow fellowshippers will think, I don't tell them about that side of me. Especially since I'm a co-leader in a Bible Study group. This group makes a really big fuss about making sure that its leaders are very "good." They believe that the leaders must set a good example to the underclassmen, so that they may follow the right path, too.
But, honestly, that's crap. Me saying that I don't drink is not going to stop the freshmen from not drinking. If they're gonna drink, they're gonna drink. Then, instead, because they think I don't drink, they'll probably think that I'll judge them for drinking. So, they'll probably just not tell anyone, and they'll put up a "goody-goody" front and not really get to KNOW anyone, just like me, just like the upperclassmen before me. It's a horrible cycle that just leads to superficial relationships with people you think don't know you, nor care about you. It's been on my mind to just come clean. I want to tell them the truth. I keep thinking that if I can just truly open myself up, then maybe I can start making some real relationships within this fellowship, and become a family with my fellow brothers and sisters. However, the fear of being isolated from the group, and maybe even kicked out from my position as a co-leader of Bible study, still makes me hesitate.
We'll see how that goes.
I'm sorry if this blog is wildly unorganized and hard to read. I'm writing this at 5am. Why? Because I'm hoping that by writing this, getting all this off my chest, I can get some sleep without all these vivid, not so pleasant dreams that I've been having these past couple of weeks. But yeah, let's get some dream journals in. Here's a short description of the two most vivid dreams I've had recently:
~there was a monster invasion. this dream was very much like a movie. there were scenes with fighting and killing in it, and there were inbetween scenes, when i got to hunt for food, bury the dead, and think the depressing ideas that people i love are dying, i may die soon, etc etc. woke up depressed.
~my friend (H) and i were watching a movie with another friend (R). friend H made a move on me, but i pushed him away. he got violent, and started attacking me. we fought, i fought him off, and got him outta my house. after that, he started stalking me, and following me whenever i went to school (i guess i was in hs still lol). one day, he attacked me while i was walking back home, but i fought him off again, and ran in the house. boarded up the house, but i knew he could still get in. so i found all the knives i could, and chose which ones i wanted to use, hid them in random places, and stood, waiting for him to break in. long time waiting. finally, he breaks in. i wake up feeling scared, and guilty for making my friend such a bad guy in my dream =[
~~UPDATE COMPLETED~~
So let's see... I'm a 3rd year at Davis, going into winter quarter. I have a part time job at the school's food court. I'm dancing as much as I can given the limited free time I have. I co-lead for a Bible study group. ... Well, that's it for the everyday, boring stuff, let's move on to the juicier things.
So, this summer was quite eventful. I was a counselor at my church's annual Youth Camp for the first time. =D And I caught a stalker!! And during both of these events, I developed crushes on some guys. Let's call them Red and Green.
So, long stories short... Red and I were both counselors at Youth Camp, and I developed a crush on him there. Then, Green and I hung out a little over summer. I told him about this creeper who kept calling me under a blocked number in the middle of the night, and Green helped me trap the guy's calls, and found out who it was. I became attracted to Green as well, but not as much as I was to Red. This all didn't really matter, until they both revealed to me that they were both attracted to me, too.
However, as time went on, I spent more time with Green, and less time with Red. By doing this, I started to "like" Green more, although my "crush" on Red was still bigger. [btw, my definition of 'crush' is how a little girl likes a prince, or some POP star. 'like' only begins when you start to know the guy] But recently, it just feels like Red doesn't even care. And it has always felt like he was mostly just physically attracted to me, anyways, so I'm basically giving up on him. As for Green...we're still seeing how that's going, although I think we've definitely gotten closer to each other. Our time together is less sporadic, and communication just seems much more consistent.
We'll see how that goes.
Moving onto another topic, my Christian fellowship. Basically, I've felt very distanced from them recently. I just don't feel like I can open up to many people there, I can't be myself around them. I can't, because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me, what with all my sin and whatnot. And this is a problem within this fellowship. We seem so strict in how we view things such as drinking alcohol, dating, etc. Then, because of that, people feel like they have to put up a "goody-goody" front, so that no one will judge them, and they won't be isolated from the group, as I have seen happen to some members in the past. But, then we aren't really a family, which is what we should be, brothers and sisters with Christ. How can we be a family if we can't trust each other with the truth about ourselves?
I drink alcohol, and I'm not 21. That's a sin. I know that, but that's probably not gonna make me stop. I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth. That's the truth about me, and the truth about sin. Knowing something is a sin won't necessarily stop you from committing that sin. But, because I'm worried about what my fellow fellowshippers will think, I don't tell them about that side of me. Especially since I'm a co-leader in a Bible Study group. This group makes a really big fuss about making sure that its leaders are very "good." They believe that the leaders must set a good example to the underclassmen, so that they may follow the right path, too.
But, honestly, that's crap. Me saying that I don't drink is not going to stop the freshmen from not drinking. If they're gonna drink, they're gonna drink. Then, instead, because they think I don't drink, they'll probably think that I'll judge them for drinking. So, they'll probably just not tell anyone, and they'll put up a "goody-goody" front and not really get to KNOW anyone, just like me, just like the upperclassmen before me. It's a horrible cycle that just leads to superficial relationships with people you think don't know you, nor care about you. It's been on my mind to just come clean. I want to tell them the truth. I keep thinking that if I can just truly open myself up, then maybe I can start making some real relationships within this fellowship, and become a family with my fellow brothers and sisters. However, the fear of being isolated from the group, and maybe even kicked out from my position as a co-leader of Bible study, still makes me hesitate.
We'll see how that goes.
I'm sorry if this blog is wildly unorganized and hard to read. I'm writing this at 5am. Why? Because I'm hoping that by writing this, getting all this off my chest, I can get some sleep without all these vivid, not so pleasant dreams that I've been having these past couple of weeks. But yeah, let's get some dream journals in. Here's a short description of the two most vivid dreams I've had recently:
~there was a monster invasion. this dream was very much like a movie. there were scenes with fighting and killing in it, and there were inbetween scenes, when i got to hunt for food, bury the dead, and think the depressing ideas that people i love are dying, i may die soon, etc etc. woke up depressed.
~my friend (H) and i were watching a movie with another friend (R). friend H made a move on me, but i pushed him away. he got violent, and started attacking me. we fought, i fought him off, and got him outta my house. after that, he started stalking me, and following me whenever i went to school (i guess i was in hs still lol). one day, he attacked me while i was walking back home, but i fought him off again, and ran in the house. boarded up the house, but i knew he could still get in. so i found all the knives i could, and chose which ones i wanted to use, hid them in random places, and stood, waiting for him to break in. long time waiting. finally, he breaks in. i wake up feeling scared, and guilty for making my friend such a bad guy in my dream =[
~~UPDATE COMPLETED~~
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Brain Fart 24: Hand to Head!
So my friend from AACF (my Christian fellowship), Jack-E, and I have this inside joke where we touch each others heads and say "Hand to head! Hand to head!!" Weird, right? Ok, well, let me explain. There was this sermon where the pastor was talking about relationships between people, and he talked about this book that talked about 12 levels of contact that measured the closeness with a person. Well, hand to head contact was one of the more intimate forms of physical contact one could have with another. Since it was one of the last levels in the book before things got awkward and inappropriate, Jack-E and I chose this one as our inside joke to show our closeness.
Well, today I got to see her again for the first time in a while, and we did our "hand to head" thing, had our laughs about it, fun stuff. Then, I realized that I was actually truly happy, and had that nice, warm fuzzy feeling inside. Which, by the way, is surprising because I was actually feeling relatively emo and depressed today. I think I was feeling emo because I was thinking about my relationships with people, and was going through my usual insecurities of "maybe I really don't have that many friends, and least not really"-ness. Basically, for a while, I've felt disconnected and distanced from AACF, and that I don't actually have that many good friends there. But somehow, my "hand to head" with Jack-E was able to immediately make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I felt loved again, just after a simple touch. How??
So I was kinda thinking about that as Jack-E was driving me home from our fellowship's dinner event. And I came to the conclusion that physical touch is very important to relationships. Now, now, I don't mean that in a sexual, weird, perverted way. So please don't take this as an excuse to go and harass someone and say, "well, Courtney said it was good to touch!!" No. I don't mean it that way. It's just that, I think physical touch is a good way to see if someone really cares about you. I was running through a list of "friends" in my head. There are friends. Then there are friends. I started separating my friends into each category.
I noticed that the real friends all have a habit of making physical contact with me. Whether it was hugs or high fives, poking or punching me, hand-to-heads or shoulders or arms, there is almost always some form of physical contact between my real friends and me. I wonder what the reason for physical contact between close friends is... Is it that it's a way to get a closer look into how someone is feeling? or is it to get a reaction out of them that most other people don't see often? I really don't know the reason, but either way, it's good. Because that is how I know that those are the friends who actually really care about me, what I'm up to, and even how I feel. Those are the friends who will ask how I'm doing, and ask for details. They are the ones who will look for me if I've gone missing. They are the ones who will search me out at a party and take care of my drunk butt. They are the ones who will probably still seek me out years from now just to see how I'm doing. And they can be sure that I will also be seeking them out, too.
So I guess this is kinda just my shout out to them, to you (you know who you are, or at least I hope you do). Thank you for caring about me, for making me feel loved. If you're one of them, then there's a chance that I may hit you a lot. I know, it's weird that I hit people that I care about. But, if this is you, then I hope you don't take that offensively, because I only do that to people I feel close with, meaning I feel close with you. Anyways, I just wanted to thank those friends out there who really care about me. When I start feeling insecure about my relationships with people, I think of you, and I know that I at least have you, that God at least blessed me with your friendship. I thank Him for that every time. I thank you for that.
<3 Courtney
Well, today I got to see her again for the first time in a while, and we did our "hand to head" thing, had our laughs about it, fun stuff. Then, I realized that I was actually truly happy, and had that nice, warm fuzzy feeling inside. Which, by the way, is surprising because I was actually feeling relatively emo and depressed today. I think I was feeling emo because I was thinking about my relationships with people, and was going through my usual insecurities of "maybe I really don't have that many friends, and least not really"-ness. Basically, for a while, I've felt disconnected and distanced from AACF, and that I don't actually have that many good friends there. But somehow, my "hand to head" with Jack-E was able to immediately make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I felt loved again, just after a simple touch. How??
So I was kinda thinking about that as Jack-E was driving me home from our fellowship's dinner event. And I came to the conclusion that physical touch is very important to relationships. Now, now, I don't mean that in a sexual, weird, perverted way. So please don't take this as an excuse to go and harass someone and say, "well, Courtney said it was good to touch!!" No. I don't mean it that way. It's just that, I think physical touch is a good way to see if someone really cares about you. I was running through a list of "friends" in my head. There are friends. Then there are friends. I started separating my friends into each category.
I noticed that the real friends all have a habit of making physical contact with me. Whether it was hugs or high fives, poking or punching me, hand-to-heads or shoulders or arms, there is almost always some form of physical contact between my real friends and me. I wonder what the reason for physical contact between close friends is... Is it that it's a way to get a closer look into how someone is feeling? or is it to get a reaction out of them that most other people don't see often? I really don't know the reason, but either way, it's good. Because that is how I know that those are the friends who actually really care about me, what I'm up to, and even how I feel. Those are the friends who will ask how I'm doing, and ask for details. They are the ones who will look for me if I've gone missing. They are the ones who will search me out at a party and take care of my drunk butt. They are the ones who will probably still seek me out years from now just to see how I'm doing. And they can be sure that I will also be seeking them out, too.
So I guess this is kinda just my shout out to them, to you (you know who you are, or at least I hope you do). Thank you for caring about me, for making me feel loved. If you're one of them, then there's a chance that I may hit you a lot. I know, it's weird that I hit people that I care about. But, if this is you, then I hope you don't take that offensively, because I only do that to people I feel close with, meaning I feel close with you. Anyways, I just wanted to thank those friends out there who really care about me. When I start feeling insecure about my relationships with people, I think of you, and I know that I at least have you, that God at least blessed me with your friendship. I thank Him for that every time. I thank you for that.
<3 Courtney
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Brain Fart 23: New Life Church
I love New Life Church, which is where I go when I'm in Fairfield. Mom discovered it quite a few years ago, but I only just started to go on a somewhat regular basis ("somewhat" because I'm regular only when I'm in Fairfield) just this year. However, I've gone enough to realize something: I do not feel completely comfortable going to church with Mom, Lindsay, and probably Dad if he went to church. Errrr if any of you are reading this (and you probably ALL are), please don't take it the wrong way. It's totally not because of you.
I know I've said this before, so I think we all know by now that I just do not like to be vulnerable in front of my family, and I think that applies to this, too. Back when I was younger, before college, I had no problem going to church with my family. It was just like hanging out with family friends. Sing songs, pray (or sleep while everyone else prayed), listen to some guy talk (or sleep while everyone else listened to some guy talk), play dodgeball, etc, etc, whatever.
Then I got to college. I totally thought I was just gonna party it up, drink, live the college life. Then, I was brought to AACF. Changed. My. Life. I mean, sure, Youth Camp brought me to acknowledge Jesus as my savior, and I took the first few steps into my faith. But AACF is where I made my relationship with God personal. That is when I started going to church on a regular basis of my own accord. I even attempted doing devotions everyday (that failed back then, but I'm now attempting to stay regular at that, too). And it wasn't just my practices that changed. My whole mindset in a Christian setting changed. I started to actually try to make things personal between God and me. I started to try to open myself up, and make myself vulnerable to God's power and love.
I am still that way now. But, I have realized that it is much harder to let myself be like that when my family is around. For example, I can not really get into singing worship songs without feeling self-conscious around them. It is so stupid of me. Why should I get embarrassed about my love for God? Why should I let that stop me from worshiping God? But, because of this, I have started to intentionally go to church at a different time from the rest of the family. It feels wrong that I go separate from the family, but I also feel like it would be wrong to not give my all to God, which is what happens when I go with Mom and Lindsay.
Unfortunately, simply acknowledging this problem won't make it any better. So, for now, I might keep going to church at a separate time from the rest of the family. Or maybe I'll just suck it up, go to church with everyone, and slowly get used to it? I don't even know...
I know I've said this before, so I think we all know by now that I just do not like to be vulnerable in front of my family, and I think that applies to this, too. Back when I was younger, before college, I had no problem going to church with my family. It was just like hanging out with family friends. Sing songs, pray (or sleep while everyone else prayed), listen to some guy talk (or sleep while everyone else listened to some guy talk), play dodgeball, etc, etc, whatever.
Then I got to college. I totally thought I was just gonna party it up, drink, live the college life. Then, I was brought to AACF. Changed. My. Life. I mean, sure, Youth Camp brought me to acknowledge Jesus as my savior, and I took the first few steps into my faith. But AACF is where I made my relationship with God personal. That is when I started going to church on a regular basis of my own accord. I even attempted doing devotions everyday (that failed back then, but I'm now attempting to stay regular at that, too). And it wasn't just my practices that changed. My whole mindset in a Christian setting changed. I started to actually try to make things personal between God and me. I started to try to open myself up, and make myself vulnerable to God's power and love.
I am still that way now. But, I have realized that it is much harder to let myself be like that when my family is around. For example, I can not really get into singing worship songs without feeling self-conscious around them. It is so stupid of me. Why should I get embarrassed about my love for God? Why should I let that stop me from worshiping God? But, because of this, I have started to intentionally go to church at a different time from the rest of the family. It feels wrong that I go separate from the family, but I also feel like it would be wrong to not give my all to God, which is what happens when I go with Mom and Lindsay.
Unfortunately, simply acknowledging this problem won't make it any better. So, for now, I might keep going to church at a separate time from the rest of the family. Or maybe I'll just suck it up, go to church with everyone, and slowly get used to it? I don't even know...
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Brain Fart 22: Games
I love games. Board games, video games, card games, weird Christian-made games, run-around-in-fields-like-fools games, all of them. However, there a certain kind of game that I have always hated. That would be the "relationship games". You know, like "hard to get," or "pretend to be into someone else to see if he will get jealous" types of games. I think those are pretty immature, and are disasters waiting to happen. Too bad I kind of play those games, too.
The game I play is "give them my attention then take it away." This is how it goes:
When I first become interested, I initiate IM conversations every chance I get. Then, after a while, I stop IMing them. After that, I leave it up to them to IM me. I do this to see if they care enough to notice that I'm gone, if I left a big enough impression on them to make them notice my absence.
Yeah, it's pretty immature. I hate that I play those childish games. However, I realize that I don't do that necessarily with just guys I'm interested in. I apply it to a lot of other friendships in my life. It's not really about the game to me. It's more like... making sure I'm not investing in a relationship that the other party is not also investing in. You see, as most of you probably know by now, I have some serious issues with insecurity. Due to past events, I have problems with trusting that people won't leave me, or "drop" me (referring back to the "Toy Story of my Life" blog).
So, through the game, I see who cared enough about me to notice when I stopped IMing them. And even more, I see who missed me enough to IM me first. I figure, if they care that much, then they are also investing in our relationship (or friendship), and that I can trust that they won't so easily let go of it. Unfortunately, it's not really all that efficient, and it doesn't always work.
But who cares? It's just a game.
The game I play is "give them my attention then take it away." This is how it goes:
When I first become interested, I initiate IM conversations every chance I get. Then, after a while, I stop IMing them. After that, I leave it up to them to IM me. I do this to see if they care enough to notice that I'm gone, if I left a big enough impression on them to make them notice my absence.
Yeah, it's pretty immature. I hate that I play those childish games. However, I realize that I don't do that necessarily with just guys I'm interested in. I apply it to a lot of other friendships in my life. It's not really about the game to me. It's more like... making sure I'm not investing in a relationship that the other party is not also investing in. You see, as most of you probably know by now, I have some serious issues with insecurity. Due to past events, I have problems with trusting that people won't leave me, or "drop" me (referring back to the "Toy Story of my Life" blog).
So, through the game, I see who cared enough about me to notice when I stopped IMing them. And even more, I see who missed me enough to IM me first. I figure, if they care that much, then they are also investing in our relationship (or friendship), and that I can trust that they won't so easily let go of it. Unfortunately, it's not really all that efficient, and it doesn't always work.
But who cares? It's just a game.
Brain Fart 21: If I Had a Little White Box to Put My Jesus In
If I had a little white box to put my Jesus in
I'd take Him out and **kiss kiss kiss** and share Him with a friend.
And if I had a little black box to put the devil in
I'd take him out and SMASH HIS HEAD and put him back again.
hahahaha I love this song, it's so funny! It's one of the only Jesus songs I know where you can actually be violent! But that's not the point.
The point I'm thinking about is putting Jesus (or God) in a box. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of putting limits on who God is, what He thinks, or what He can do. Sometimes, I feel like people make God sound like such an uptight, narrow-minded stick in the mud. I hear sermons all the time about how we should or should not do this or that because "God says so." How do we know that? Sure, there's the Bible. It tells us a lot about God. A LOT. But who are we to say that that is all God has to say? I mean, just between the Old and New Testament, lots of things changed. We (or maybe it's just me) tend to see the Old Testament as the time of just rules, and punishments for not following those rules. Then we read the New Testament, which seems to throw the rulebook to the wind. People are forgiven of their sins, and all is happy and dandy and puppies rolling around in meadows. Things were so different, that people didn't believe that Jesus was God's son BECAUSE it was so different. They thought, "How could this possibly be God's son when he doesn't follow God's usual way of doing things at all?"
But God was there in ALL of it. From the stiff ways of the Old Testament to the loosey-goosey ways of the New Testament, God was there. Which shows us just how big God is. He is beyond our imagination. And yet, here we are, saying things like "God doesn't like this. He doesn't want that."Or, "God doesn't like gay people. He doesn't want them to get married. He wants us to stop them." ((Yeah, that's right, I just went there! I'm a "No on prop.8"-er all the way!))
Ya know, I totally had a lot more to say on this topic. I had things swimming in my head about how that mind-set of "putting God in a box" makes Christianity seem like it's no fun when it really is and stuff like that. However, I can't find a clever way to put that in here, and I'm too tired to try and work it in, so I'll just lay it out there and let you think about it for yourself =]
Bottom line: I don't like putting God in a box. He's too awesome for that. Ze END!!!!
I'd take Him out and **kiss kiss kiss** and share Him with a friend.
And if I had a little black box to put the devil in
I'd take him out and SMASH HIS HEAD and put him back again.
hahahaha I love this song, it's so funny! It's one of the only Jesus songs I know where you can actually be violent! But that's not the point.
The point I'm thinking about is putting Jesus (or God) in a box. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of putting limits on who God is, what He thinks, or what He can do. Sometimes, I feel like people make God sound like such an uptight, narrow-minded stick in the mud. I hear sermons all the time about how we should or should not do this or that because "God says so." How do we know that? Sure, there's the Bible. It tells us a lot about God. A LOT. But who are we to say that that is all God has to say? I mean, just between the Old and New Testament, lots of things changed. We (or maybe it's just me) tend to see the Old Testament as the time of just rules, and punishments for not following those rules. Then we read the New Testament, which seems to throw the rulebook to the wind. People are forgiven of their sins, and all is happy and dandy and puppies rolling around in meadows. Things were so different, that people didn't believe that Jesus was God's son BECAUSE it was so different. They thought, "How could this possibly be God's son when he doesn't follow God's usual way of doing things at all?"
But God was there in ALL of it. From the stiff ways of the Old Testament to the loosey-goosey ways of the New Testament, God was there. Which shows us just how big God is. He is beyond our imagination. And yet, here we are, saying things like "God doesn't like this. He doesn't want that."Or, "God doesn't like gay people. He doesn't want them to get married. He wants us to stop them." ((Yeah, that's right, I just went there! I'm a "No on prop.8"-er all the way!))
Ya know, I totally had a lot more to say on this topic. I had things swimming in my head about how that mind-set of "putting God in a box" makes Christianity seem like it's no fun when it really is and stuff like that. However, I can't find a clever way to put that in here, and I'm too tired to try and work it in, so I'll just lay it out there and let you think about it for yourself =]
Bottom line: I don't like putting God in a box. He's too awesome for that. Ze END!!!!
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