TOO MANY SERIOUS BLOGS!!!
LOL sorry guys!! On a lighter note, here's my most recent and memorable dream.
The ex and his friend came up to me at some restaurant. They sat me down and sat on the other side of the booth from me. Both of them sat very seriously, and took deep breaths. Then, at the same time, they said...
Courtney, we're a little worried about you. See, you've gained a LOT of weight recently, and...
NOOOOOOOO was what screamed through my mind as I woke up.
SUPER scary.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Brain Fart 30: Losing and Gaining Faith
Recently, I feel like things have just been going downhill for me. I thought summer was going to help me feel better, but in some ways, it's been making things worse. With not much to do, I've had too much time to just sit in the middle of some unwanted thoughts and feelings.
Even though summer and time have been working against me, at least my friends are still a source of happiness, right? Or...maybe not. Now, even some of my friends are making things hard on me. Things have just NOT been going my way, and it's making me go crazy!! I don't usually say this, but recently, I've just wanted to shout out, "I HATE PEOPLE!!!" (like someone else I know. =P)
Honestly, with all of the crap that's been going on, from people changing on me to being two-faced to being just plain inconsiderate and rude, I feel like I've lost a lot of faith in people in general. It makes me really sad and disappointed. I don't even know what to do anymore.
However, although I have lost faith in many, I have gained a LOT of faith in a few. And that's what keeps me going with a smile on my face. So, I would like to give a shout out to those who have helped me in this hard time, those who have built my trust and faith in them. Here's to you.
Jack-ee! Thank you for ALWAYS being there for me. You've been such a great source of unconditional support and love. You are my role-model as a loving Christian. I am glad that within this community where I have such low confidence and faith in the people within our community, I still have you. Also to "Daddy" and Day-nuhhh, this goes for you, too, when I say that you guys are the reason why I'm still around. You guys are there for me, the real me that no one else in our community knows. You guys see me not just as your sibling in Christ, but also as a friend, and that's how I see you, too. I love you guys =]
Herpes!!!! I don't even know where to begin. I'm so glad that we're friends. The friendships I've made in our group of friends, it all started with you. Same with dancing. I don't think I would have the social life I have now if it weren't for you. And you are the one I trust the most within our group. In fact, you may be the only one I have complete faith in. Others have either lost some of my trust, or we're just not as close as you and I. I tell you ALL of my crap, even the things that have happened before our friendship. And you are one of the very few who I believe I could tell literally everything about myself to, and you wouldn't love me any less. You don't know how rare it is for me to trust someone as much as I trust you. <3
Xan....oh Xan. My friend of how many years now? 8 years? 9?? We've been friends for so long, we've gone through most of middle school, all of high school, and all of our college careers thus far, together. I don't know if you know this, but you are the ONLY school-made friend to survive this long and this strongly in our friendship. No other friends made at school can compare to you. We understand each other so well, and I appreciate the friendship you've blessed me with more than you can imagine. You have never once made me lose confidence in myself, you've never made me feel bad about myself. In case you don't realize it, that's actually saying a LOT.
FamBam. That includes everyone that I live with. Mom, Dad, Rinds, Danika, Jill. I rooove you guys. In all of your own individual ways, you guys have given me support and love. You guys have been there for me my whole life, never once letting me down. Thanks, guys =]
Then, last but not least, God, Jesus, Holy Ghost. No matter where I am, what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, and whether it's good or bad, You're there for me. And You always will be. No one can beat that. And, no matter what people say about You or me, no one can take me away from my God.
Even though summer and time have been working against me, at least my friends are still a source of happiness, right? Or...maybe not. Now, even some of my friends are making things hard on me. Things have just NOT been going my way, and it's making me go crazy!! I don't usually say this, but recently, I've just wanted to shout out, "I HATE PEOPLE!!!" (like someone else I know. =P)
Honestly, with all of the crap that's been going on, from people changing on me to being two-faced to being just plain inconsiderate and rude, I feel like I've lost a lot of faith in people in general. It makes me really sad and disappointed. I don't even know what to do anymore.
However, although I have lost faith in many, I have gained a LOT of faith in a few. And that's what keeps me going with a smile on my face. So, I would like to give a shout out to those who have helped me in this hard time, those who have built my trust and faith in them. Here's to you.
Jack-ee! Thank you for ALWAYS being there for me. You've been such a great source of unconditional support and love. You are my role-model as a loving Christian. I am glad that within this community where I have such low confidence and faith in the people within our community, I still have you. Also to "Daddy" and Day-nuhhh, this goes for you, too, when I say that you guys are the reason why I'm still around. You guys are there for me, the real me that no one else in our community knows. You guys see me not just as your sibling in Christ, but also as a friend, and that's how I see you, too. I love you guys =]
Herpes!!!! I don't even know where to begin. I'm so glad that we're friends. The friendships I've made in our group of friends, it all started with you. Same with dancing. I don't think I would have the social life I have now if it weren't for you. And you are the one I trust the most within our group. In fact, you may be the only one I have complete faith in. Others have either lost some of my trust, or we're just not as close as you and I. I tell you ALL of my crap, even the things that have happened before our friendship. And you are one of the very few who I believe I could tell literally everything about myself to, and you wouldn't love me any less. You don't know how rare it is for me to trust someone as much as I trust you. <3
Xan....oh Xan. My friend of how many years now? 8 years? 9?? We've been friends for so long, we've gone through most of middle school, all of high school, and all of our college careers thus far, together. I don't know if you know this, but you are the ONLY school-made friend to survive this long and this strongly in our friendship. No other friends made at school can compare to you. We understand each other so well, and I appreciate the friendship you've blessed me with more than you can imagine. You have never once made me lose confidence in myself, you've never made me feel bad about myself. In case you don't realize it, that's actually saying a LOT.
FamBam. That includes everyone that I live with. Mom, Dad, Rinds, Danika, Jill. I rooove you guys. In all of your own individual ways, you guys have given me support and love. You guys have been there for me my whole life, never once letting me down. Thanks, guys =]
Then, last but not least, God, Jesus, Holy Ghost. No matter where I am, what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, and whether it's good or bad, You're there for me. And You always will be. No one can beat that. And, no matter what people say about You or me, no one can take me away from my God.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Brain Fart 29: The Rantings of a Bored Girl
I hate you. And you. And you.
This is what I get for sitting in bed all day, left with nothing but me, my thoughts, and Bones. I start to think about all the crap that's been going on recently, and everything just seems so much... stupider. Now, we all know that I don't actually mean "hate." These are just the rantings of the little girl in me.
Let's start with you. I hate you because, well, you broke up with me. You're the one who made the first move, and you're the one who lost interest. You're the one who told me from the very beginning that you wanted us to keep our friendship intact if things went bad, but you're the one who's pulling away, and can barely give the time to text me back for specific questions. You're the one who says you're okay, when I think we both know you're lying. What is this? You broke up with me, wanting things to be okay. I'm trying to make things okay between us, put things back to normal, so could you please try to cooperate with me? I'm TRYING to be friends, but you're making that reeeeaaaalllyyy difficult.
Okay, now you. I hate you because you're just difficult and complex, it just hurts my brain trying to figure you out. Sometimes you seem really cool, friendly, nice. Others, I wonder if you even like me as a person, or if you just find me annoying, or a nuisance. Then, there's the fact that I don't know if you know or not. It seems like you do, but at the same time, you might not. I'm trying to just create simple conversation with you, sometimes you respond animatedly, others you just give one worded answers until the moment you can declare "conversation is over." I have quite a few questions for you, but I don't know if I should ask them, how I would ask them, or if you would even respond to them.
You two are soooo frustrating, not only because you're you, but also because of how I react to you. I can't be really close to you, but I also feel like I just can't drop you two from my life. As much as I wish I could, as much as I want to.Maybe it's just because I hate giving up on friendships, but something about dropping you two as friends just seems wrong. So this just frustrates the crap out of me, and I feel like I'm becoming stupider trying to figure it out.
Then, last, but definitely not least, I hate you. I actually probably hate you most right now. I hate what you've become, what you've done with yourself, what you're doing now. I mean, WTF is wrong with you? Why did you do that? Why did you do all of those things? And what are you doing with yourself now? You need to get your act together, because I'm sick of it. First of all, CALM YOUR TITS. Second, stop being lazy. Get off your bum, and do something with yourself. And last, get over it. Now.
So, these messages all sound kind of severe, but it's really not that bad. Again, these are just the rantings of a bored, little girl.
This is what I get for sitting in bed all day, left with nothing but me, my thoughts, and Bones. I start to think about all the crap that's been going on recently, and everything just seems so much... stupider. Now, we all know that I don't actually mean "hate." These are just the rantings of the little girl in me.
Let's start with you. I hate you because, well, you broke up with me. You're the one who made the first move, and you're the one who lost interest. You're the one who told me from the very beginning that you wanted us to keep our friendship intact if things went bad, but you're the one who's pulling away, and can barely give the time to text me back for specific questions. You're the one who says you're okay, when I think we both know you're lying. What is this? You broke up with me, wanting things to be okay. I'm trying to make things okay between us, put things back to normal, so could you please try to cooperate with me? I'm TRYING to be friends, but you're making that reeeeaaaalllyyy difficult.
Okay, now you. I hate you because you're just difficult and complex, it just hurts my brain trying to figure you out. Sometimes you seem really cool, friendly, nice. Others, I wonder if you even like me as a person, or if you just find me annoying, or a nuisance. Then, there's the fact that I don't know if you know or not. It seems like you do, but at the same time, you might not. I'm trying to just create simple conversation with you, sometimes you respond animatedly, others you just give one worded answers until the moment you can declare "conversation is over." I have quite a few questions for you, but I don't know if I should ask them, how I would ask them, or if you would even respond to them.
You two are soooo frustrating, not only because you're you, but also because of how I react to you. I can't be really close to you, but I also feel like I just can't drop you two from my life. As much as I wish I could, as much as I want to.Maybe it's just because I hate giving up on friendships, but something about dropping you two as friends just seems wrong. So this just frustrates the crap out of me, and I feel like I'm becoming stupider trying to figure it out.
Then, last, but definitely not least, I hate you. I actually probably hate you most right now. I hate what you've become, what you've done with yourself, what you're doing now. I mean, WTF is wrong with you? Why did you do that? Why did you do all of those things? And what are you doing with yourself now? You need to get your act together, because I'm sick of it. First of all, CALM YOUR TITS. Second, stop being lazy. Get off your bum, and do something with yourself. And last, get over it. Now.
So, these messages all sound kind of severe, but it's really not that bad. Again, these are just the rantings of a bored, little girl.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Brain Fart 28: Extra
Here are some extra thoughts from Brain Fart 27. I didn't want to post them in the previous entry since it would have just made it that much longer, and it just didn't flow well. So, here's some miscellaneous, leftover thoughts.
~During the time of this whole break-up/panic-over-stupid-things-I-did ordeal, there were other things that were bothering. One was academics, because Ishachan (codename for ex-bf) decided to time the break up right before my academic hell week. Thanks, fetus. Another thing that was stressing me out didn't even occur to me as a source of stress until my UWP teacher, Ms. B, pointed it out to me.
On the day of my melt down, Ms. B decided to bring up the topic of stress and secrets.
Basically, she'd learned that research had done to prove there's a strong correlation between stress and keeping secrets. And yeahhhh my friends have recently come to me with some secrets. Which, btw, I'm totally flattered that they chose to confide in me. But, apparently, keeping these secrets have been a small source of stress lol. Dang. And unfortunately, the one secret that's probably stressing me out the most is the most serious one. And the only other person who knows about it, who I would be able to vent my stress to, is my ex. Poop. Guess I can't vent this one out for a while.
~I don't know how to phrase this thought without sounding self-centered, and maybe a little arrogant, but please just know that's not what I'm going for.
I sometimes feel like I'm a little too good at acting. After the break up, I've been acting like I'm okay, and that things aren't weird or hard for me. And, apparently I've been doing a good enough job that people have been a little insensitive about it. I don't think they realize exactly how much and how hard some of their words hit me.
For example, get this. The first, and maybe only, pictures that Ishachan and I took as a couple didn't get posted onto facebook until AFTER we broke up. It's a little funny, yes. But...did my friend really not realize what I might have felt when seeing those? Mr. Nostril, if you're reading this, I'm not mad at you, honest. I understand you didn't mean any harm in it =]
It just kind of hurt to look. That's all.
~So, I tried to distance myself, so it'd be easier to get over him. However, I noticed that it kinda stressed me out. I'm not quite sure why, but it just did. Maybe it's because I still see him as a friend, and I've always hated the idea of letting go of friendships.
Plus, I'm still trying to figure out what hits me the most from the break up. Is it really because I liked him that much? Or is it because I miss the feeling of being in a relationship?
I think that I've come to something similar to a conclusion. I THINK that I did not necessarily like him romantically, but just that he's a lot of fun to be around, as a friend. Add that with "being in love with the idea of being in love" concept, and that's what made me think I like him so much.
So, it may sound a little dumb, but I'm going to stop trying to distance myself. I'm just going to act like I always have around him, just without the notion of being his gf, and having a special claim to him. I'm going to act how I did before we went out. I may still like him (for now), but I liked him before, too. I just thought that I didn't stand a chance lol.
Bottom line. I am just going act like I did before, as a friend, even if it takes a little longer to get over him. I think it's worth it.
~During the time of this whole break-up/panic-over-stupid-things-I-did ordeal, there were other things that were bothering. One was academics, because Ishachan (codename for ex-bf) decided to time the break up right before my academic hell week. Thanks, fetus. Another thing that was stressing me out didn't even occur to me as a source of stress until my UWP teacher, Ms. B, pointed it out to me.
On the day of my melt down, Ms. B decided to bring up the topic of stress and secrets.
Basically, she'd learned that research had done to prove there's a strong correlation between stress and keeping secrets. And yeahhhh my friends have recently come to me with some secrets. Which, btw, I'm totally flattered that they chose to confide in me. But, apparently, keeping these secrets have been a small source of stress lol. Dang. And unfortunately, the one secret that's probably stressing me out the most is the most serious one. And the only other person who knows about it, who I would be able to vent my stress to, is my ex. Poop. Guess I can't vent this one out for a while.
~I don't know how to phrase this thought without sounding self-centered, and maybe a little arrogant, but please just know that's not what I'm going for.
I sometimes feel like I'm a little too good at acting. After the break up, I've been acting like I'm okay, and that things aren't weird or hard for me. And, apparently I've been doing a good enough job that people have been a little insensitive about it. I don't think they realize exactly how much and how hard some of their words hit me.
For example, get this. The first, and maybe only, pictures that Ishachan and I took as a couple didn't get posted onto facebook until AFTER we broke up. It's a little funny, yes. But...did my friend really not realize what I might have felt when seeing those? Mr. Nostril, if you're reading this, I'm not mad at you, honest. I understand you didn't mean any harm in it =]
It just kind of hurt to look. That's all.
~So, I tried to distance myself, so it'd be easier to get over him. However, I noticed that it kinda stressed me out. I'm not quite sure why, but it just did. Maybe it's because I still see him as a friend, and I've always hated the idea of letting go of friendships.
Plus, I'm still trying to figure out what hits me the most from the break up. Is it really because I liked him that much? Or is it because I miss the feeling of being in a relationship?
I think that I've come to something similar to a conclusion. I THINK that I did not necessarily like him romantically, but just that he's a lot of fun to be around, as a friend. Add that with "being in love with the idea of being in love" concept, and that's what made me think I like him so much.
So, it may sound a little dumb, but I'm going to stop trying to distance myself. I'm just going to act like I always have around him, just without the notion of being his gf, and having a special claim to him. I'm going to act how I did before we went out. I may still like him (for now), but I liked him before, too. I just thought that I didn't stand a chance lol.
Bottom line. I am just going act like I did before, as a friend, even if it takes a little longer to get over him. I think it's worth it.
Brain Fart 27: Ouch
A lot has happened since my last blog. I was going to blog everything as it came, but I decided to just wait for everything to settle down, and write one blog after reflecting on it a little bit, probably for my own pride's sake of not whining about every little thing and letting people see how much I actually think about things. So..here's what's been going on in my life for the past couple of months.
So, I got a boyfriend. YUP!! A BOYFRIEND. First one since freshman year of high school. I GOT BACK ONTO THE ICE. After talking with a couple of guys, taking a few baby steps on the ice to get a feel, I found someone, and I got back out there in full swing. I really put myself out there, and it felt great.
But then I fell straight on my face.
Yup. Dumped after a little over a month. mmhmm.
When he first broke up with me, I kept thinking about what I could have done. What if I had been more affectionate? What if I had tried harder to make him act more as a boyfriend, instead of just letting him sleep all the time, would he have not lost interest? What if I had asked him to try harder, for just a LITTLE longer, instead of just giving it to him so easily, with a simple nod? Goodness, I even PUSHED him to do it! Telling him to say it, to say, "I think we should break up."
But, no. I know it's unhealthy to think that way, so I'm telling myself to stop. He told me it wasn't me. I'll trust him. Well... I'll try to trust him.
This was definitely a new feeling for me. I know I'm not heartbroken, I was nowhere near love. But that was the closest I've ever been to it. I wasn't quite sure how to deal with it. I tried to deal with it by taking care of business, because right after the official end, my first question was, what do we do now? How do the group dynamics change? I thought that because I was able to hold myself steady through the logistics of everything, I was handling things fairly well. I was proud of myself. However, the next few days proved me wrong. Completely wrong.
So someone in our group hosted a party, so of course both of us went. When I found out, I tried to act casual and cool about it, "Yeah, I'm fine. That just means I can return his shirt and jacket." But it was hard for me to just breathe. I fretted about my appearance. Should I go without make up, or with? Which would make it seem like I didn't care about the break up? Which shirt should I wear? Would wearing something he once complimented make him notice me more? I prepped myself for the night by repeating the same thoughts over and over.
Don't cry in front them. Don't make a scene about the break up. Don't drink to the point of puking.
Well, I succeeded in not doing any of those. But...I did other things that I'm not too proud of. Hah. That's an understatement. I did other things that had me straight out panicking for the rest of the weekend, and then some. These incidents came at me like a storm, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle them, how to control myself. I started to panic, scared that I was going to continue making reckless mistakes. It got to the point of me actually having something of a melt down. Even my friends noticed that there was something wrong, and no one usually notices when I'm down, because I always act like I'm okay. But they noticed, and that showed me how bad I was, and how much I needed to talk to someone.
But I was scared to. What would they think of me? Luckily, I was able to talk to Sa-Sempai, and I'm thankful to God for blessing me with my friendship with her. After I got everything out, words and tears alike, I finally started to feel better, and to heal myself of him, and of me.
So, I'm still healing. I'm not 100%, but I'm getting there. Until I'm there, I'm just going to smile, because I deserve to.
So, I got a boyfriend. YUP!! A BOYFRIEND. First one since freshman year of high school. I GOT BACK ONTO THE ICE. After talking with a couple of guys, taking a few baby steps on the ice to get a feel, I found someone, and I got back out there in full swing. I really put myself out there, and it felt great.
But then I fell straight on my face.
Yup. Dumped after a little over a month. mmhmm.
When he first broke up with me, I kept thinking about what I could have done. What if I had been more affectionate? What if I had tried harder to make him act more as a boyfriend, instead of just letting him sleep all the time, would he have not lost interest? What if I had asked him to try harder, for just a LITTLE longer, instead of just giving it to him so easily, with a simple nod? Goodness, I even PUSHED him to do it! Telling him to say it, to say, "I think we should break up."
But, no. I know it's unhealthy to think that way, so I'm telling myself to stop. He told me it wasn't me. I'll trust him. Well... I'll try to trust him.
This was definitely a new feeling for me. I know I'm not heartbroken, I was nowhere near love. But that was the closest I've ever been to it. I wasn't quite sure how to deal with it. I tried to deal with it by taking care of business, because right after the official end, my first question was, what do we do now? How do the group dynamics change? I thought that because I was able to hold myself steady through the logistics of everything, I was handling things fairly well. I was proud of myself. However, the next few days proved me wrong. Completely wrong.
So someone in our group hosted a party, so of course both of us went. When I found out, I tried to act casual and cool about it, "Yeah, I'm fine. That just means I can return his shirt and jacket." But it was hard for me to just breathe. I fretted about my appearance. Should I go without make up, or with? Which would make it seem like I didn't care about the break up? Which shirt should I wear? Would wearing something he once complimented make him notice me more? I prepped myself for the night by repeating the same thoughts over and over.
Don't cry in front them. Don't make a scene about the break up. Don't drink to the point of puking.
Well, I succeeded in not doing any of those. But...I did other things that I'm not too proud of. Hah. That's an understatement. I did other things that had me straight out panicking for the rest of the weekend, and then some. These incidents came at me like a storm, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle them, how to control myself. I started to panic, scared that I was going to continue making reckless mistakes. It got to the point of me actually having something of a melt down. Even my friends noticed that there was something wrong, and no one usually notices when I'm down, because I always act like I'm okay. But they noticed, and that showed me how bad I was, and how much I needed to talk to someone.
But I was scared to. What would they think of me? Luckily, I was able to talk to Sa-Sempai, and I'm thankful to God for blessing me with my friendship with her. After I got everything out, words and tears alike, I finally started to feel better, and to heal myself of him, and of me.
So, I'm still healing. I'm not 100%, but I'm getting there. Until I'm there, I'm just going to smile, because I deserve to.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Brain Fart 26: Ice Skating
If you have already heard my whole "ice skating' epiphany thang, then go ahead and ignore this blog. I'm just writing in case the I ever want to talk about this again with anyone else, although I don't think I will. But JUST IN CASE, cuz I don't want to have to type that whole thing out again!! lol so I'll write it here, and just send them the link. Anyways, yes. ice-skating. epiphany. thang.
Ice skating. My history with it is very limited. I've gone ice skating maybe 2 or 3 times in my life. Every time I've ice skated, I gained a little experience, but not much. Whenever I get on the ice, I'm always very cautious, because I've heard many times that if you fall, it will hurt alot ((lol sorry I couldn't help but think of ALOT monster from the Hyperbole and a Half blog hahahaha)). So, the few times I've been ice skating, I've aways been very cautious, always went slow, never did anything more than the very basic(I don't even really know how to stop, turn, whatever). Once, it seemed like I was getting better, so I started going faster. Then, some guy came up and got his skate tangled with mine. He came out okay, I fell on my butt. It wasn't a very bad fall, and it didn't even hurt that much. But it reminded me of the possible HUGE pain that I'd been warned about so many times. So I went back to being super cautious, and going really slowly.
Love life. My history with it is very limited. I've had one boyfriend, and "talked" to a few guys. Every time I've been involved with someone, I gained a little experience, but not much. Whenever I like someone, I'm always very cautious, because I've heard many times that it could end up hurting a lot. So, I always am very cautious with my feelings, always took things super slowly, was easy to back away from things, etc. Every once in a while, when things seem to be going okay with a guy, I drop my guard, and invest my feelings in him a little more. But then sometimes, something bad happens. The guy just isn't that interested in me, likes someone else, etc etc, blah blah, all the things i wrote about in that one blog hecka long ago. It doesn't break my heart or anything, but it reminds me of the possible heartbreak that could happen if I let myself really like someone. So I don't let myself openly it when I like someone, I try not to invest my feelings in anyone, I keep my guard up, and I'm super cautious.
But. If I never put myself out there, even with the risk of falling, even with the risk of being hurt, how will I ever learn? I just need to get out there, and realize that I will probably get hurt at least a few times. Sure, it'll hurt. A lot. I'll probably cry, a lot. But then, I'll survive, and move on to better things. But I won't ever learn if I don't even try.
This goes for ice skating. This goes for my love life. This goes for my whole life.
Ice skating. My history with it is very limited. I've gone ice skating maybe 2 or 3 times in my life. Every time I've ice skated, I gained a little experience, but not much. Whenever I get on the ice, I'm always very cautious, because I've heard many times that if you fall, it will hurt alot ((lol sorry I couldn't help but think of ALOT monster from the Hyperbole and a Half blog hahahaha)). So, the few times I've been ice skating, I've aways been very cautious, always went slow, never did anything more than the very basic(I don't even really know how to stop, turn, whatever). Once, it seemed like I was getting better, so I started going faster. Then, some guy came up and got his skate tangled with mine. He came out okay, I fell on my butt. It wasn't a very bad fall, and it didn't even hurt that much. But it reminded me of the possible HUGE pain that I'd been warned about so many times. So I went back to being super cautious, and going really slowly.
Love life. My history with it is very limited. I've had one boyfriend, and "talked" to a few guys. Every time I've been involved with someone, I gained a little experience, but not much. Whenever I like someone, I'm always very cautious, because I've heard many times that it could end up hurting a lot. So, I always am very cautious with my feelings, always took things super slowly, was easy to back away from things, etc. Every once in a while, when things seem to be going okay with a guy, I drop my guard, and invest my feelings in him a little more. But then sometimes, something bad happens. The guy just isn't that interested in me, likes someone else, etc etc, blah blah, all the things i wrote about in that one blog hecka long ago. It doesn't break my heart or anything, but it reminds me of the possible heartbreak that could happen if I let myself really like someone. So I don't let myself openly it when I like someone, I try not to invest my feelings in anyone, I keep my guard up, and I'm super cautious.
But. If I never put myself out there, even with the risk of falling, even with the risk of being hurt, how will I ever learn? I just need to get out there, and realize that I will probably get hurt at least a few times. Sure, it'll hurt. A lot. I'll probably cry, a lot. But then, I'll survive, and move on to better things. But I won't ever learn if I don't even try.
This goes for ice skating. This goes for my love life. This goes for my whole life.
Brain Fart 25: 3 in 1 UPDATE
Sorry it's been so long!! I've been pretty busy with school and whatnot, and my free time has been filled with laziness. But I'm back!!
So let's see... I'm a 3rd year at Davis, going into winter quarter. I have a part time job at the school's food court. I'm dancing as much as I can given the limited free time I have. I co-lead for a Bible study group. ... Well, that's it for the everyday, boring stuff, let's move on to the juicier things.
So, this summer was quite eventful. I was a counselor at my church's annual Youth Camp for the first time. =D And I caught a stalker!! And during both of these events, I developed crushes on some guys. Let's call them Red and Green.
So, long stories short... Red and I were both counselors at Youth Camp, and I developed a crush on him there. Then, Green and I hung out a little over summer. I told him about this creeper who kept calling me under a blocked number in the middle of the night, and Green helped me trap the guy's calls, and found out who it was. I became attracted to Green as well, but not as much as I was to Red. This all didn't really matter, until they both revealed to me that they were both attracted to me, too.
However, as time went on, I spent more time with Green, and less time with Red. By doing this, I started to "like" Green more, although my "crush" on Red was still bigger. [btw, my definition of 'crush' is how a little girl likes a prince, or some POP star. 'like' only begins when you start to know the guy] But recently, it just feels like Red doesn't even care. And it has always felt like he was mostly just physically attracted to me, anyways, so I'm basically giving up on him. As for Green...we're still seeing how that's going, although I think we've definitely gotten closer to each other. Our time together is less sporadic, and communication just seems much more consistent.
We'll see how that goes.
Moving onto another topic, my Christian fellowship. Basically, I've felt very distanced from them recently. I just don't feel like I can open up to many people there, I can't be myself around them. I can't, because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me, what with all my sin and whatnot. And this is a problem within this fellowship. We seem so strict in how we view things such as drinking alcohol, dating, etc. Then, because of that, people feel like they have to put up a "goody-goody" front, so that no one will judge them, and they won't be isolated from the group, as I have seen happen to some members in the past. But, then we aren't really a family, which is what we should be, brothers and sisters with Christ. How can we be a family if we can't trust each other with the truth about ourselves?
I drink alcohol, and I'm not 21. That's a sin. I know that, but that's probably not gonna make me stop. I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth. That's the truth about me, and the truth about sin. Knowing something is a sin won't necessarily stop you from committing that sin. But, because I'm worried about what my fellow fellowshippers will think, I don't tell them about that side of me. Especially since I'm a co-leader in a Bible Study group. This group makes a really big fuss about making sure that its leaders are very "good." They believe that the leaders must set a good example to the underclassmen, so that they may follow the right path, too.
But, honestly, that's crap. Me saying that I don't drink is not going to stop the freshmen from not drinking. If they're gonna drink, they're gonna drink. Then, instead, because they think I don't drink, they'll probably think that I'll judge them for drinking. So, they'll probably just not tell anyone, and they'll put up a "goody-goody" front and not really get to KNOW anyone, just like me, just like the upperclassmen before me. It's a horrible cycle that just leads to superficial relationships with people you think don't know you, nor care about you. It's been on my mind to just come clean. I want to tell them the truth. I keep thinking that if I can just truly open myself up, then maybe I can start making some real relationships within this fellowship, and become a family with my fellow brothers and sisters. However, the fear of being isolated from the group, and maybe even kicked out from my position as a co-leader of Bible study, still makes me hesitate.
We'll see how that goes.
I'm sorry if this blog is wildly unorganized and hard to read. I'm writing this at 5am. Why? Because I'm hoping that by writing this, getting all this off my chest, I can get some sleep without all these vivid, not so pleasant dreams that I've been having these past couple of weeks. But yeah, let's get some dream journals in. Here's a short description of the two most vivid dreams I've had recently:
~there was a monster invasion. this dream was very much like a movie. there were scenes with fighting and killing in it, and there were inbetween scenes, when i got to hunt for food, bury the dead, and think the depressing ideas that people i love are dying, i may die soon, etc etc. woke up depressed.
~my friend (H) and i were watching a movie with another friend (R). friend H made a move on me, but i pushed him away. he got violent, and started attacking me. we fought, i fought him off, and got him outta my house. after that, he started stalking me, and following me whenever i went to school (i guess i was in hs still lol). one day, he attacked me while i was walking back home, but i fought him off again, and ran in the house. boarded up the house, but i knew he could still get in. so i found all the knives i could, and chose which ones i wanted to use, hid them in random places, and stood, waiting for him to break in. long time waiting. finally, he breaks in. i wake up feeling scared, and guilty for making my friend such a bad guy in my dream =[
~~UPDATE COMPLETED~~
So let's see... I'm a 3rd year at Davis, going into winter quarter. I have a part time job at the school's food court. I'm dancing as much as I can given the limited free time I have. I co-lead for a Bible study group. ... Well, that's it for the everyday, boring stuff, let's move on to the juicier things.
So, this summer was quite eventful. I was a counselor at my church's annual Youth Camp for the first time. =D And I caught a stalker!! And during both of these events, I developed crushes on some guys. Let's call them Red and Green.
So, long stories short... Red and I were both counselors at Youth Camp, and I developed a crush on him there. Then, Green and I hung out a little over summer. I told him about this creeper who kept calling me under a blocked number in the middle of the night, and Green helped me trap the guy's calls, and found out who it was. I became attracted to Green as well, but not as much as I was to Red. This all didn't really matter, until they both revealed to me that they were both attracted to me, too.
However, as time went on, I spent more time with Green, and less time with Red. By doing this, I started to "like" Green more, although my "crush" on Red was still bigger. [btw, my definition of 'crush' is how a little girl likes a prince, or some POP star. 'like' only begins when you start to know the guy] But recently, it just feels like Red doesn't even care. And it has always felt like he was mostly just physically attracted to me, anyways, so I'm basically giving up on him. As for Green...we're still seeing how that's going, although I think we've definitely gotten closer to each other. Our time together is less sporadic, and communication just seems much more consistent.
We'll see how that goes.
Moving onto another topic, my Christian fellowship. Basically, I've felt very distanced from them recently. I just don't feel like I can open up to many people there, I can't be myself around them. I can't, because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me, what with all my sin and whatnot. And this is a problem within this fellowship. We seem so strict in how we view things such as drinking alcohol, dating, etc. Then, because of that, people feel like they have to put up a "goody-goody" front, so that no one will judge them, and they won't be isolated from the group, as I have seen happen to some members in the past. But, then we aren't really a family, which is what we should be, brothers and sisters with Christ. How can we be a family if we can't trust each other with the truth about ourselves?
I drink alcohol, and I'm not 21. That's a sin. I know that, but that's probably not gonna make me stop. I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth. That's the truth about me, and the truth about sin. Knowing something is a sin won't necessarily stop you from committing that sin. But, because I'm worried about what my fellow fellowshippers will think, I don't tell them about that side of me. Especially since I'm a co-leader in a Bible Study group. This group makes a really big fuss about making sure that its leaders are very "good." They believe that the leaders must set a good example to the underclassmen, so that they may follow the right path, too.
But, honestly, that's crap. Me saying that I don't drink is not going to stop the freshmen from not drinking. If they're gonna drink, they're gonna drink. Then, instead, because they think I don't drink, they'll probably think that I'll judge them for drinking. So, they'll probably just not tell anyone, and they'll put up a "goody-goody" front and not really get to KNOW anyone, just like me, just like the upperclassmen before me. It's a horrible cycle that just leads to superficial relationships with people you think don't know you, nor care about you. It's been on my mind to just come clean. I want to tell them the truth. I keep thinking that if I can just truly open myself up, then maybe I can start making some real relationships within this fellowship, and become a family with my fellow brothers and sisters. However, the fear of being isolated from the group, and maybe even kicked out from my position as a co-leader of Bible study, still makes me hesitate.
We'll see how that goes.
I'm sorry if this blog is wildly unorganized and hard to read. I'm writing this at 5am. Why? Because I'm hoping that by writing this, getting all this off my chest, I can get some sleep without all these vivid, not so pleasant dreams that I've been having these past couple of weeks. But yeah, let's get some dream journals in. Here's a short description of the two most vivid dreams I've had recently:
~there was a monster invasion. this dream was very much like a movie. there were scenes with fighting and killing in it, and there were inbetween scenes, when i got to hunt for food, bury the dead, and think the depressing ideas that people i love are dying, i may die soon, etc etc. woke up depressed.
~my friend (H) and i were watching a movie with another friend (R). friend H made a move on me, but i pushed him away. he got violent, and started attacking me. we fought, i fought him off, and got him outta my house. after that, he started stalking me, and following me whenever i went to school (i guess i was in hs still lol). one day, he attacked me while i was walking back home, but i fought him off again, and ran in the house. boarded up the house, but i knew he could still get in. so i found all the knives i could, and chose which ones i wanted to use, hid them in random places, and stood, waiting for him to break in. long time waiting. finally, he breaks in. i wake up feeling scared, and guilty for making my friend such a bad guy in my dream =[
~~UPDATE COMPLETED~~
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