Brain Fart 28: Extra

Here are some extra thoughts from Brain Fart 27. I didn't want to post them in the previous entry since it would have just made it that much longer, and it just didn't flow well. So, here's some miscellaneous, leftover thoughts.

~During the time of this whole break-up/panic-over-stupid-things-I-did ordeal, there were other things that were bothering. One was academics, because Ishachan (codename for ex-bf) decided to time the break up right before my academic hell week. Thanks, fetus. Another thing that was stressing me out didn't even occur to me as a source of stress until my UWP teacher, Ms. B, pointed it out to me.
On the day of my melt down, Ms. B decided to bring up the topic of stress and secrets.

Basically, she'd learned that research had done to prove there's a strong correlation between stress and keeping secrets. And yeahhhh my friends have recently come to me with some secrets. Which, btw, I'm totally flattered that they chose to confide in me. But, apparently, keeping these secrets have been a small source of stress lol. Dang. And unfortunately, the one secret that's probably stressing me out the most is the most serious one. And the only other person who knows about it, who I would be able to vent my stress to, is my ex. Poop. Guess I can't vent this one out for a while.

~I don't know how to phrase this thought without sounding self-centered, and maybe a little arrogant, but please just know that's not what I'm going for.

I sometimes feel like I'm a little too good at acting. After the break up, I've been acting like I'm okay, and that things aren't weird or hard for me. And, apparently I've been doing a good enough job that people have been a little insensitive about it. I don't think they realize exactly how much and how hard some of their words hit me.
For example, get this. The first, and maybe only, pictures that Ishachan and I took as a couple didn't get posted onto facebook until AFTER we broke up. It's a little funny, yes. But...did my friend really not realize what I might have felt when seeing those? Mr. Nostril, if you're reading this, I'm not mad at you, honest. I understand you didn't mean any harm in it =]

It just kind of hurt to look. That's all.

~So, I tried to distance myself, so it'd be easier to get over him. However, I noticed that it kinda stressed me out. I'm not quite sure why, but it just did. Maybe it's because I still see him as a friend, and I've always hated the idea of letting go of friendships.

Plus, I'm still trying to figure out what hits me the most from the break up. Is it really because I liked him that much? Or is it because I miss the feeling of being in a relationship?
I think that I've come to something similar to a conclusion. I THINK that I did not necessarily like him romantically, but just that he's a lot of fun to be around, as a friend. Add that with "being in love with the idea of being in love" concept, and that's what made me think I like him so much.

So, it may sound a little dumb, but I'm going to stop trying to distance myself. I'm just going to act like I always have around him, just without the notion of being his gf, and having a special claim to him. I'm going to act how I did before we went out. I may still like him (for now), but I liked him before, too. I just thought that I didn't stand a chance lol.

Bottom line. I am just going act like I did before, as a friend, even if it takes a little longer to get over him. I think it's worth it.