If you have already heard my whole "ice skating' epiphany thang, then go ahead and ignore this blog. I'm just writing in case the I ever want to talk about this again with anyone else, although I don't think I will. But JUST IN CASE, cuz I don't want to have to type that whole thing out again!! lol so I'll write it here, and just send them the link. Anyways, yes. ice-skating. epiphany. thang.
Ice skating. My history with it is very limited. I've gone ice skating maybe 2 or 3 times in my life. Every time I've ice skated, I gained a little experience, but not much. Whenever I get on the ice, I'm always very cautious, because I've heard many times that if you fall, it will hurt alot ((lol sorry I couldn't help but think of ALOT monster from the Hyperbole and a Half blog hahahaha)). So, the few times I've been ice skating, I've aways been very cautious, always went slow, never did anything more than the very basic(I don't even really know how to stop, turn, whatever). Once, it seemed like I was getting better, so I started going faster. Then, some guy came up and got his skate tangled with mine. He came out okay, I fell on my butt. It wasn't a very bad fall, and it didn't even hurt that much. But it reminded me of the possible HUGE pain that I'd been warned about so many times. So I went back to being super cautious, and going really slowly.
Love life. My history with it is very limited. I've had one boyfriend, and "talked" to a few guys. Every time I've been involved with someone, I gained a little experience, but not much. Whenever I like someone, I'm always very cautious, because I've heard many times that it could end up hurting a lot. So, I always am very cautious with my feelings, always took things super slowly, was easy to back away from things, etc. Every once in a while, when things seem to be going okay with a guy, I drop my guard, and invest my feelings in him a little more. But then sometimes, something bad happens. The guy just isn't that interested in me, likes someone else, etc etc, blah blah, all the things i wrote about in that one blog hecka long ago. It doesn't break my heart or anything, but it reminds me of the possible heartbreak that could happen if I let myself really like someone. So I don't let myself openly it when I like someone, I try not to invest my feelings in anyone, I keep my guard up, and I'm super cautious.
But. If I never put myself out there, even with the risk of falling, even with the risk of being hurt, how will I ever learn? I just need to get out there, and realize that I will probably get hurt at least a few times. Sure, it'll hurt. A lot. I'll probably cry, a lot. But then, I'll survive, and move on to better things. But I won't ever learn if I don't even try.
This goes for ice skating. This goes for my love life. This goes for my whole life.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Brain Fart 25: 3 in 1 UPDATE
Sorry it's been so long!! I've been pretty busy with school and whatnot, and my free time has been filled with laziness. But I'm back!!
So let's see... I'm a 3rd year at Davis, going into winter quarter. I have a part time job at the school's food court. I'm dancing as much as I can given the limited free time I have. I co-lead for a Bible study group. ... Well, that's it for the everyday, boring stuff, let's move on to the juicier things.
So, this summer was quite eventful. I was a counselor at my church's annual Youth Camp for the first time. =D And I caught a stalker!! And during both of these events, I developed crushes on some guys. Let's call them Red and Green.
So, long stories short... Red and I were both counselors at Youth Camp, and I developed a crush on him there. Then, Green and I hung out a little over summer. I told him about this creeper who kept calling me under a blocked number in the middle of the night, and Green helped me trap the guy's calls, and found out who it was. I became attracted to Green as well, but not as much as I was to Red. This all didn't really matter, until they both revealed to me that they were both attracted to me, too.
However, as time went on, I spent more time with Green, and less time with Red. By doing this, I started to "like" Green more, although my "crush" on Red was still bigger. [btw, my definition of 'crush' is how a little girl likes a prince, or some POP star. 'like' only begins when you start to know the guy] But recently, it just feels like Red doesn't even care. And it has always felt like he was mostly just physically attracted to me, anyways, so I'm basically giving up on him. As for Green...we're still seeing how that's going, although I think we've definitely gotten closer to each other. Our time together is less sporadic, and communication just seems much more consistent.
We'll see how that goes.
Moving onto another topic, my Christian fellowship. Basically, I've felt very distanced from them recently. I just don't feel like I can open up to many people there, I can't be myself around them. I can't, because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me, what with all my sin and whatnot. And this is a problem within this fellowship. We seem so strict in how we view things such as drinking alcohol, dating, etc. Then, because of that, people feel like they have to put up a "goody-goody" front, so that no one will judge them, and they won't be isolated from the group, as I have seen happen to some members in the past. But, then we aren't really a family, which is what we should be, brothers and sisters with Christ. How can we be a family if we can't trust each other with the truth about ourselves?
I drink alcohol, and I'm not 21. That's a sin. I know that, but that's probably not gonna make me stop. I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth. That's the truth about me, and the truth about sin. Knowing something is a sin won't necessarily stop you from committing that sin. But, because I'm worried about what my fellow fellowshippers will think, I don't tell them about that side of me. Especially since I'm a co-leader in a Bible Study group. This group makes a really big fuss about making sure that its leaders are very "good." They believe that the leaders must set a good example to the underclassmen, so that they may follow the right path, too.
But, honestly, that's crap. Me saying that I don't drink is not going to stop the freshmen from not drinking. If they're gonna drink, they're gonna drink. Then, instead, because they think I don't drink, they'll probably think that I'll judge them for drinking. So, they'll probably just not tell anyone, and they'll put up a "goody-goody" front and not really get to KNOW anyone, just like me, just like the upperclassmen before me. It's a horrible cycle that just leads to superficial relationships with people you think don't know you, nor care about you. It's been on my mind to just come clean. I want to tell them the truth. I keep thinking that if I can just truly open myself up, then maybe I can start making some real relationships within this fellowship, and become a family with my fellow brothers and sisters. However, the fear of being isolated from the group, and maybe even kicked out from my position as a co-leader of Bible study, still makes me hesitate.
We'll see how that goes.
I'm sorry if this blog is wildly unorganized and hard to read. I'm writing this at 5am. Why? Because I'm hoping that by writing this, getting all this off my chest, I can get some sleep without all these vivid, not so pleasant dreams that I've been having these past couple of weeks. But yeah, let's get some dream journals in. Here's a short description of the two most vivid dreams I've had recently:
~there was a monster invasion. this dream was very much like a movie. there were scenes with fighting and killing in it, and there were inbetween scenes, when i got to hunt for food, bury the dead, and think the depressing ideas that people i love are dying, i may die soon, etc etc. woke up depressed.
~my friend (H) and i were watching a movie with another friend (R). friend H made a move on me, but i pushed him away. he got violent, and started attacking me. we fought, i fought him off, and got him outta my house. after that, he started stalking me, and following me whenever i went to school (i guess i was in hs still lol). one day, he attacked me while i was walking back home, but i fought him off again, and ran in the house. boarded up the house, but i knew he could still get in. so i found all the knives i could, and chose which ones i wanted to use, hid them in random places, and stood, waiting for him to break in. long time waiting. finally, he breaks in. i wake up feeling scared, and guilty for making my friend such a bad guy in my dream =[
~~UPDATE COMPLETED~~
So let's see... I'm a 3rd year at Davis, going into winter quarter. I have a part time job at the school's food court. I'm dancing as much as I can given the limited free time I have. I co-lead for a Bible study group. ... Well, that's it for the everyday, boring stuff, let's move on to the juicier things.
So, this summer was quite eventful. I was a counselor at my church's annual Youth Camp for the first time. =D And I caught a stalker!! And during both of these events, I developed crushes on some guys. Let's call them Red and Green.
So, long stories short... Red and I were both counselors at Youth Camp, and I developed a crush on him there. Then, Green and I hung out a little over summer. I told him about this creeper who kept calling me under a blocked number in the middle of the night, and Green helped me trap the guy's calls, and found out who it was. I became attracted to Green as well, but not as much as I was to Red. This all didn't really matter, until they both revealed to me that they were both attracted to me, too.
However, as time went on, I spent more time with Green, and less time with Red. By doing this, I started to "like" Green more, although my "crush" on Red was still bigger. [btw, my definition of 'crush' is how a little girl likes a prince, or some POP star. 'like' only begins when you start to know the guy] But recently, it just feels like Red doesn't even care. And it has always felt like he was mostly just physically attracted to me, anyways, so I'm basically giving up on him. As for Green...we're still seeing how that's going, although I think we've definitely gotten closer to each other. Our time together is less sporadic, and communication just seems much more consistent.
We'll see how that goes.
Moving onto another topic, my Christian fellowship. Basically, I've felt very distanced from them recently. I just don't feel like I can open up to many people there, I can't be myself around them. I can't, because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me, what with all my sin and whatnot. And this is a problem within this fellowship. We seem so strict in how we view things such as drinking alcohol, dating, etc. Then, because of that, people feel like they have to put up a "goody-goody" front, so that no one will judge them, and they won't be isolated from the group, as I have seen happen to some members in the past. But, then we aren't really a family, which is what we should be, brothers and sisters with Christ. How can we be a family if we can't trust each other with the truth about ourselves?
I drink alcohol, and I'm not 21. That's a sin. I know that, but that's probably not gonna make me stop. I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth. That's the truth about me, and the truth about sin. Knowing something is a sin won't necessarily stop you from committing that sin. But, because I'm worried about what my fellow fellowshippers will think, I don't tell them about that side of me. Especially since I'm a co-leader in a Bible Study group. This group makes a really big fuss about making sure that its leaders are very "good." They believe that the leaders must set a good example to the underclassmen, so that they may follow the right path, too.
But, honestly, that's crap. Me saying that I don't drink is not going to stop the freshmen from not drinking. If they're gonna drink, they're gonna drink. Then, instead, because they think I don't drink, they'll probably think that I'll judge them for drinking. So, they'll probably just not tell anyone, and they'll put up a "goody-goody" front and not really get to KNOW anyone, just like me, just like the upperclassmen before me. It's a horrible cycle that just leads to superficial relationships with people you think don't know you, nor care about you. It's been on my mind to just come clean. I want to tell them the truth. I keep thinking that if I can just truly open myself up, then maybe I can start making some real relationships within this fellowship, and become a family with my fellow brothers and sisters. However, the fear of being isolated from the group, and maybe even kicked out from my position as a co-leader of Bible study, still makes me hesitate.
We'll see how that goes.
I'm sorry if this blog is wildly unorganized and hard to read. I'm writing this at 5am. Why? Because I'm hoping that by writing this, getting all this off my chest, I can get some sleep without all these vivid, not so pleasant dreams that I've been having these past couple of weeks. But yeah, let's get some dream journals in. Here's a short description of the two most vivid dreams I've had recently:
~there was a monster invasion. this dream was very much like a movie. there were scenes with fighting and killing in it, and there were inbetween scenes, when i got to hunt for food, bury the dead, and think the depressing ideas that people i love are dying, i may die soon, etc etc. woke up depressed.
~my friend (H) and i were watching a movie with another friend (R). friend H made a move on me, but i pushed him away. he got violent, and started attacking me. we fought, i fought him off, and got him outta my house. after that, he started stalking me, and following me whenever i went to school (i guess i was in hs still lol). one day, he attacked me while i was walking back home, but i fought him off again, and ran in the house. boarded up the house, but i knew he could still get in. so i found all the knives i could, and chose which ones i wanted to use, hid them in random places, and stood, waiting for him to break in. long time waiting. finally, he breaks in. i wake up feeling scared, and guilty for making my friend such a bad guy in my dream =[
~~UPDATE COMPLETED~~
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Brain Fart 24: Hand to Head!
So my friend from AACF (my Christian fellowship), Jack-E, and I have this inside joke where we touch each others heads and say "Hand to head! Hand to head!!" Weird, right? Ok, well, let me explain. There was this sermon where the pastor was talking about relationships between people, and he talked about this book that talked about 12 levels of contact that measured the closeness with a person. Well, hand to head contact was one of the more intimate forms of physical contact one could have with another. Since it was one of the last levels in the book before things got awkward and inappropriate, Jack-E and I chose this one as our inside joke to show our closeness.
Well, today I got to see her again for the first time in a while, and we did our "hand to head" thing, had our laughs about it, fun stuff. Then, I realized that I was actually truly happy, and had that nice, warm fuzzy feeling inside. Which, by the way, is surprising because I was actually feeling relatively emo and depressed today. I think I was feeling emo because I was thinking about my relationships with people, and was going through my usual insecurities of "maybe I really don't have that many friends, and least not really"-ness. Basically, for a while, I've felt disconnected and distanced from AACF, and that I don't actually have that many good friends there. But somehow, my "hand to head" with Jack-E was able to immediately make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I felt loved again, just after a simple touch. How??
So I was kinda thinking about that as Jack-E was driving me home from our fellowship's dinner event. And I came to the conclusion that physical touch is very important to relationships. Now, now, I don't mean that in a sexual, weird, perverted way. So please don't take this as an excuse to go and harass someone and say, "well, Courtney said it was good to touch!!" No. I don't mean it that way. It's just that, I think physical touch is a good way to see if someone really cares about you. I was running through a list of "friends" in my head. There are friends. Then there are friends. I started separating my friends into each category.
I noticed that the real friends all have a habit of making physical contact with me. Whether it was hugs or high fives, poking or punching me, hand-to-heads or shoulders or arms, there is almost always some form of physical contact between my real friends and me. I wonder what the reason for physical contact between close friends is... Is it that it's a way to get a closer look into how someone is feeling? or is it to get a reaction out of them that most other people don't see often? I really don't know the reason, but either way, it's good. Because that is how I know that those are the friends who actually really care about me, what I'm up to, and even how I feel. Those are the friends who will ask how I'm doing, and ask for details. They are the ones who will look for me if I've gone missing. They are the ones who will search me out at a party and take care of my drunk butt. They are the ones who will probably still seek me out years from now just to see how I'm doing. And they can be sure that I will also be seeking them out, too.
So I guess this is kinda just my shout out to them, to you (you know who you are, or at least I hope you do). Thank you for caring about me, for making me feel loved. If you're one of them, then there's a chance that I may hit you a lot. I know, it's weird that I hit people that I care about. But, if this is you, then I hope you don't take that offensively, because I only do that to people I feel close with, meaning I feel close with you. Anyways, I just wanted to thank those friends out there who really care about me. When I start feeling insecure about my relationships with people, I think of you, and I know that I at least have you, that God at least blessed me with your friendship. I thank Him for that every time. I thank you for that.
<3 Courtney
Well, today I got to see her again for the first time in a while, and we did our "hand to head" thing, had our laughs about it, fun stuff. Then, I realized that I was actually truly happy, and had that nice, warm fuzzy feeling inside. Which, by the way, is surprising because I was actually feeling relatively emo and depressed today. I think I was feeling emo because I was thinking about my relationships with people, and was going through my usual insecurities of "maybe I really don't have that many friends, and least not really"-ness. Basically, for a while, I've felt disconnected and distanced from AACF, and that I don't actually have that many good friends there. But somehow, my "hand to head" with Jack-E was able to immediately make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I felt loved again, just after a simple touch. How??
So I was kinda thinking about that as Jack-E was driving me home from our fellowship's dinner event. And I came to the conclusion that physical touch is very important to relationships. Now, now, I don't mean that in a sexual, weird, perverted way. So please don't take this as an excuse to go and harass someone and say, "well, Courtney said it was good to touch!!" No. I don't mean it that way. It's just that, I think physical touch is a good way to see if someone really cares about you. I was running through a list of "friends" in my head. There are friends. Then there are friends. I started separating my friends into each category.
I noticed that the real friends all have a habit of making physical contact with me. Whether it was hugs or high fives, poking or punching me, hand-to-heads or shoulders or arms, there is almost always some form of physical contact between my real friends and me. I wonder what the reason for physical contact between close friends is... Is it that it's a way to get a closer look into how someone is feeling? or is it to get a reaction out of them that most other people don't see often? I really don't know the reason, but either way, it's good. Because that is how I know that those are the friends who actually really care about me, what I'm up to, and even how I feel. Those are the friends who will ask how I'm doing, and ask for details. They are the ones who will look for me if I've gone missing. They are the ones who will search me out at a party and take care of my drunk butt. They are the ones who will probably still seek me out years from now just to see how I'm doing. And they can be sure that I will also be seeking them out, too.
So I guess this is kinda just my shout out to them, to you (you know who you are, or at least I hope you do). Thank you for caring about me, for making me feel loved. If you're one of them, then there's a chance that I may hit you a lot. I know, it's weird that I hit people that I care about. But, if this is you, then I hope you don't take that offensively, because I only do that to people I feel close with, meaning I feel close with you. Anyways, I just wanted to thank those friends out there who really care about me. When I start feeling insecure about my relationships with people, I think of you, and I know that I at least have you, that God at least blessed me with your friendship. I thank Him for that every time. I thank you for that.
<3 Courtney
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Brain Fart 23: New Life Church
I love New Life Church, which is where I go when I'm in Fairfield. Mom discovered it quite a few years ago, but I only just started to go on a somewhat regular basis ("somewhat" because I'm regular only when I'm in Fairfield) just this year. However, I've gone enough to realize something: I do not feel completely comfortable going to church with Mom, Lindsay, and probably Dad if he went to church. Errrr if any of you are reading this (and you probably ALL are), please don't take it the wrong way. It's totally not because of you.
I know I've said this before, so I think we all know by now that I just do not like to be vulnerable in front of my family, and I think that applies to this, too. Back when I was younger, before college, I had no problem going to church with my family. It was just like hanging out with family friends. Sing songs, pray (or sleep while everyone else prayed), listen to some guy talk (or sleep while everyone else listened to some guy talk), play dodgeball, etc, etc, whatever.
Then I got to college. I totally thought I was just gonna party it up, drink, live the college life. Then, I was brought to AACF. Changed. My. Life. I mean, sure, Youth Camp brought me to acknowledge Jesus as my savior, and I took the first few steps into my faith. But AACF is where I made my relationship with God personal. That is when I started going to church on a regular basis of my own accord. I even attempted doing devotions everyday (that failed back then, but I'm now attempting to stay regular at that, too). And it wasn't just my practices that changed. My whole mindset in a Christian setting changed. I started to actually try to make things personal between God and me. I started to try to open myself up, and make myself vulnerable to God's power and love.
I am still that way now. But, I have realized that it is much harder to let myself be like that when my family is around. For example, I can not really get into singing worship songs without feeling self-conscious around them. It is so stupid of me. Why should I get embarrassed about my love for God? Why should I let that stop me from worshiping God? But, because of this, I have started to intentionally go to church at a different time from the rest of the family. It feels wrong that I go separate from the family, but I also feel like it would be wrong to not give my all to God, which is what happens when I go with Mom and Lindsay.
Unfortunately, simply acknowledging this problem won't make it any better. So, for now, I might keep going to church at a separate time from the rest of the family. Or maybe I'll just suck it up, go to church with everyone, and slowly get used to it? I don't even know...
I know I've said this before, so I think we all know by now that I just do not like to be vulnerable in front of my family, and I think that applies to this, too. Back when I was younger, before college, I had no problem going to church with my family. It was just like hanging out with family friends. Sing songs, pray (or sleep while everyone else prayed), listen to some guy talk (or sleep while everyone else listened to some guy talk), play dodgeball, etc, etc, whatever.
Then I got to college. I totally thought I was just gonna party it up, drink, live the college life. Then, I was brought to AACF. Changed. My. Life. I mean, sure, Youth Camp brought me to acknowledge Jesus as my savior, and I took the first few steps into my faith. But AACF is where I made my relationship with God personal. That is when I started going to church on a regular basis of my own accord. I even attempted doing devotions everyday (that failed back then, but I'm now attempting to stay regular at that, too). And it wasn't just my practices that changed. My whole mindset in a Christian setting changed. I started to actually try to make things personal between God and me. I started to try to open myself up, and make myself vulnerable to God's power and love.
I am still that way now. But, I have realized that it is much harder to let myself be like that when my family is around. For example, I can not really get into singing worship songs without feeling self-conscious around them. It is so stupid of me. Why should I get embarrassed about my love for God? Why should I let that stop me from worshiping God? But, because of this, I have started to intentionally go to church at a different time from the rest of the family. It feels wrong that I go separate from the family, but I also feel like it would be wrong to not give my all to God, which is what happens when I go with Mom and Lindsay.
Unfortunately, simply acknowledging this problem won't make it any better. So, for now, I might keep going to church at a separate time from the rest of the family. Or maybe I'll just suck it up, go to church with everyone, and slowly get used to it? I don't even know...
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Brain Fart 22: Games
I love games. Board games, video games, card games, weird Christian-made games, run-around-in-fields-like-fools games, all of them. However, there a certain kind of game that I have always hated. That would be the "relationship games". You know, like "hard to get," or "pretend to be into someone else to see if he will get jealous" types of games. I think those are pretty immature, and are disasters waiting to happen. Too bad I kind of play those games, too.
The game I play is "give them my attention then take it away." This is how it goes:
When I first become interested, I initiate IM conversations every chance I get. Then, after a while, I stop IMing them. After that, I leave it up to them to IM me. I do this to see if they care enough to notice that I'm gone, if I left a big enough impression on them to make them notice my absence.
Yeah, it's pretty immature. I hate that I play those childish games. However, I realize that I don't do that necessarily with just guys I'm interested in. I apply it to a lot of other friendships in my life. It's not really about the game to me. It's more like... making sure I'm not investing in a relationship that the other party is not also investing in. You see, as most of you probably know by now, I have some serious issues with insecurity. Due to past events, I have problems with trusting that people won't leave me, or "drop" me (referring back to the "Toy Story of my Life" blog).
So, through the game, I see who cared enough about me to notice when I stopped IMing them. And even more, I see who missed me enough to IM me first. I figure, if they care that much, then they are also investing in our relationship (or friendship), and that I can trust that they won't so easily let go of it. Unfortunately, it's not really all that efficient, and it doesn't always work.
But who cares? It's just a game.
The game I play is "give them my attention then take it away." This is how it goes:
When I first become interested, I initiate IM conversations every chance I get. Then, after a while, I stop IMing them. After that, I leave it up to them to IM me. I do this to see if they care enough to notice that I'm gone, if I left a big enough impression on them to make them notice my absence.
Yeah, it's pretty immature. I hate that I play those childish games. However, I realize that I don't do that necessarily with just guys I'm interested in. I apply it to a lot of other friendships in my life. It's not really about the game to me. It's more like... making sure I'm not investing in a relationship that the other party is not also investing in. You see, as most of you probably know by now, I have some serious issues with insecurity. Due to past events, I have problems with trusting that people won't leave me, or "drop" me (referring back to the "Toy Story of my Life" blog).
So, through the game, I see who cared enough about me to notice when I stopped IMing them. And even more, I see who missed me enough to IM me first. I figure, if they care that much, then they are also investing in our relationship (or friendship), and that I can trust that they won't so easily let go of it. Unfortunately, it's not really all that efficient, and it doesn't always work.
But who cares? It's just a game.
Brain Fart 21: If I Had a Little White Box to Put My Jesus In
If I had a little white box to put my Jesus in
I'd take Him out and **kiss kiss kiss** and share Him with a friend.
And if I had a little black box to put the devil in
I'd take him out and SMASH HIS HEAD and put him back again.
hahahaha I love this song, it's so funny! It's one of the only Jesus songs I know where you can actually be violent! But that's not the point.
The point I'm thinking about is putting Jesus (or God) in a box. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of putting limits on who God is, what He thinks, or what He can do. Sometimes, I feel like people make God sound like such an uptight, narrow-minded stick in the mud. I hear sermons all the time about how we should or should not do this or that because "God says so." How do we know that? Sure, there's the Bible. It tells us a lot about God. A LOT. But who are we to say that that is all God has to say? I mean, just between the Old and New Testament, lots of things changed. We (or maybe it's just me) tend to see the Old Testament as the time of just rules, and punishments for not following those rules. Then we read the New Testament, which seems to throw the rulebook to the wind. People are forgiven of their sins, and all is happy and dandy and puppies rolling around in meadows. Things were so different, that people didn't believe that Jesus was God's son BECAUSE it was so different. They thought, "How could this possibly be God's son when he doesn't follow God's usual way of doing things at all?"
But God was there in ALL of it. From the stiff ways of the Old Testament to the loosey-goosey ways of the New Testament, God was there. Which shows us just how big God is. He is beyond our imagination. And yet, here we are, saying things like "God doesn't like this. He doesn't want that."Or, "God doesn't like gay people. He doesn't want them to get married. He wants us to stop them." ((Yeah, that's right, I just went there! I'm a "No on prop.8"-er all the way!))
Ya know, I totally had a lot more to say on this topic. I had things swimming in my head about how that mind-set of "putting God in a box" makes Christianity seem like it's no fun when it really is and stuff like that. However, I can't find a clever way to put that in here, and I'm too tired to try and work it in, so I'll just lay it out there and let you think about it for yourself =]
Bottom line: I don't like putting God in a box. He's too awesome for that. Ze END!!!!
I'd take Him out and **kiss kiss kiss** and share Him with a friend.
And if I had a little black box to put the devil in
I'd take him out and SMASH HIS HEAD and put him back again.
hahahaha I love this song, it's so funny! It's one of the only Jesus songs I know where you can actually be violent! But that's not the point.
The point I'm thinking about is putting Jesus (or God) in a box. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of putting limits on who God is, what He thinks, or what He can do. Sometimes, I feel like people make God sound like such an uptight, narrow-minded stick in the mud. I hear sermons all the time about how we should or should not do this or that because "God says so." How do we know that? Sure, there's the Bible. It tells us a lot about God. A LOT. But who are we to say that that is all God has to say? I mean, just between the Old and New Testament, lots of things changed. We (or maybe it's just me) tend to see the Old Testament as the time of just rules, and punishments for not following those rules. Then we read the New Testament, which seems to throw the rulebook to the wind. People are forgiven of their sins, and all is happy and dandy and puppies rolling around in meadows. Things were so different, that people didn't believe that Jesus was God's son BECAUSE it was so different. They thought, "How could this possibly be God's son when he doesn't follow God's usual way of doing things at all?"
But God was there in ALL of it. From the stiff ways of the Old Testament to the loosey-goosey ways of the New Testament, God was there. Which shows us just how big God is. He is beyond our imagination. And yet, here we are, saying things like "God doesn't like this. He doesn't want that."Or, "God doesn't like gay people. He doesn't want them to get married. He wants us to stop them." ((Yeah, that's right, I just went there! I'm a "No on prop.8"-er all the way!))
Ya know, I totally had a lot more to say on this topic. I had things swimming in my head about how that mind-set of "putting God in a box" makes Christianity seem like it's no fun when it really is and stuff like that. However, I can't find a clever way to put that in here, and I'm too tired to try and work it in, so I'll just lay it out there and let you think about it for yourself =]
Bottom line: I don't like putting God in a box. He's too awesome for that. Ze END!!!!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Brain Fart 20: Dream Diary 2
So, as you can see, I don't blog every one of my dreams, otherwise I should have a blog at least every other night. But this one was special. In that it was weird as heck.
Basically, it was a dream about a demon. And yes, I do believe in demons. I'm not sure what my beliefs are about demons, I just believe they exist. Anyways, in my dream, all I can remember is...
I was at my grandpa and grandma's (Goonggoong and Paupau) house. I could feel the demon's presence. Everyone starts freaking out. I grab something heavy enough to hurt when swung around. I don't remember what it was. It looked like a stick, but when i swung it, it felt like there was water in it. I can't see the demon itself, but I guess my vision would get distorted if my eyes were on it. So, I swung at the distorted parts of my vision. Then, the demon got smarter!! It made my vision everywhere go distorted! So, I swung everywhere. My family behind me were cheering me on, but I wondered why they weren't fighting with me...
The demon disappeared. I don't know where it went. We started cheering, because it was gone, but I felt uneasy since I knew I hadn't actually killed it. Then, I had some sort of premonition (I know, it just keeps getting weirder and weirder!!). I saw one of my friends, Mickey**, from high school who I haven't seen since graduation. Apparently, he's got a baby on the way. So my premonition was that he and the girl he got pregnant were getting attacked by the demon. I don't know how. It actually just looked like she was going in to labor, but I guess to my dream self, that's equivalent to getting attacked by a demon. I don't know Mickey's number or address, but I want to warn him. So, I call one of my closest friends from high school, Pandaxan, who goes to the same college as Mickey, and tell him to warn Mickey. After I hang up the phone, I wake up back at my home.
And the demon is at my house now. Poo. So, I'm panicking, grabbing another stick-but-filled-with-water type thing, and running to my parents' room to tell them. My mom just laughs, and says it'll be okay. But it won't! The demon is here!! Why doesn't she care about it, when she was also freaking out at GG and PP's house?? But I don't have time to worry about that. I'm scared. I can't fight the demon again if my mom isn't going to cheer me on. So I sit at the top of our staircase, and I pray.
Dear Heavenly Father, please keep all demons at a 200 mile radius away from my house. Please keep my family and I safe. Amen.
I open my eyes, and the demon is gone. But then, so is my mom. I wonder, where is she?...
I wake up, and my mom texts me a response to a text I sent her earlier that morning before I fell back asleep into that weird, intense dream.
Now, I'm off to be a counselor at the camp I spent 7 years at as a camper. Wish me luck!!
Basically, it was a dream about a demon. And yes, I do believe in demons. I'm not sure what my beliefs are about demons, I just believe they exist. Anyways, in my dream, all I can remember is...
I was at my grandpa and grandma's (Goonggoong and Paupau) house. I could feel the demon's presence. Everyone starts freaking out. I grab something heavy enough to hurt when swung around. I don't remember what it was. It looked like a stick, but when i swung it, it felt like there was water in it. I can't see the demon itself, but I guess my vision would get distorted if my eyes were on it. So, I swung at the distorted parts of my vision. Then, the demon got smarter!! It made my vision everywhere go distorted! So, I swung everywhere. My family behind me were cheering me on, but I wondered why they weren't fighting with me...
The demon disappeared. I don't know where it went. We started cheering, because it was gone, but I felt uneasy since I knew I hadn't actually killed it. Then, I had some sort of premonition (I know, it just keeps getting weirder and weirder!!). I saw one of my friends, Mickey**, from high school who I haven't seen since graduation. Apparently, he's got a baby on the way. So my premonition was that he and the girl he got pregnant were getting attacked by the demon. I don't know how. It actually just looked like she was going in to labor, but I guess to my dream self, that's equivalent to getting attacked by a demon. I don't know Mickey's number or address, but I want to warn him. So, I call one of my closest friends from high school, Pandaxan, who goes to the same college as Mickey, and tell him to warn Mickey. After I hang up the phone, I wake up back at my home.
And the demon is at my house now. Poo. So, I'm panicking, grabbing another stick-but-filled-with-water type thing, and running to my parents' room to tell them. My mom just laughs, and says it'll be okay. But it won't! The demon is here!! Why doesn't she care about it, when she was also freaking out at GG and PP's house?? But I don't have time to worry about that. I'm scared. I can't fight the demon again if my mom isn't going to cheer me on. So I sit at the top of our staircase, and I pray.
Dear Heavenly Father, please keep all demons at a 200 mile radius away from my house. Please keep my family and I safe. Amen.
I open my eyes, and the demon is gone. But then, so is my mom. I wonder, where is she?...
I wake up, and my mom texts me a response to a text I sent her earlier that morning before I fell back asleep into that weird, intense dream.
Now, I'm off to be a counselor at the camp I spent 7 years at as a camper. Wish me luck!!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Brain Fart 19: Dream Diary 1
This one is inspired by my friend. He told me about how he writes down his dreams right after he wakes up, so he doesn't forget. I think that's a pretty good idea, especially since my dreams are CRAZYYYYY!
I know you're thinking "all dreams are crazy!" But no. Mine are REALLY crazy, often times disturbing. Here is some of them thus far...
~my cat died. as a rooster. and my dad ate her. as a nerds rope.
~my bath toys attacked me. then a giant toy troll tried to eat me.
~I ran from gangsters by driving numerous cars and motorcycles. and crashing them.
~my parents drove off a bridge, and it became a rollercoaster. then it crashed and i was hanging off the cliff. with only one hand.
~I was in a war, and an enemy soldier came in, and killed the general, leaving just him and me. We fought, I stabbed him through the back of the neck, and sliced his throat. I was about to turn him over to find id to tell his family when I woke up (I think it was triggered by reading "All Quiet on the Western Front" and "Letters from Iwo Jima")
~I was saying goodbye to my family the day before I knew I was going to go off and fight zombies alone. I somehow knew I was gonna die. This was REALLY sad.
~I was walking with my christian friends from church and fellowship. We were being persecuted, and people kept stepping on mines. And, yes, exploding. However, that didn't stop my friends from dancing around. I was scared for them, while thinking "they're idiots!!!". Sorry guys =[
Yeah. Crazy, right? And some quite disturbing, and some downright sad.
Anyways, here was the dream that I had during my nap this evening.
Lindsay and I were heading home from Davis, and we got reaaally lost. We were lost for hours, since it got dark. My dream spent a lot of time on me just feelings scared and hopeless. Then, we got found. Then, for some reason, everyone went to Tahoe without me and Dad. So, we were waiting for a bus (in Davis, still, for some reason). And....my neighbors were mutated monsters. The most distinct one I remember was a barf green monster whose legs had gotten amputated. That was creepy. Then, we were in Tahoe, and I was unpacking clothes. The pile never ended.
The end.
I know you're thinking "all dreams are crazy!" But no. Mine are REALLY crazy, often times disturbing. Here is some of them thus far...
~my cat died. as a rooster. and my dad ate her. as a nerds rope.
~my bath toys attacked me. then a giant toy troll tried to eat me.
~I ran from gangsters by driving numerous cars and motorcycles. and crashing them.
~my parents drove off a bridge, and it became a rollercoaster. then it crashed and i was hanging off the cliff. with only one hand.
~I was in a war, and an enemy soldier came in, and killed the general, leaving just him and me. We fought, I stabbed him through the back of the neck, and sliced his throat. I was about to turn him over to find id to tell his family when I woke up (I think it was triggered by reading "All Quiet on the Western Front" and "Letters from Iwo Jima")
~I was saying goodbye to my family the day before I knew I was going to go off and fight zombies alone. I somehow knew I was gonna die. This was REALLY sad.
~I was walking with my christian friends from church and fellowship. We were being persecuted, and people kept stepping on mines. And, yes, exploding. However, that didn't stop my friends from dancing around. I was scared for them, while thinking "they're idiots!!!". Sorry guys =[
Yeah. Crazy, right? And some quite disturbing, and some downright sad.
Anyways, here was the dream that I had during my nap this evening.
Lindsay and I were heading home from Davis, and we got reaaally lost. We were lost for hours, since it got dark. My dream spent a lot of time on me just feelings scared and hopeless. Then, we got found. Then, for some reason, everyone went to Tahoe without me and Dad. So, we were waiting for a bus (in Davis, still, for some reason). And....my neighbors were mutated monsters. The most distinct one I remember was a barf green monster whose legs had gotten amputated. That was creepy. Then, we were in Tahoe, and I was unpacking clothes. The pile never ended.
The end.
Brain Fart 18: Communications 101
So, a few people like to come to me for relationship help. I don't understand why. I've only been in one bf/gf relationship, and have, like, no experience. But what little I have learned, mostly from watching others, is that the key to any kind of interpersonal relationship, whether it be friendship, gf/bf, parent/child, or whatever else, is communication.
You HAVE to communicate. Tell each other what you're thinking, what you're feeling. This seems so obvious, and it is. But it's still so hard. People worry about how the other party is going to react, or they assume that nothing needs to be said, like it's already understood. It's not. People can't read minds. For example, in any relationship where a boy is "talking" to a girl, the guy may say "I like you." Then, for some reason or another,the girl starts feeling insecure, and wishes the guy to say it again. But, the guy doesn't think he needs to, because he's already said it. Well, time has passed, and feelings change. Everyone knows that. So maybe, not necessarily in a gushy, gross way, they should reassure that girl to let them know that the feelings are still there.
There is an infinite amount of possible feelings, thoughts, and reasons for doing things. But when you don't communicate, we tend to limit what those possibilities are, and make assumptions. Then, misunderstandings are born, and trust dies away. And trust is another vital key to successful relationships.
So, don't make assumptions.
JUST TALK.
You HAVE to communicate. Tell each other what you're thinking, what you're feeling. This seems so obvious, and it is. But it's still so hard. People worry about how the other party is going to react, or they assume that nothing needs to be said, like it's already understood. It's not. People can't read minds. For example, in any relationship where a boy is "talking" to a girl, the guy may say "I like you." Then, for some reason or another,the girl starts feeling insecure, and wishes the guy to say it again. But, the guy doesn't think he needs to, because he's already said it. Well, time has passed, and feelings change. Everyone knows that. So maybe, not necessarily in a gushy, gross way, they should reassure that girl to let them know that the feelings are still there.
There is an infinite amount of possible feelings, thoughts, and reasons for doing things. But when you don't communicate, we tend to limit what those possibilities are, and make assumptions. Then, misunderstandings are born, and trust dies away. And trust is another vital key to successful relationships.
So, don't make assumptions.
JUST TALK.
Brain Fart 17: Deprived Child
Do you remember that game where you go around in a circle and say, "I have never ____"? It was so much fun!! Until you won, and realized that you have no life... hahahaha just kidding. Anyways!
My sister and I were watching one of the million movies we've been watching since we got Netflix for our Wii. This time, is was "The Confessions of a Shopaholic." It was a pretty good movie, although the main character kind of annoyed me. SO basically, her mom deprived her of pretty clothes when she was a kid. She always got the ugly brown shoes because they were cheaper and lasted longer. Instead of getting scarves, her mom wrapped jeans around her neck instead. Ok, so that one is preeettty ghetto, but still, I thought it was ridiculous for the main girl to become to obsessed just because her mom deprived her as a child.
But then, I realized that there is some truth to this. My mom was deprived of pets as a child. We now own 3 dogs, a cat, and a box turtle. My sister was deprived of make up and peircings as a child. If you know her, then you already know, case closed. Poor kids, deprived of money, strive to be billionaires. In all of the asian dramas, the rich kids, deprived of love, would give up their money to find love.
So, I guess there is some truth to this "deprived child" phenomenon. So I'm not annoyed by her. As much.
And yes. That was really random. But not all of my blogs can be all deep and personal and superduper long. Because then that would be boring, right?
Right!
My sister and I were watching one of the million movies we've been watching since we got Netflix for our Wii. This time, is was "The Confessions of a Shopaholic." It was a pretty good movie, although the main character kind of annoyed me. SO basically, her mom deprived her of pretty clothes when she was a kid. She always got the ugly brown shoes because they were cheaper and lasted longer. Instead of getting scarves, her mom wrapped jeans around her neck instead. Ok, so that one is preeettty ghetto, but still, I thought it was ridiculous for the main girl to become to obsessed just because her mom deprived her as a child.
But then, I realized that there is some truth to this. My mom was deprived of pets as a child. We now own 3 dogs, a cat, and a box turtle. My sister was deprived of make up and peircings as a child. If you know her, then you already know, case closed. Poor kids, deprived of money, strive to be billionaires. In all of the asian dramas, the rich kids, deprived of love, would give up their money to find love.
So, I guess there is some truth to this "deprived child" phenomenon. So I'm not annoyed by her. As much.
And yes. That was really random. But not all of my blogs can be all deep and personal and superduper long. Because then that would be boring, right?
Right!
Brain Fart 16: Toy Story of my Life
Once upon a time, in a land not too far away from here, in a time not too long ago, there was this girl. Her name is Loko. She had a crush on this guy. The guy said he had a crush on her. Then, all of a sudden, his profile read "In A Relationship." Not with Loko. Loko was really angry, and probably quite hurt, so she ran to Cojo and told her the story. Cojo replied, "Heh. Story of my life."
I am Cojo. And that has been the story of my life thus far, a toy story. The most recent chapter of my life was a small one, but it's what triggered my thoughts of toys. Basically, there was this guy, Shika-sempai. We met, we got along pretty well. We flirted. He told me he was interested in me, but was not looking for a girlfriend. I was interested in him, but not as long as he wasn't serious. So I just let it go, but we still flirted and whatnot. Then one day, I see him walking across the quad holding hands with a girl. I texted him, and he told me he had a girlfriend. You know, the one he didn't want, and wasn't looking for.
This was a small chapter, but it's what triggered my brain fart explosion. It made me think back to when we were chatting about what we were to each other. I remember how he had told me he was interested in me, but wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I remember thinking, "then, what the heck do you want from me?" And now, I can only think that he saw me as a (and this is where I came up with the analogy) "toy." I was a toy that he could just play with, because I was cute, or fun to play with, or whatever. And then, when I wasn't needed, he could just drop me.
And that's what a toy is. A toy is something that is cute, fun to play with, always there, comforting, or maybe all of the above. And that is what I have been to not just Shika-sempai, but to many guys before. I was a toy when they were bored, just looking to play, or sometimes, I was used in place of a "real" girl. Some guys used me when the girl they liked did not like them back, or, even worse, if their relationship with a girl wasn't fun enough or good enough for them. Yeah, that's right. Guys with girlfriends have "played with" me, too. And that doesn't make me feel bad for just me, but I feel even worse for that girl. But then, eventually, they lost their need for me, and I got dropped. Like a toy. Thinking back, I can count at least 7 or 8 guys who have made me their toy.
And maybe that is why I have not been in a relationship since my freshman year of high school (for the record, my boyfriend didn't pull crap like that on me. he was great). Most people who know me probably can tell that when it comes to guys, I tend to pull away. I hate admitting to liking anyone. If I find out they like me, whether or not I like them back, I tend to distance myself. I always wondered why I did that, because it's quite frustrating, even for myself. I realize, it's because I'm scared. In my mind, I'm just waiting for them to drop me like a toy. Therefore, if I distance myself, when they drop me, it'll be okay. Because if I distance myself, if I never admit to liking them, then I don't have to admit that I was hurt by them.
I always told my sister that when a guy hurts me, I act like it doesn't bother me, because if I act like I'm okay, then I'll be okay faster. Although that may be true, it's not the complete truth until I add in that I also do it to save my dignity. It goes back from Brain Fart 15. I reaaallly hate showing my weaknesses. But, here it is.
Everytime a guy has used me as a toy, whether he meant to or not, whether I liked him or only saw him as a friend, it has hurt me to some degree. And added up, it has left a serious scar on me, enough to make me scared to trust anyone, to like anyone. It may have even prevented me from falling in love up to now. Thanks a bunch.
So, here's a couple of my favorite songs to sum up my feelings.
To the boys out there who are just trying to play:
To the world in general:
I am Cojo. And that has been the story of my life thus far, a toy story. The most recent chapter of my life was a small one, but it's what triggered my thoughts of toys. Basically, there was this guy, Shika-sempai. We met, we got along pretty well. We flirted. He told me he was interested in me, but was not looking for a girlfriend. I was interested in him, but not as long as he wasn't serious. So I just let it go, but we still flirted and whatnot. Then one day, I see him walking across the quad holding hands with a girl. I texted him, and he told me he had a girlfriend. You know, the one he didn't want, and wasn't looking for.
This was a small chapter, but it's what triggered my brain fart explosion. It made me think back to when we were chatting about what we were to each other. I remember how he had told me he was interested in me, but wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I remember thinking, "then, what the heck do you want from me?" And now, I can only think that he saw me as a (and this is where I came up with the analogy) "toy." I was a toy that he could just play with, because I was cute, or fun to play with, or whatever. And then, when I wasn't needed, he could just drop me.
And that's what a toy is. A toy is something that is cute, fun to play with, always there, comforting, or maybe all of the above. And that is what I have been to not just Shika-sempai, but to many guys before. I was a toy when they were bored, just looking to play, or sometimes, I was used in place of a "real" girl. Some guys used me when the girl they liked did not like them back, or, even worse, if their relationship with a girl wasn't fun enough or good enough for them. Yeah, that's right. Guys with girlfriends have "played with" me, too. And that doesn't make me feel bad for just me, but I feel even worse for that girl. But then, eventually, they lost their need for me, and I got dropped. Like a toy. Thinking back, I can count at least 7 or 8 guys who have made me their toy.
And maybe that is why I have not been in a relationship since my freshman year of high school (for the record, my boyfriend didn't pull crap like that on me. he was great). Most people who know me probably can tell that when it comes to guys, I tend to pull away. I hate admitting to liking anyone. If I find out they like me, whether or not I like them back, I tend to distance myself. I always wondered why I did that, because it's quite frustrating, even for myself. I realize, it's because I'm scared. In my mind, I'm just waiting for them to drop me like a toy. Therefore, if I distance myself, when they drop me, it'll be okay. Because if I distance myself, if I never admit to liking them, then I don't have to admit that I was hurt by them.
I always told my sister that when a guy hurts me, I act like it doesn't bother me, because if I act like I'm okay, then I'll be okay faster. Although that may be true, it's not the complete truth until I add in that I also do it to save my dignity. It goes back from Brain Fart 15. I reaaallly hate showing my weaknesses. But, here it is.
Everytime a guy has used me as a toy, whether he meant to or not, whether I liked him or only saw him as a friend, it has hurt me to some degree. And added up, it has left a serious scar on me, enough to make me scared to trust anyone, to like anyone. It may have even prevented me from falling in love up to now. Thanks a bunch.
So, here's a couple of my favorite songs to sum up my feelings.
To the boys out there who are just trying to play:
To the world in general:
Brain Fart 15: My Delicate Side
I'm baack!!
Sorry I was away for so long. The excuse in my head is that I had nothing to write about. That's a lie. Of course I have things on my mind, I think too much!! The real reason is because I know my family has started reading my blog. I just realized this, but I have a real hard time opening up to them. It's not their fault. They have never given me any reason to feel like I cannot open myself up, and be myself, towards them. Ever.
Ok, well maybe there was something. I mean, there was that time I made a fool of myself in Disneyland, and they laughed at me. That made me cry. But that was a long time ago!! Oh. But then, there's also the fact that we seem to have a "always be strong" family motto. People get teased for being "delicate" or "sensitive" or "corny." So, I guess that kinda scared me into being "strong" as a kid. But, like I said, it's not their fault that I cannot completely open myself to them. My sister does. All the time.
The real problem lies with my own self-made rule that I cannot be weak. I think I hate to see people pity me. For example, when plans I had made with friends got cancelled by the other party, I would always make some bs lie about it to my parents, maybe that I didn't feel like going out, or that I had never made plans, just so they wouldn't feel bad for me. Then, one time, when I was on a church retreat, I went boulder-hopping with some friends. Basically, boulder-hopping is my worst nightmare: heights, climbing, and spiders. So, you guessed it, I had an almost-meltdown. I had reached my limit, and I was about to cry. My friend, Glory** (not their real name), tried to comfort me. That made it worse. I started freaking out, telling, begging her not to comfort me. I did NOT want to cry in front of them. In the end, I even had to yell at her to stop talking, sit on my own boulder facing away from everyone, and just calm myself. (btw, sorry for yelling you at that time, Glory!)
I guess, I just really hate to see my own weakness. I feel like, if I see it, I admit my own defeat. I don't want to do that. Somehow, I feel like if I can just trick everyone to think I'm fine, then I can trick myself, and I can save some dignity. But, if they see it, then they pity me, and I feel like I'm a failure. Yeah. I know it's stupid. But that's what it is. That's why I was so...cautious when I found out my family read my blogs. But...no more. It's time for me to grow up a little, and start realizing that, sometimes, life hurts me, and it's ok to show that.
Sorry I was away for so long. The excuse in my head is that I had nothing to write about. That's a lie. Of course I have things on my mind, I think too much!! The real reason is because I know my family has started reading my blog. I just realized this, but I have a real hard time opening up to them. It's not their fault. They have never given me any reason to feel like I cannot open myself up, and be myself, towards them. Ever.
Ok, well maybe there was something. I mean, there was that time I made a fool of myself in Disneyland, and they laughed at me. That made me cry. But that was a long time ago!! Oh. But then, there's also the fact that we seem to have a "always be strong" family motto. People get teased for being "delicate" or "sensitive" or "corny." So, I guess that kinda scared me into being "strong" as a kid. But, like I said, it's not their fault that I cannot completely open myself to them. My sister does. All the time.
The real problem lies with my own self-made rule that I cannot be weak. I think I hate to see people pity me. For example, when plans I had made with friends got cancelled by the other party, I would always make some bs lie about it to my parents, maybe that I didn't feel like going out, or that I had never made plans, just so they wouldn't feel bad for me. Then, one time, when I was on a church retreat, I went boulder-hopping with some friends. Basically, boulder-hopping is my worst nightmare: heights, climbing, and spiders. So, you guessed it, I had an almost-meltdown. I had reached my limit, and I was about to cry. My friend, Glory** (not their real name), tried to comfort me. That made it worse. I started freaking out, telling, begging her not to comfort me. I did NOT want to cry in front of them. In the end, I even had to yell at her to stop talking, sit on my own boulder facing away from everyone, and just calm myself. (btw, sorry for yelling you at that time, Glory!)
I guess, I just really hate to see my own weakness. I feel like, if I see it, I admit my own defeat. I don't want to do that. Somehow, I feel like if I can just trick everyone to think I'm fine, then I can trick myself, and I can save some dignity. But, if they see it, then they pity me, and I feel like I'm a failure. Yeah. I know it's stupid. But that's what it is. That's why I was so...cautious when I found out my family read my blogs. But...no more. It's time for me to grow up a little, and start realizing that, sometimes, life hurts me, and it's ok to show that.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Brain Fart 14: As Long As You Love Me
As I was walking my dog the other day, I was listening to my ipod, when one of my favorite songs came on:
"As Long As You Love Me"
Everyone knows that song by the Backstreet Boys. Why? Because it's freakin awesome! I also think there's something to the lyrics that is very intriguing to the reader. The chorus goes like this (you should sing along):
I don't care who you are,
where you're from,
don't care what you did
as long as you love me.
Pretty awesome right? I think those lyrics make us go "awwww" inside, because we like the idea that someone could love us so... unconditionally. However, I used to think those lyrics were stupid. I couldn't help but think, "Wow, that's really dumb of them. As long as that person loves you, you can accept everything about them? How could you possibly love someone, even if they did something REALLY bad?"
Well, of course, I forgot about a certain someone who COULD do that, and DOES do that. With everyone, all the time. Even me, even you. Of course, that person is God. Of course, He is not just a person, but I use it for lack of a better term. Anyways, He is the one who shows everyone the type of unconditional love described in the chorus of this popular song. Even when we cheat, lie, hurt each other, etc, He loves us so much, and all He asks of us in return is that we love Him.
So, now I realize that those lyrics aren't so dumb afterall. In fact, I hope to eventually be able to love people the same way that God does, and not judge someone before I love them. I won't ever be that good, but that won't stop me from trying anyways, and when it comes to God, I think A is definitely for effort.
Anyways, I just thought that was a cool thought I had the other day =]
"As Long As You Love Me"
Everyone knows that song by the Backstreet Boys. Why? Because it's freakin awesome! I also think there's something to the lyrics that is very intriguing to the reader. The chorus goes like this (you should sing along):
I don't care who you are,
where you're from,
don't care what you did
as long as you love me.
Pretty awesome right? I think those lyrics make us go "awwww" inside, because we like the idea that someone could love us so... unconditionally. However, I used to think those lyrics were stupid. I couldn't help but think, "Wow, that's really dumb of them. As long as that person loves you, you can accept everything about them? How could you possibly love someone, even if they did something REALLY bad?"
Well, of course, I forgot about a certain someone who COULD do that, and DOES do that. With everyone, all the time. Even me, even you. Of course, that person is God. Of course, He is not just a person, but I use it for lack of a better term. Anyways, He is the one who shows everyone the type of unconditional love described in the chorus of this popular song. Even when we cheat, lie, hurt each other, etc, He loves us so much, and all He asks of us in return is that we love Him.
So, now I realize that those lyrics aren't so dumb afterall. In fact, I hope to eventually be able to love people the same way that God does, and not judge someone before I love them. I won't ever be that good, but that won't stop me from trying anyways, and when it comes to God, I think A is definitely for effort.
Anyways, I just thought that was a cool thought I had the other day =]
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Brain Fart 13: Mental Attraction
"What kind of person do you like?"
We have all been asked this question. And, we all know that there are two parts to this question: appearance and personality. While the answers to the appearance part may be quite diverse, I feel like we all answer the personality question the same way. It's usually something like, "He has to be smart, nice, and funny..." etc. I mean, what else can we say? "Oh I like myself someone really mean, creepy, boring, and stupid." I don't think so.
Then, almost everyone answers using the same three or four adjectives. However, that is too general. No one is just "smart, nice, and funny." If that were the case, then no one would end up dating the jerks that we all know so many of our friends to do. To answer the "personality" question, it would be better to use more specific adjectives. But, if we do that, then there are too many choices to choose from. Why? Because people are not storybook characters. We are complex beings living our lives, constantly being faced with different experiences, and constantly being shaped by those experiences. As a result, there are so many personality traits that a person may have, there is an almost infinite amount of choices to choose from, and sometimes almost and infinite amount of personality traits that a person may carry.
Today, someone asked me that question. "What kind of person do you like?" I was able to answer the appearance part. As for the personality part, I said, "If I knew that, don't you think I would have a boyfriend already?" I was a little shocked with myself for saying this, but I guess this is true. I know what I like when it comes to appearances, and there have been plenty of guys that fit the description. And most of them were nice, smart, and funny. So why aren't I dating any of them? I don't know the exact answer, all I know is that I just was/am not interested. There must be some personality trait that I am looking for that they lack. Or maybe they have a trait that I don't like. So, I guess all I can say is, as for personality, I won't know what I am looking for until I find it.
We have all been asked this question. And, we all know that there are two parts to this question: appearance and personality. While the answers to the appearance part may be quite diverse, I feel like we all answer the personality question the same way. It's usually something like, "He has to be smart, nice, and funny..." etc. I mean, what else can we say? "Oh I like myself someone really mean, creepy, boring, and stupid." I don't think so.
Then, almost everyone answers using the same three or four adjectives. However, that is too general. No one is just "smart, nice, and funny." If that were the case, then no one would end up dating the jerks that we all know so many of our friends to do. To answer the "personality" question, it would be better to use more specific adjectives. But, if we do that, then there are too many choices to choose from. Why? Because people are not storybook characters. We are complex beings living our lives, constantly being faced with different experiences, and constantly being shaped by those experiences. As a result, there are so many personality traits that a person may have, there is an almost infinite amount of choices to choose from, and sometimes almost and infinite amount of personality traits that a person may carry.
Today, someone asked me that question. "What kind of person do you like?" I was able to answer the appearance part. As for the personality part, I said, "If I knew that, don't you think I would have a boyfriend already?" I was a little shocked with myself for saying this, but I guess this is true. I know what I like when it comes to appearances, and there have been plenty of guys that fit the description. And most of them were nice, smart, and funny. So why aren't I dating any of them? I don't know the exact answer, all I know is that I just was/am not interested. There must be some personality trait that I am looking for that they lack. Or maybe they have a trait that I don't like. So, I guess all I can say is, as for personality, I won't know what I am looking for until I find it.
Brain Fart 12: Why God?
"Why are you a Christian?"
When I read this on my FormSpring, I didn't really know what to say. It felt like a really loaded question. Were they asking for my spiritual life's story? Did they want to know which facts lead me to believe that God and Jesus are real? What kind of answer were they looking for? I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "Because it is what I believe." But, I felt bad, because I was fairly certain that whoever asked me this question was looking for a more elaborate answer. I'm still not sure what it is that they want to know, but hopefully what I write here holds the answer that he/she was looking for. To that person, this is for you.
I have been labeled as a Christian for as long as I can remember. When I was a small child, I went to church with my parents. However, some things happened, and I found myself going between two churches. Because of this, I was never really able to get close to any of the other children in Sunday school. Church became something of a painful experience for me. I gave up on going to church, but remained going to an annual summer church camp, called Youth Camp. That was where my true faith began. As a result of God's love, shown through the sermons of certain guest speakers, I realized that my "faith" from my childhood was nothing but words, and that my true faith had begun. I truly loved God, and the grace and love that He was constantly showing me. I started going to church again, a little at a time. In my senior year of high school, I got baptized. It took me a long time to decide to do so, because I was afraid that I was not worthy enough to be baptized. I refused to get baptized until I realized that a baptism was merely the confession of my love for God, and in no way meant that I was claiming myself to by perfect, because that will never be.
After high school, my next big miracle was finding the Asian American Christian Fellowship (AACF) in UC Davis. AACF was such a blessing to me. I was able to build a much stronger foundation for my faith through this group of amazing people. However, that does not mean that I'm not still struggling with my faith. Being a Christian is hard work. There are certain things a Christian should do (pray, read the Bible, do daily devotions, etc.) that I was never really raised to do. It takes a lot of discipline to keep up with all of these things, discipline which I am still struggling to make myself gain. Then, there are the things that a Christian should NOT do (lie, cheat, gossip, etc.), that I have a hard time letting go of. Trying to do all this, it is like an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes, when I feel like I have it right, I feel so great, and so blessed. But when I mess up, I feel like I'm far from God, and I feel so low.
So why am I a Christian? Why God? Why do I put myself through that emotional rollercoaster? Simply, because I love God. I love Him for all that He does for me. When my love for Him isn't even a fraction of how much He loves me, He showers me with His love and grace. He even sent down His one and only son, as innocent as a lamb, to be killed under the weight of my sins, the sins of my past, and the ones that I have yet to commit, all so that I may live. Because of His love for me, I wish to love and glorify Him as much as I can. Although I will never be as perfect, I wish to use Jesus as a role model, to live my life loving and gloryifing Him, and shedding light to others so that they may love Him, too.
I'm sorry if my answer is not the answer you were looking for. If what you were looking for are the facts that prove the existence of God and Jesus, I'm not sure if I can give you that answer. It would be best to ask a pastor. All I can tell you is that I believe it.
When I read this on my FormSpring, I didn't really know what to say. It felt like a really loaded question. Were they asking for my spiritual life's story? Did they want to know which facts lead me to believe that God and Jesus are real? What kind of answer were they looking for? I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "Because it is what I believe." But, I felt bad, because I was fairly certain that whoever asked me this question was looking for a more elaborate answer. I'm still not sure what it is that they want to know, but hopefully what I write here holds the answer that he/she was looking for. To that person, this is for you.
I have been labeled as a Christian for as long as I can remember. When I was a small child, I went to church with my parents. However, some things happened, and I found myself going between two churches. Because of this, I was never really able to get close to any of the other children in Sunday school. Church became something of a painful experience for me. I gave up on going to church, but remained going to an annual summer church camp, called Youth Camp. That was where my true faith began. As a result of God's love, shown through the sermons of certain guest speakers, I realized that my "faith" from my childhood was nothing but words, and that my true faith had begun. I truly loved God, and the grace and love that He was constantly showing me. I started going to church again, a little at a time. In my senior year of high school, I got baptized. It took me a long time to decide to do so, because I was afraid that I was not worthy enough to be baptized. I refused to get baptized until I realized that a baptism was merely the confession of my love for God, and in no way meant that I was claiming myself to by perfect, because that will never be.
After high school, my next big miracle was finding the Asian American Christian Fellowship (AACF) in UC Davis. AACF was such a blessing to me. I was able to build a much stronger foundation for my faith through this group of amazing people. However, that does not mean that I'm not still struggling with my faith. Being a Christian is hard work. There are certain things a Christian should do (pray, read the Bible, do daily devotions, etc.) that I was never really raised to do. It takes a lot of discipline to keep up with all of these things, discipline which I am still struggling to make myself gain. Then, there are the things that a Christian should NOT do (lie, cheat, gossip, etc.), that I have a hard time letting go of. Trying to do all this, it is like an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes, when I feel like I have it right, I feel so great, and so blessed. But when I mess up, I feel like I'm far from God, and I feel so low.
So why am I a Christian? Why God? Why do I put myself through that emotional rollercoaster? Simply, because I love God. I love Him for all that He does for me. When my love for Him isn't even a fraction of how much He loves me, He showers me with His love and grace. He even sent down His one and only son, as innocent as a lamb, to be killed under the weight of my sins, the sins of my past, and the ones that I have yet to commit, all so that I may live. Because of His love for me, I wish to love and glorify Him as much as I can. Although I will never be as perfect, I wish to use Jesus as a role model, to live my life loving and gloryifing Him, and shedding light to others so that they may love Him, too.
I'm sorry if my answer is not the answer you were looking for. If what you were looking for are the facts that prove the existence of God and Jesus, I'm not sure if I can give you that answer. It would be best to ask a pastor. All I can tell you is that I believe it.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Brain Fart 11: Because I Care
Today was a long day. I had back to back language classes in the morning, and dance practice until late. I come home to relax. I am watching an asian drama to help myself unwind from the long day before heading into homework. Then, Glory** comes home. She's pissed. She goes to her room, changes into running clothes, and promptly leaves again. I know what's going on. Glasses** upset her again. I called him up to ask what happened, and it's more or less more of the same. It's been the same crap for the past Idon'tevenknowhowlong. I'm a little worried that Glory is out running so late, but I trust that she'll be okay. I wait for her to come home. When she comes through the door, we start. She tells me what happened, which is basically everything that has been going on. I'm on my computer at the same time doing homework, hoping to multitask and to not have to stay up too late. At this point in time, I don't really know how to help her anymore. I'm trying to give her advice, but she turns it all down, saying it's useless. And then, she mumbles loud enough for me to hear, "It's not like you care..."
What the crap. I've been with her through the whole fricking time she's liked this stupid boy. I've had countless conversations with her, trying to help her out. I've talked to Glasses to try to get them to cooperate with each other. I've ran around in the rain at night looking for her to make sure she was okay. I stood in between her and Glasses, in the cold, as I got them to finally be honest with each other. How could she possibly say that I don't care?? I know that she was probably just in a bad mood, and took it out on me, but honestly, it ticked me off. It made me not want to talk to her, but I still made the effort to hear her out, and let her talk out her feelings, because I care.
She's not even the only one who has done this. There have been other times when people have accused me of not caring about them and their problems. I find it a bit amusing that they usually accuse me of this during the time when I am trying to be there for them. I realize it's not all their fault, though. Sometimes, I may not respond too often. However, this is because...well, simply...sometimes I just don't know how to respond. I've had very limited experiences in this life I have lived so far. Sometimes, I'm at a loss at what to say, whether for advice, or for comfort. So, when I don't say anything, they usually jump at me saying that "I don't care."
I realize that they probably don't truly mean it. However, it still bothers me. I have problems of my own. So, here I am dealing with my own crap, trying to help them out with theirs, and listening to them accuse me of not caring about them. That makes me feel unappreciated and taken for granted, and that's not cool.
What the crap. I've been with her through the whole fricking time she's liked this stupid boy. I've had countless conversations with her, trying to help her out. I've talked to Glasses to try to get them to cooperate with each other. I've ran around in the rain at night looking for her to make sure she was okay. I stood in between her and Glasses, in the cold, as I got them to finally be honest with each other. How could she possibly say that I don't care?? I know that she was probably just in a bad mood, and took it out on me, but honestly, it ticked me off. It made me not want to talk to her, but I still made the effort to hear her out, and let her talk out her feelings, because I care.
She's not even the only one who has done this. There have been other times when people have accused me of not caring about them and their problems. I find it a bit amusing that they usually accuse me of this during the time when I am trying to be there for them. I realize it's not all their fault, though. Sometimes, I may not respond too often. However, this is because...well, simply...sometimes I just don't know how to respond. I've had very limited experiences in this life I have lived so far. Sometimes, I'm at a loss at what to say, whether for advice, or for comfort. So, when I don't say anything, they usually jump at me saying that "I don't care."
I realize that they probably don't truly mean it. However, it still bothers me. I have problems of my own. So, here I am dealing with my own crap, trying to help them out with theirs, and listening to them accuse me of not caring about them. That makes me feel unappreciated and taken for granted, and that's not cool.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Brain Fart 10: To An Honest Friend
"Honestly, that blog was about you," you told me. That blog that was titled "Honestly." You had this triumphant little smirk on your face, happy with yourself for being so clever, as you walked down the stairs without waiting for a respond, and as I stood there, torn.
It did not take too long to figure myself out. I used to like you. A lot. Enough to make me waiver when you told me, "I could totally see myself with you," a year and a half after our "talking" ended. But, even though I could also see myself being with you, and even making it work, it does not mean that I like you, and I don't. Which makes me wonder, do you like me? Or is it just because I care so much for you (as a friend), and because I make the effort to show you I give a damn? It would be better if that was the case, otherwise it would make me sad to have to tell you it won't work this time, and that your chance is over. Which would be really sad, because if you had told me just this past summer, I probably would have still had enough feelings for you to be able to reciprocate. But I don't anymore. I don't really know what kind of response you wanted. But this would be the one I'd give you.
But then, another blog is written. It's to your ex-girlfriend. It's about how it has been 3 years, and how she still has been on your mind everyday. I think, Well, It's a good thing I don't like you anymore, because that would have seriously hurt me." And it would have. I know this, because it has already happened to me before. While we were "talking." I liked you. You liked me. We had a thing going. But then, you would write these blogs about how this girl hurt you, but how you still love her, and how you still want her, and how you think about her everyday, and how no one has ever compared to her. Gee. Thanks. How did you think that made me feel? It seriously hurt me.
And, unless you get your act together, it will hurt the next girl you're with. And if you're not careful, it will hurt you, too. When you tell a girl you might want to be with her, and then blog about your ex, and how she's always on your mind, then that girl will be too hurt to want to be with you. Then, you'll be lonely.
I don't really know why I wrote all this. Maybe, I just wanted to let you know how hurt I was back then. Maybe, I want you to be good to the next girl. I don't want to see another girl in the same pain I was in. Maybe, I wanted to warn you, so that you may take care of yourself, and not dig yourself into a lonely grave. It's probably all of the above. Take care.
From,
An Equally Honest Friend
It did not take too long to figure myself out. I used to like you. A lot. Enough to make me waiver when you told me, "I could totally see myself with you," a year and a half after our "talking" ended. But, even though I could also see myself being with you, and even making it work, it does not mean that I like you, and I don't. Which makes me wonder, do you like me? Or is it just because I care so much for you (as a friend), and because I make the effort to show you I give a damn? It would be better if that was the case, otherwise it would make me sad to have to tell you it won't work this time, and that your chance is over. Which would be really sad, because if you had told me just this past summer, I probably would have still had enough feelings for you to be able to reciprocate. But I don't anymore. I don't really know what kind of response you wanted. But this would be the one I'd give you.
But then, another blog is written. It's to your ex-girlfriend. It's about how it has been 3 years, and how she still has been on your mind everyday. I think, Well, It's a good thing I don't like you anymore, because that would have seriously hurt me." And it would have. I know this, because it has already happened to me before. While we were "talking." I liked you. You liked me. We had a thing going. But then, you would write these blogs about how this girl hurt you, but how you still love her, and how you still want her, and how you think about her everyday, and how no one has ever compared to her. Gee. Thanks. How did you think that made me feel? It seriously hurt me.
And, unless you get your act together, it will hurt the next girl you're with. And if you're not careful, it will hurt you, too. When you tell a girl you might want to be with her, and then blog about your ex, and how she's always on your mind, then that girl will be too hurt to want to be with you. Then, you'll be lonely.
I don't really know why I wrote all this. Maybe, I just wanted to let you know how hurt I was back then. Maybe, I want you to be good to the next girl. I don't want to see another girl in the same pain I was in. Maybe, I wanted to warn you, so that you may take care of yourself, and not dig yourself into a lonely grave. It's probably all of the above. Take care.
From,
An Equally Honest Friend
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Brain Fart 9: One Ends, One Begins
At the end of last quarter, my favorite teacher from grade school died. On that very day, Starfish** told me that she was pregnant. I couldn't help but think, One ends, one begins.
How will this one end up?
Kaylani**, up until recently, had been stuck on Ghibli**. Finally, she found someone new. I couldn't help but think, One ends, one begins.
How will this one end up?
Today, Glory** finally had her hearts questions answered. Her love-interest headache was resolved. As of 2am today, mine are just beginning. I can't help but think, One ends, one begins.
How will this one end up?
Dear Heavenly Father,
You constantly remind us how You will take care of us. Even as one ends, you begin another for us. This, I'm not too sure how You want it to end. I'm not sure how I want it to end. Please, just help me keep faith that You will take care of me. Just how You give our weather a happy ending, whether it be sun or rainbow, You will provide me with a happy ending. Thank You, Lord.
Amen.
**Not their real name
How will this one end up?
Kaylani**, up until recently, had been stuck on Ghibli**. Finally, she found someone new. I couldn't help but think, One ends, one begins.
How will this one end up?
Today, Glory** finally had her hearts questions answered. Her love-interest headache was resolved. As of 2am today, mine are just beginning. I can't help but think, One ends, one begins.
How will this one end up?
Dear Heavenly Father,
You constantly remind us how You will take care of us. Even as one ends, you begin another for us. This, I'm not too sure how You want it to end. I'm not sure how I want it to end. Please, just help me keep faith that You will take care of me. Just how You give our weather a happy ending, whether it be sun or rainbow, You will provide me with a happy ending. Thank You, Lord.
Amen.
**Not their real name
Monday, February 8, 2010
Brain Fart 8: Chillaxxxxx
I kind of hate it when people tell me to "chill out." I feel like that just makes me more upset.
It happens every so often. I usually am only a little worked up, or upset, at the time someone tells me to relax/chill/chillax. But, I am a fast talker by nature. So when I get the slightest bit excited, upset, etc, I start talking even faster. I guess people take that as me freaking out. So they tell me to "chillax," which then usually just gets me more riled up, because I'm like, "I'M NOT FREAKING OUT!" hahahahaha yea. I bet I look SO CHILLAXED when I do that. But it's annoying. There's a reason why I'm upset. And it annoys me when someone tries to belittle that. It's like they're saying, "it's no biggie." Well, what if it is to me? And that's when my "worked up" starts shifting to "freaking out," which isn't fair, because it's like that person caused the effect that they were already accusing me of. So, then, it looks like I was freaking out from the beginning, and makes me look like some cry-baby when I get even more upset.
Too bad that while I reread this blog, it sounds like I need to chillax. Boo.
ahhh darn loops =[
It happens every so often. I usually am only a little worked up, or upset, at the time someone tells me to relax/chill/chillax. But, I am a fast talker by nature. So when I get the slightest bit excited, upset, etc, I start talking even faster. I guess people take that as me freaking out. So they tell me to "chillax," which then usually just gets me more riled up, because I'm like, "I'M NOT FREAKING OUT!" hahahahaha yea. I bet I look SO CHILLAXED when I do that. But it's annoying. There's a reason why I'm upset. And it annoys me when someone tries to belittle that. It's like they're saying, "it's no biggie." Well, what if it is to me? And that's when my "worked up" starts shifting to "freaking out," which isn't fair, because it's like that person caused the effect that they were already accusing me of. So, then, it looks like I was freaking out from the beginning, and makes me look like some cry-baby when I get even more upset.
Too bad that while I reread this blog, it sounds like I need to chillax. Boo.
ahhh darn loops =[
Brain Fart 7: All Glory and Glasses to God
Yes, that title didn't really make sense. This blog might not make too much sense, either.
These are some things I have learned while failingly trying not to be involved with these two friends of mine. My apartmentmate, Glory**, like this guy, Glasses**. She's liked him for about a year now. A lot of things happened. A lot. Basically, for the past month, gas has been leaking into this whole thing. For the past couple of weeks, sparks have been flying. And now, it has finally exploded. Tonight.
I get a call from Glasses. He tells me he had been talking to Glory, said some mean things, and she ran off. At night. In the rain. So he tells me he's gonna come pick me up so we can look for her. Just about a minute and a half later, Glory calls. She is hysterical. Telling me how much she hates him, while not telling me where she is. As she's going off, Glasses arrives, and pulls me out the door with him. He's so ashamed at what he said, he can't even tell me. So as we drive to the name of the street Glory told me she was on as I was hanging up, all was quiet. During that time, the events of the past few weeks run through my mind.
Among those events, I remember the talk I had with Glory just a couple of weeks ago. It's the same thing I told Glasses a few days after. This is what I said.
You know that show, Fear Factor? I was watching it once, where each contestant had needles of different widths stuck in their arms. This imagery seemed to work with their situation. Glasses stuck a needle in Glory's arm. That is when she started liking him, with him not liking her back. This is when he found out she liked him, and decided to not say anything, because he was too scared. This is when her life started going slightly downhill. Now, the needle is in her arm. The base on one side, the point sticking out of the other side. 3 things can happen.
1, Glory and Glasses can cut off their friendship, pretend it never happened. That would be as though Glasses pulled the needle back out from the base. It may not hurt as the other choices, and they might have healed faster, but there would be no satisfaction or closure, because they didn't do what they needed to do, but took the easy way out. And the game, their friendship, would be over.
2, which is what Glasses should have done from the beginning, is to finish it. Tell her he wasn't interested, tell her the complete truth, and be done with it. This would be as though Glasses pulled the needle all the way through. The pain would be big, and the wound might heal slower. However, the pain would eventually go away, and they could leave as the winners, with each other's friendship intact.
3, which is what Glasses had been doing, was leaving things at a standstill. He knew that sticking the needle in Glory's arm had hurt her. Thinking about how much pain he brought her, and thinking about how bad a person he was for putting her through that pain, he didn't want to hurt her anymore, and decided to leave her be, thinking it would be better for her. Too bad he forgot that the needle was still in her arm. She was waiting for him to take it out. Sure, it would hurt her more to remove the needle, but leaving it in there also causes pain. The longer the needle stayed in her arm, the more it hurt. And the worst part was that it wouldn't heal. Because the needle was still there. There was no closure.
Glasses parks the car on the street that Glory had told me she had walked to. We split up. Glasses is the one to find her, but instead of facing her, calls me back to talk to her. This reminded me what Glory had told me of their first conversation about their whole situation.
Glasses had worn a beanie over his glasses while Glory covered her eyes with her hands. They always did that. They refused to acknowledge what was going on. They would never tell each other the straight up truth. They always hide things, usually their whole, true feelings, while hiding behind something: hands, beanies, pretty, pseudo-intellectual words, etc. They so severely lacked the communication every true friendship requires.
I get to Glory. One minute, she’s ranting about how angry she was at what Glasses had told her, and the next, she’s ranting about how she hates how Glasses can’t accept grace. She says she hates him, but we all know that’s not true. If she hated him, she wouldn’t get so upset at the things he said, especially about his own well-being.
Before, Glasses had told me he’s been saying things to her meaner than he truly feels because he wants her to hate him. He thinks it would be better for Glory to hate him, forget about him.
These two are so dumb. They say they want the other to go away, when they care about each other so f***ing much. I’ve told them both before that they need to be completely honest to each other, say exactly what is on their minds. To each other. So, as Glory looks at me with searching, pleading eyes, I see Glasses down the street, just standing in the cold, waiting. I look at Glory, crying because she cares so much about Glasses. I look to Glasses, who had literally pulled me out of my own apartment for worrying about Glory.
“GLASSES GET OVER HERE!” I yell, and start walking towards him. “Glory, come with me.” She follows. We meet in the middle. They meet in the middle. I put them in the one position they seem to fear the most: facing each other, eye to eye. I start them off by asking them questions they have to answer in front of each other. After a while, I leave them by themselves, so they have to talk to each other, and not to me. I can only take them so far. It’s their friendship. They can do whatever they want, as long as it is what they truly want.
The lessons that I learned from this, I myself know what they are, but I don’t really know how to word it. But, I think you’ll get it, too.
Oh. One last thing. You’re probably wondering, “so…why is God in the title?” right? Usually, I am really busy with dance, school, homework, or whatever. Today, I had nothing. I had a lot of free time. It felt so weird. I was like, “How? Why?” Well, I think God planned it this way, so that I was around when this all went down. Thank you, God =]
** Not their real names
These are some things I have learned while failingly trying not to be involved with these two friends of mine. My apartmentmate, Glory**, like this guy, Glasses**. She's liked him for about a year now. A lot of things happened. A lot. Basically, for the past month, gas has been leaking into this whole thing. For the past couple of weeks, sparks have been flying. And now, it has finally exploded. Tonight.
I get a call from Glasses. He tells me he had been talking to Glory, said some mean things, and she ran off. At night. In the rain. So he tells me he's gonna come pick me up so we can look for her. Just about a minute and a half later, Glory calls. She is hysterical. Telling me how much she hates him, while not telling me where she is. As she's going off, Glasses arrives, and pulls me out the door with him. He's so ashamed at what he said, he can't even tell me. So as we drive to the name of the street Glory told me she was on as I was hanging up, all was quiet. During that time, the events of the past few weeks run through my mind.
Among those events, I remember the talk I had with Glory just a couple of weeks ago. It's the same thing I told Glasses a few days after. This is what I said.
You know that show, Fear Factor? I was watching it once, where each contestant had needles of different widths stuck in their arms. This imagery seemed to work with their situation. Glasses stuck a needle in Glory's arm. That is when she started liking him, with him not liking her back. This is when he found out she liked him, and decided to not say anything, because he was too scared. This is when her life started going slightly downhill. Now, the needle is in her arm. The base on one side, the point sticking out of the other side. 3 things can happen.
1, Glory and Glasses can cut off their friendship, pretend it never happened. That would be as though Glasses pulled the needle back out from the base. It may not hurt as the other choices, and they might have healed faster, but there would be no satisfaction or closure, because they didn't do what they needed to do, but took the easy way out. And the game, their friendship, would be over.
2, which is what Glasses should have done from the beginning, is to finish it. Tell her he wasn't interested, tell her the complete truth, and be done with it. This would be as though Glasses pulled the needle all the way through. The pain would be big, and the wound might heal slower. However, the pain would eventually go away, and they could leave as the winners, with each other's friendship intact.
3, which is what Glasses had been doing, was leaving things at a standstill. He knew that sticking the needle in Glory's arm had hurt her. Thinking about how much pain he brought her, and thinking about how bad a person he was for putting her through that pain, he didn't want to hurt her anymore, and decided to leave her be, thinking it would be better for her. Too bad he forgot that the needle was still in her arm. She was waiting for him to take it out. Sure, it would hurt her more to remove the needle, but leaving it in there also causes pain. The longer the needle stayed in her arm, the more it hurt. And the worst part was that it wouldn't heal. Because the needle was still there. There was no closure.
Glasses parks the car on the street that Glory had told me she had walked to. We split up. Glasses is the one to find her, but instead of facing her, calls me back to talk to her. This reminded me what Glory had told me of their first conversation about their whole situation.
Glasses had worn a beanie over his glasses while Glory covered her eyes with her hands. They always did that. They refused to acknowledge what was going on. They would never tell each other the straight up truth. They always hide things, usually their whole, true feelings, while hiding behind something: hands, beanies, pretty, pseudo-intellectual words, etc. They so severely lacked the communication every true friendship requires.
I get to Glory. One minute, she’s ranting about how angry she was at what Glasses had told her, and the next, she’s ranting about how she hates how Glasses can’t accept grace. She says she hates him, but we all know that’s not true. If she hated him, she wouldn’t get so upset at the things he said, especially about his own well-being.
Before, Glasses had told me he’s been saying things to her meaner than he truly feels because he wants her to hate him. He thinks it would be better for Glory to hate him, forget about him.
These two are so dumb. They say they want the other to go away, when they care about each other so f***ing much. I’ve told them both before that they need to be completely honest to each other, say exactly what is on their minds. To each other. So, as Glory looks at me with searching, pleading eyes, I see Glasses down the street, just standing in the cold, waiting. I look at Glory, crying because she cares so much about Glasses. I look to Glasses, who had literally pulled me out of my own apartment for worrying about Glory.
“GLASSES GET OVER HERE!” I yell, and start walking towards him. “Glory, come with me.” She follows. We meet in the middle. They meet in the middle. I put them in the one position they seem to fear the most: facing each other, eye to eye. I start them off by asking them questions they have to answer in front of each other. After a while, I leave them by themselves, so they have to talk to each other, and not to me. I can only take them so far. It’s their friendship. They can do whatever they want, as long as it is what they truly want.
The lessons that I learned from this, I myself know what they are, but I don’t really know how to word it. But, I think you’ll get it, too.
Oh. One last thing. You’re probably wondering, “so…why is God in the title?” right? Usually, I am really busy with dance, school, homework, or whatever. Today, I had nothing. I had a lot of free time. It felt so weird. I was like, “How? Why?” Well, I think God planned it this way, so that I was around when this all went down. Thank you, God =]
** Not their real names
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Brain Fart 6: A for Effort! No, really.
**Testimony of Winter Retreat 2010**
Why am I here? Why am I doing this? I’m too tired. I’m too busy. I don't feel like it. This is how I think oftentimes when it comes to anything about my faith – reading the Bible, going to church, praying, testimonies… These thoughts then turn to, Maybe I won’t do it right now. I can do it later. I can do it next time. You would think that I would feel guilty about skipping out on doing these types of things for my faith. And I did. But, I would then comfort myself by telling myself, Well, if you do this when you don’t want to, then it’s not from the heart, and that would just be going through the motion. God doesn’t want THAT. But then, all of a sudden, I realize that I haven’t done anything for the past six months, and that I have moved much farther away from God than I thought I had. Even at these times, im still saying the same excuses. well, I would have done my quiet times/gone to church/prayed, but I didn’t feel like it. God doesn’t want us to do these things without a willing heart. But, after retreat, I learned, through Pastor Jason, and through a bit of my own inner searching, that although God may not want an unwilling heart, he still appreciates the effort.
Pastor Jason talked about two main things: thirsting and struggling. At first, I thought that you had to thirst in order to struggle. You had to want Jesus before you could fight for Him. But, I have since learned that it works both ways. One of the games we played taught me this. It was called “Amazon Women.” (I think?) Basically, guys all linked up together while the girls tried to pull them apart within 15 minutes. It basically turned into a huge wrestling thing. Everyone ended up on the floor, there was pulling, pushing, head-butting, and even the occasional biting. It was long, and it was vicious. I personally targeted this group of around 5 or 6 guys. I stuck with that group the entire game. Disappointingly, there were still two guys at the end that I hadn’t been able to pull apart. I was proud of myself for not giving up the whole entire time, but I was just SO frustrated that I didn’t win.
Then, I realized, “wait. When did I start caring?” In the beginning, I didn’t really care. It was just another game we play at retreat. But, when I started, when I put myself in there and got involved in that long battle, and started struggling, that’s when I started caring, which kept me going. It surprised me that I didn’t start with caring, but with struggling. I guess, that’s how my faith is. I may not start my walk with Jesus by caring too much. It was mostly going through the motions, it was just for fun (seeing my friends at church, playing dodgeball, getting ice cream afterwards, etc). I know it sounds bad, but I think that’s how it happened for me. As just a motion, or maybe just for fun. But, I think God saw me there anyways, and He starts lighting a fire within me, my faith. Then, I started caring about my relationship with God, rather than just going through the motions. Of course, things slow me down. School, friends, work, life. Then, my relationship with God started turning back into simply motions. This is the part when I say, “God doesn’t want an unwilling heart,” and decided to skip out on church for the umpteenth time.
But.
He still wanted me to struggle, wrestle for Him. Like in the game, I struggled. I wrestled. For a long time. There were times when I asked myself, “why am I still trying? Isn’t there something better/more fun/easier to do than this?” I could have given up. Just said, “ok whatever you guys win.” But because I struggled, God gave me a passion to keep struggling even further, until the end of the 15 minutes. Well, God instilled the same passion on my relationship with Jesus. Because I struggled. I read the Bible. I sang worship songs. I prayed. And, I went to retreat. And at retreat, as pastor Jason introduced the topic of struggling, he told us the story of when Jacob wrestled God. God came to him, and wrestled him. Jacob didn’t know who He was, but he kept struggling throughout the entire night. At the end, Jacob knew it was God, and left feeling all the closer with Him. This is what happened with me, what is still happening to me. I didn’t really know God, but I went through the motions. I struggled. And I didn’t give up. And in the end, I came out with what I’d been looking for: my passion for God, my thirst.
Why am I here? Why am I doing this? I’m too tired. I’m too busy. I don't feel like it. This is how I think oftentimes when it comes to anything about my faith – reading the Bible, going to church, praying, testimonies… These thoughts then turn to, Maybe I won’t do it right now. I can do it later. I can do it next time. You would think that I would feel guilty about skipping out on doing these types of things for my faith. And I did. But, I would then comfort myself by telling myself, Well, if you do this when you don’t want to, then it’s not from the heart, and that would just be going through the motion. God doesn’t want THAT. But then, all of a sudden, I realize that I haven’t done anything for the past six months, and that I have moved much farther away from God than I thought I had. Even at these times, im still saying the same excuses. well, I would have done my quiet times/gone to church/prayed, but I didn’t feel like it. God doesn’t want us to do these things without a willing heart. But, after retreat, I learned, through Pastor Jason, and through a bit of my own inner searching, that although God may not want an unwilling heart, he still appreciates the effort.
Pastor Jason talked about two main things: thirsting and struggling. At first, I thought that you had to thirst in order to struggle. You had to want Jesus before you could fight for Him. But, I have since learned that it works both ways. One of the games we played taught me this. It was called “Amazon Women.” (I think?) Basically, guys all linked up together while the girls tried to pull them apart within 15 minutes. It basically turned into a huge wrestling thing. Everyone ended up on the floor, there was pulling, pushing, head-butting, and even the occasional biting. It was long, and it was vicious. I personally targeted this group of around 5 or 6 guys. I stuck with that group the entire game. Disappointingly, there were still two guys at the end that I hadn’t been able to pull apart. I was proud of myself for not giving up the whole entire time, but I was just SO frustrated that I didn’t win.
Then, I realized, “wait. When did I start caring?” In the beginning, I didn’t really care. It was just another game we play at retreat. But, when I started, when I put myself in there and got involved in that long battle, and started struggling, that’s when I started caring, which kept me going. It surprised me that I didn’t start with caring, but with struggling. I guess, that’s how my faith is. I may not start my walk with Jesus by caring too much. It was mostly going through the motions, it was just for fun (seeing my friends at church, playing dodgeball, getting ice cream afterwards, etc). I know it sounds bad, but I think that’s how it happened for me. As just a motion, or maybe just for fun. But, I think God saw me there anyways, and He starts lighting a fire within me, my faith. Then, I started caring about my relationship with God, rather than just going through the motions. Of course, things slow me down. School, friends, work, life. Then, my relationship with God started turning back into simply motions. This is the part when I say, “God doesn’t want an unwilling heart,” and decided to skip out on church for the umpteenth time.
But.
He still wanted me to struggle, wrestle for Him. Like in the game, I struggled. I wrestled. For a long time. There were times when I asked myself, “why am I still trying? Isn’t there something better/more fun/easier to do than this?” I could have given up. Just said, “ok whatever you guys win.” But because I struggled, God gave me a passion to keep struggling even further, until the end of the 15 minutes. Well, God instilled the same passion on my relationship with Jesus. Because I struggled. I read the Bible. I sang worship songs. I prayed. And, I went to retreat. And at retreat, as pastor Jason introduced the topic of struggling, he told us the story of when Jacob wrestled God. God came to him, and wrestled him. Jacob didn’t know who He was, but he kept struggling throughout the entire night. At the end, Jacob knew it was God, and left feeling all the closer with Him. This is what happened with me, what is still happening to me. I didn’t really know God, but I went through the motions. I struggled. And I didn’t give up. And in the end, I came out with what I’d been looking for: my passion for God, my thirst.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Brain Fart 5: My Idea of a True Friend
**Originally written for my UWP 1 class blog**
Everyone has different ideas about what a "true" friend is. Is it someone who is always there for you? Is it someone who knows you backward and forward? Is it someone who you trust beyond all others? What is a "true" friend?
I was chatting with one of my closest, truest friend today. I was talking with him about his troubles, and I was having a very hard time with it. I just kept thinking, "Why can't I understand? I don't understand him, he is so...complicated!" At that moment, I made a realization. The only people I ever think are complicated or complex are people who I'm really close with, my "true" friends. "Well, that doesn't make sense," I thought to myself, "why is it the that the people most complicated to me are my closest friends? It should be the other way around!" But...maybe not.
We, as individuals, know that we ourselves are very complex creatures. We know our own life's story. We know what experiences we have been through, and how they have shaped our thought processes and personalities. Because so many things happen in life, these experiences create very complex personalities and thought processes. And, very often, we hide many of these complexities. We're embarrassed by them, are too hurt to share them, and/or think they won't accept them. In a way, it's very much like wearing clothes. We wear clothes to hide parts of ourselves that we're not sure we want other people to see, because we don't trust them to be able to handle our complexities. However, sometimes we find those true friends that we can shed our metaphorical clothes in front of and say, "Here I am, all of me," and trust them to accept us anyways.
However, we tend to forget that other people, our friends, are just like us--real people with real life experiences. We see them, and say, "Okay, that's them. That's all there is to see." We forget that these friends of ours are just like us, complexities included. However, we become closer and closer, until reaching "true" friend status, where we both start to trust each other enough to show our full "naked" selves. Then we start to realize that, yes, they also have lives. They have been living lives just like we have, have had experiences just as we have, been hurt and gone through hardships just as we have, and have been having their thought processes be shaped according to those unique experiences. Then, these life experience-shaped thought processes start leaking into our conversations, and we start seeing them as complex beings, just like ourselves. We may not always fully understand them, because their experiences are different from ours. However, if they are "true friends," you learn to accept that anyways, just as they learn to accept you, too, complexities and all.
So, I think "true" friends are the people that you acknowledge as actual, living people. You acknowledge that they have been living complex lives, just like you, and you accept them anyways (and vice versa), complexities and all.
Everyone has different ideas about what a "true" friend is. Is it someone who is always there for you? Is it someone who knows you backward and forward? Is it someone who you trust beyond all others? What is a "true" friend?
I was chatting with one of my closest, truest friend today. I was talking with him about his troubles, and I was having a very hard time with it. I just kept thinking, "Why can't I understand? I don't understand him, he is so...complicated!" At that moment, I made a realization. The only people I ever think are complicated or complex are people who I'm really close with, my "true" friends. "Well, that doesn't make sense," I thought to myself, "why is it the that the people most complicated to me are my closest friends? It should be the other way around!" But...maybe not.
We, as individuals, know that we ourselves are very complex creatures. We know our own life's story. We know what experiences we have been through, and how they have shaped our thought processes and personalities. Because so many things happen in life, these experiences create very complex personalities and thought processes. And, very often, we hide many of these complexities. We're embarrassed by them, are too hurt to share them, and/or think they won't accept them. In a way, it's very much like wearing clothes. We wear clothes to hide parts of ourselves that we're not sure we want other people to see, because we don't trust them to be able to handle our complexities. However, sometimes we find those true friends that we can shed our metaphorical clothes in front of and say, "Here I am, all of me," and trust them to accept us anyways.
However, we tend to forget that other people, our friends, are just like us--real people with real life experiences. We see them, and say, "Okay, that's them. That's all there is to see." We forget that these friends of ours are just like us, complexities included. However, we become closer and closer, until reaching "true" friend status, where we both start to trust each other enough to show our full "naked" selves. Then we start to realize that, yes, they also have lives. They have been living lives just like we have, have had experiences just as we have, been hurt and gone through hardships just as we have, and have been having their thought processes be shaped according to those unique experiences. Then, these life experience-shaped thought processes start leaking into our conversations, and we start seeing them as complex beings, just like ourselves. We may not always fully understand them, because their experiences are different from ours. However, if they are "true friends," you learn to accept that anyways, just as they learn to accept you, too, complexities and all.
So, I think "true" friends are the people that you acknowledge as actual, living people. You acknowledge that they have been living complex lives, just like you, and you accept them anyways (and vice versa), complexities and all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
