Brain Fart 15: My Delicate Side

I'm baack!!
Sorry I was away for so long. The excuse in my head is that I had nothing to write about. That's a lie. Of course I have things on my mind, I think too much!! The real reason is because I know my family has started reading my blog. I just realized this, but I have a real hard time opening up to them. It's not their fault. They have never given me any reason to feel like I cannot open myself up, and be myself, towards them. Ever.

Ok, well maybe there was something. I mean, there was that time I made a fool of myself in Disneyland, and they laughed at me. That made me cry. But that was a long time ago!! Oh. But then, there's also the fact that we seem to have a "always be strong" family motto. People get teased for being "delicate" or "sensitive" or "corny." So, I guess that kinda scared me into being "strong" as a kid. But, like I said, it's not their fault that I cannot completely open myself to them. My sister does. All the time.

The real problem lies with my own self-made rule that I cannot be weak. I think I hate to see people pity me. For example, when plans I had made with friends got cancelled by the other party, I would always make some bs lie about it to my parents, maybe that I didn't feel like going out, or that I had never made plans, just so they wouldn't feel bad for me. Then, one time, when I was on a church retreat, I went boulder-hopping with some friends. Basically, boulder-hopping is my worst nightmare: heights, climbing, and spiders. So, you guessed it, I had an almost-meltdown. I had reached my limit, and I was about to cry. My friend, Glory** (not their real name), tried to comfort me. That made it worse. I started freaking out, telling, begging her not to comfort me. I did NOT want to cry in front of them. In the end, I even had to yell at her to stop talking, sit on my own boulder facing away from everyone, and just calm myself. (btw, sorry for yelling you at that time, Glory!)

I guess, I just really hate to see my own weakness. I feel like, if I see it, I admit my own defeat. I don't want to do that. Somehow, I feel like if I can just trick everyone to think I'm fine, then I can trick myself, and I can save some dignity. But, if they see it, then they pity me, and I feel like I'm a failure. Yeah. I know it's stupid. But that's what it is. That's why I was so...cautious when I found out my family read my blogs. But...no more. It's time for me to grow up a little, and start realizing that, sometimes, life hurts me, and it's ok to show that.