I love New Life Church, which is where I go when I'm in Fairfield. Mom discovered it quite a few years ago, but I only just started to go on a somewhat regular basis ("somewhat" because I'm regular only when I'm in Fairfield) just this year. However, I've gone enough to realize something: I do not feel completely comfortable going to church with Mom, Lindsay, and probably Dad if he went to church. Errrr if any of you are reading this (and you probably ALL are), please don't take it the wrong way. It's totally not because of you.
I know I've said this before, so I think we all know by now that I just do not like to be vulnerable in front of my family, and I think that applies to this, too. Back when I was younger, before college, I had no problem going to church with my family. It was just like hanging out with family friends. Sing songs, pray (or sleep while everyone else prayed), listen to some guy talk (or sleep while everyone else listened to some guy talk), play dodgeball, etc, etc, whatever.
Then I got to college. I totally thought I was just gonna party it up, drink, live the college life. Then, I was brought to AACF. Changed. My. Life. I mean, sure, Youth Camp brought me to acknowledge Jesus as my savior, and I took the first few steps into my faith. But AACF is where I made my relationship with God personal. That is when I started going to church on a regular basis of my own accord. I even attempted doing devotions everyday (that failed back then, but I'm now attempting to stay regular at that, too). And it wasn't just my practices that changed. My whole mindset in a Christian setting changed. I started to actually try to make things personal between God and me. I started to try to open myself up, and make myself vulnerable to God's power and love.
I am still that way now. But, I have realized that it is much harder to let myself be like that when my family is around. For example, I can not really get into singing worship songs without feeling self-conscious around them. It is so stupid of me. Why should I get embarrassed about my love for God? Why should I let that stop me from worshiping God? But, because of this, I have started to intentionally go to church at a different time from the rest of the family. It feels wrong that I go separate from the family, but I also feel like it would be wrong to not give my all to God, which is what happens when I go with Mom and Lindsay.
Unfortunately, simply acknowledging this problem won't make it any better. So, for now, I might keep going to church at a separate time from the rest of the family. Or maybe I'll just suck it up, go to church with everyone, and slowly get used to it? I don't even know...
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Brain Fart 22: Games
I love games. Board games, video games, card games, weird Christian-made games, run-around-in-fields-like-fools games, all of them. However, there a certain kind of game that I have always hated. That would be the "relationship games". You know, like "hard to get," or "pretend to be into someone else to see if he will get jealous" types of games. I think those are pretty immature, and are disasters waiting to happen. Too bad I kind of play those games, too.
The game I play is "give them my attention then take it away." This is how it goes:
When I first become interested, I initiate IM conversations every chance I get. Then, after a while, I stop IMing them. After that, I leave it up to them to IM me. I do this to see if they care enough to notice that I'm gone, if I left a big enough impression on them to make them notice my absence.
Yeah, it's pretty immature. I hate that I play those childish games. However, I realize that I don't do that necessarily with just guys I'm interested in. I apply it to a lot of other friendships in my life. It's not really about the game to me. It's more like... making sure I'm not investing in a relationship that the other party is not also investing in. You see, as most of you probably know by now, I have some serious issues with insecurity. Due to past events, I have problems with trusting that people won't leave me, or "drop" me (referring back to the "Toy Story of my Life" blog).
So, through the game, I see who cared enough about me to notice when I stopped IMing them. And even more, I see who missed me enough to IM me first. I figure, if they care that much, then they are also investing in our relationship (or friendship), and that I can trust that they won't so easily let go of it. Unfortunately, it's not really all that efficient, and it doesn't always work.
But who cares? It's just a game.
The game I play is "give them my attention then take it away." This is how it goes:
When I first become interested, I initiate IM conversations every chance I get. Then, after a while, I stop IMing them. After that, I leave it up to them to IM me. I do this to see if they care enough to notice that I'm gone, if I left a big enough impression on them to make them notice my absence.
Yeah, it's pretty immature. I hate that I play those childish games. However, I realize that I don't do that necessarily with just guys I'm interested in. I apply it to a lot of other friendships in my life. It's not really about the game to me. It's more like... making sure I'm not investing in a relationship that the other party is not also investing in. You see, as most of you probably know by now, I have some serious issues with insecurity. Due to past events, I have problems with trusting that people won't leave me, or "drop" me (referring back to the "Toy Story of my Life" blog).
So, through the game, I see who cared enough about me to notice when I stopped IMing them. And even more, I see who missed me enough to IM me first. I figure, if they care that much, then they are also investing in our relationship (or friendship), and that I can trust that they won't so easily let go of it. Unfortunately, it's not really all that efficient, and it doesn't always work.
But who cares? It's just a game.
Brain Fart 21: If I Had a Little White Box to Put My Jesus In
If I had a little white box to put my Jesus in
I'd take Him out and **kiss kiss kiss** and share Him with a friend.
And if I had a little black box to put the devil in
I'd take him out and SMASH HIS HEAD and put him back again.
hahahaha I love this song, it's so funny! It's one of the only Jesus songs I know where you can actually be violent! But that's not the point.
The point I'm thinking about is putting Jesus (or God) in a box. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of putting limits on who God is, what He thinks, or what He can do. Sometimes, I feel like people make God sound like such an uptight, narrow-minded stick in the mud. I hear sermons all the time about how we should or should not do this or that because "God says so." How do we know that? Sure, there's the Bible. It tells us a lot about God. A LOT. But who are we to say that that is all God has to say? I mean, just between the Old and New Testament, lots of things changed. We (or maybe it's just me) tend to see the Old Testament as the time of just rules, and punishments for not following those rules. Then we read the New Testament, which seems to throw the rulebook to the wind. People are forgiven of their sins, and all is happy and dandy and puppies rolling around in meadows. Things were so different, that people didn't believe that Jesus was God's son BECAUSE it was so different. They thought, "How could this possibly be God's son when he doesn't follow God's usual way of doing things at all?"
But God was there in ALL of it. From the stiff ways of the Old Testament to the loosey-goosey ways of the New Testament, God was there. Which shows us just how big God is. He is beyond our imagination. And yet, here we are, saying things like "God doesn't like this. He doesn't want that."Or, "God doesn't like gay people. He doesn't want them to get married. He wants us to stop them." ((Yeah, that's right, I just went there! I'm a "No on prop.8"-er all the way!))
Ya know, I totally had a lot more to say on this topic. I had things swimming in my head about how that mind-set of "putting God in a box" makes Christianity seem like it's no fun when it really is and stuff like that. However, I can't find a clever way to put that in here, and I'm too tired to try and work it in, so I'll just lay it out there and let you think about it for yourself =]
Bottom line: I don't like putting God in a box. He's too awesome for that. Ze END!!!!
I'd take Him out and **kiss kiss kiss** and share Him with a friend.
And if I had a little black box to put the devil in
I'd take him out and SMASH HIS HEAD and put him back again.
hahahaha I love this song, it's so funny! It's one of the only Jesus songs I know where you can actually be violent! But that's not the point.
The point I'm thinking about is putting Jesus (or God) in a box. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of putting limits on who God is, what He thinks, or what He can do. Sometimes, I feel like people make God sound like such an uptight, narrow-minded stick in the mud. I hear sermons all the time about how we should or should not do this or that because "God says so." How do we know that? Sure, there's the Bible. It tells us a lot about God. A LOT. But who are we to say that that is all God has to say? I mean, just between the Old and New Testament, lots of things changed. We (or maybe it's just me) tend to see the Old Testament as the time of just rules, and punishments for not following those rules. Then we read the New Testament, which seems to throw the rulebook to the wind. People are forgiven of their sins, and all is happy and dandy and puppies rolling around in meadows. Things were so different, that people didn't believe that Jesus was God's son BECAUSE it was so different. They thought, "How could this possibly be God's son when he doesn't follow God's usual way of doing things at all?"
But God was there in ALL of it. From the stiff ways of the Old Testament to the loosey-goosey ways of the New Testament, God was there. Which shows us just how big God is. He is beyond our imagination. And yet, here we are, saying things like "God doesn't like this. He doesn't want that."Or, "God doesn't like gay people. He doesn't want them to get married. He wants us to stop them." ((Yeah, that's right, I just went there! I'm a "No on prop.8"-er all the way!))
Ya know, I totally had a lot more to say on this topic. I had things swimming in my head about how that mind-set of "putting God in a box" makes Christianity seem like it's no fun when it really is and stuff like that. However, I can't find a clever way to put that in here, and I'm too tired to try and work it in, so I'll just lay it out there and let you think about it for yourself =]
Bottom line: I don't like putting God in a box. He's too awesome for that. Ze END!!!!
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