So, as you can see, I don't blog every one of my dreams, otherwise I should have a blog at least every other night. But this one was special. In that it was weird as heck.
Basically, it was a dream about a demon. And yes, I do believe in demons. I'm not sure what my beliefs are about demons, I just believe they exist. Anyways, in my dream, all I can remember is...
I was at my grandpa and grandma's (Goonggoong and Paupau) house. I could feel the demon's presence. Everyone starts freaking out. I grab something heavy enough to hurt when swung around. I don't remember what it was. It looked like a stick, but when i swung it, it felt like there was water in it. I can't see the demon itself, but I guess my vision would get distorted if my eyes were on it. So, I swung at the distorted parts of my vision. Then, the demon got smarter!! It made my vision everywhere go distorted! So, I swung everywhere. My family behind me were cheering me on, but I wondered why they weren't fighting with me...
The demon disappeared. I don't know where it went. We started cheering, because it was gone, but I felt uneasy since I knew I hadn't actually killed it. Then, I had some sort of premonition (I know, it just keeps getting weirder and weirder!!). I saw one of my friends, Mickey**, from high school who I haven't seen since graduation. Apparently, he's got a baby on the way. So my premonition was that he and the girl he got pregnant were getting attacked by the demon. I don't know how. It actually just looked like she was going in to labor, but I guess to my dream self, that's equivalent to getting attacked by a demon. I don't know Mickey's number or address, but I want to warn him. So, I call one of my closest friends from high school, Pandaxan, who goes to the same college as Mickey, and tell him to warn Mickey. After I hang up the phone, I wake up back at my home.
And the demon is at my house now. Poo. So, I'm panicking, grabbing another stick-but-filled-with-water type thing, and running to my parents' room to tell them. My mom just laughs, and says it'll be okay. But it won't! The demon is here!! Why doesn't she care about it, when she was also freaking out at GG and PP's house?? But I don't have time to worry about that. I'm scared. I can't fight the demon again if my mom isn't going to cheer me on. So I sit at the top of our staircase, and I pray.
Dear Heavenly Father, please keep all demons at a 200 mile radius away from my house. Please keep my family and I safe. Amen.
I open my eyes, and the demon is gone. But then, so is my mom. I wonder, where is she?...
I wake up, and my mom texts me a response to a text I sent her earlier that morning before I fell back asleep into that weird, intense dream.
Now, I'm off to be a counselor at the camp I spent 7 years at as a camper. Wish me luck!!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Brain Fart 19: Dream Diary 1
This one is inspired by my friend. He told me about how he writes down his dreams right after he wakes up, so he doesn't forget. I think that's a pretty good idea, especially since my dreams are CRAZYYYYY!
I know you're thinking "all dreams are crazy!" But no. Mine are REALLY crazy, often times disturbing. Here is some of them thus far...
~my cat died. as a rooster. and my dad ate her. as a nerds rope.
~my bath toys attacked me. then a giant toy troll tried to eat me.
~I ran from gangsters by driving numerous cars and motorcycles. and crashing them.
~my parents drove off a bridge, and it became a rollercoaster. then it crashed and i was hanging off the cliff. with only one hand.
~I was in a war, and an enemy soldier came in, and killed the general, leaving just him and me. We fought, I stabbed him through the back of the neck, and sliced his throat. I was about to turn him over to find id to tell his family when I woke up (I think it was triggered by reading "All Quiet on the Western Front" and "Letters from Iwo Jima")
~I was saying goodbye to my family the day before I knew I was going to go off and fight zombies alone. I somehow knew I was gonna die. This was REALLY sad.
~I was walking with my christian friends from church and fellowship. We were being persecuted, and people kept stepping on mines. And, yes, exploding. However, that didn't stop my friends from dancing around. I was scared for them, while thinking "they're idiots!!!". Sorry guys =[
Yeah. Crazy, right? And some quite disturbing, and some downright sad.
Anyways, here was the dream that I had during my nap this evening.
Lindsay and I were heading home from Davis, and we got reaaally lost. We were lost for hours, since it got dark. My dream spent a lot of time on me just feelings scared and hopeless. Then, we got found. Then, for some reason, everyone went to Tahoe without me and Dad. So, we were waiting for a bus (in Davis, still, for some reason). And....my neighbors were mutated monsters. The most distinct one I remember was a barf green monster whose legs had gotten amputated. That was creepy. Then, we were in Tahoe, and I was unpacking clothes. The pile never ended.
The end.
I know you're thinking "all dreams are crazy!" But no. Mine are REALLY crazy, often times disturbing. Here is some of them thus far...
~my cat died. as a rooster. and my dad ate her. as a nerds rope.
~my bath toys attacked me. then a giant toy troll tried to eat me.
~I ran from gangsters by driving numerous cars and motorcycles. and crashing them.
~my parents drove off a bridge, and it became a rollercoaster. then it crashed and i was hanging off the cliff. with only one hand.
~I was in a war, and an enemy soldier came in, and killed the general, leaving just him and me. We fought, I stabbed him through the back of the neck, and sliced his throat. I was about to turn him over to find id to tell his family when I woke up (I think it was triggered by reading "All Quiet on the Western Front" and "Letters from Iwo Jima")
~I was saying goodbye to my family the day before I knew I was going to go off and fight zombies alone. I somehow knew I was gonna die. This was REALLY sad.
~I was walking with my christian friends from church and fellowship. We were being persecuted, and people kept stepping on mines. And, yes, exploding. However, that didn't stop my friends from dancing around. I was scared for them, while thinking "they're idiots!!!". Sorry guys =[
Yeah. Crazy, right? And some quite disturbing, and some downright sad.
Anyways, here was the dream that I had during my nap this evening.
Lindsay and I were heading home from Davis, and we got reaaally lost. We were lost for hours, since it got dark. My dream spent a lot of time on me just feelings scared and hopeless. Then, we got found. Then, for some reason, everyone went to Tahoe without me and Dad. So, we were waiting for a bus (in Davis, still, for some reason). And....my neighbors were mutated monsters. The most distinct one I remember was a barf green monster whose legs had gotten amputated. That was creepy. Then, we were in Tahoe, and I was unpacking clothes. The pile never ended.
The end.
Brain Fart 18: Communications 101
So, a few people like to come to me for relationship help. I don't understand why. I've only been in one bf/gf relationship, and have, like, no experience. But what little I have learned, mostly from watching others, is that the key to any kind of interpersonal relationship, whether it be friendship, gf/bf, parent/child, or whatever else, is communication.
You HAVE to communicate. Tell each other what you're thinking, what you're feeling. This seems so obvious, and it is. But it's still so hard. People worry about how the other party is going to react, or they assume that nothing needs to be said, like it's already understood. It's not. People can't read minds. For example, in any relationship where a boy is "talking" to a girl, the guy may say "I like you." Then, for some reason or another,the girl starts feeling insecure, and wishes the guy to say it again. But, the guy doesn't think he needs to, because he's already said it. Well, time has passed, and feelings change. Everyone knows that. So maybe, not necessarily in a gushy, gross way, they should reassure that girl to let them know that the feelings are still there.
There is an infinite amount of possible feelings, thoughts, and reasons for doing things. But when you don't communicate, we tend to limit what those possibilities are, and make assumptions. Then, misunderstandings are born, and trust dies away. And trust is another vital key to successful relationships.
So, don't make assumptions.
JUST TALK.
You HAVE to communicate. Tell each other what you're thinking, what you're feeling. This seems so obvious, and it is. But it's still so hard. People worry about how the other party is going to react, or they assume that nothing needs to be said, like it's already understood. It's not. People can't read minds. For example, in any relationship where a boy is "talking" to a girl, the guy may say "I like you." Then, for some reason or another,the girl starts feeling insecure, and wishes the guy to say it again. But, the guy doesn't think he needs to, because he's already said it. Well, time has passed, and feelings change. Everyone knows that. So maybe, not necessarily in a gushy, gross way, they should reassure that girl to let them know that the feelings are still there.
There is an infinite amount of possible feelings, thoughts, and reasons for doing things. But when you don't communicate, we tend to limit what those possibilities are, and make assumptions. Then, misunderstandings are born, and trust dies away. And trust is another vital key to successful relationships.
So, don't make assumptions.
JUST TALK.
Brain Fart 17: Deprived Child
Do you remember that game where you go around in a circle and say, "I have never ____"? It was so much fun!! Until you won, and realized that you have no life... hahahaha just kidding. Anyways!
My sister and I were watching one of the million movies we've been watching since we got Netflix for our Wii. This time, is was "The Confessions of a Shopaholic." It was a pretty good movie, although the main character kind of annoyed me. SO basically, her mom deprived her of pretty clothes when she was a kid. She always got the ugly brown shoes because they were cheaper and lasted longer. Instead of getting scarves, her mom wrapped jeans around her neck instead. Ok, so that one is preeettty ghetto, but still, I thought it was ridiculous for the main girl to become to obsessed just because her mom deprived her as a child.
But then, I realized that there is some truth to this. My mom was deprived of pets as a child. We now own 3 dogs, a cat, and a box turtle. My sister was deprived of make up and peircings as a child. If you know her, then you already know, case closed. Poor kids, deprived of money, strive to be billionaires. In all of the asian dramas, the rich kids, deprived of love, would give up their money to find love.
So, I guess there is some truth to this "deprived child" phenomenon. So I'm not annoyed by her. As much.
And yes. That was really random. But not all of my blogs can be all deep and personal and superduper long. Because then that would be boring, right?
Right!
My sister and I were watching one of the million movies we've been watching since we got Netflix for our Wii. This time, is was "The Confessions of a Shopaholic." It was a pretty good movie, although the main character kind of annoyed me. SO basically, her mom deprived her of pretty clothes when she was a kid. She always got the ugly brown shoes because they were cheaper and lasted longer. Instead of getting scarves, her mom wrapped jeans around her neck instead. Ok, so that one is preeettty ghetto, but still, I thought it was ridiculous for the main girl to become to obsessed just because her mom deprived her as a child.
But then, I realized that there is some truth to this. My mom was deprived of pets as a child. We now own 3 dogs, a cat, and a box turtle. My sister was deprived of make up and peircings as a child. If you know her, then you already know, case closed. Poor kids, deprived of money, strive to be billionaires. In all of the asian dramas, the rich kids, deprived of love, would give up their money to find love.
So, I guess there is some truth to this "deprived child" phenomenon. So I'm not annoyed by her. As much.
And yes. That was really random. But not all of my blogs can be all deep and personal and superduper long. Because then that would be boring, right?
Right!
Brain Fart 16: Toy Story of my Life
Once upon a time, in a land not too far away from here, in a time not too long ago, there was this girl. Her name is Loko. She had a crush on this guy. The guy said he had a crush on her. Then, all of a sudden, his profile read "In A Relationship." Not with Loko. Loko was really angry, and probably quite hurt, so she ran to Cojo and told her the story. Cojo replied, "Heh. Story of my life."
I am Cojo. And that has been the story of my life thus far, a toy story. The most recent chapter of my life was a small one, but it's what triggered my thoughts of toys. Basically, there was this guy, Shika-sempai. We met, we got along pretty well. We flirted. He told me he was interested in me, but was not looking for a girlfriend. I was interested in him, but not as long as he wasn't serious. So I just let it go, but we still flirted and whatnot. Then one day, I see him walking across the quad holding hands with a girl. I texted him, and he told me he had a girlfriend. You know, the one he didn't want, and wasn't looking for.
This was a small chapter, but it's what triggered my brain fart explosion. It made me think back to when we were chatting about what we were to each other. I remember how he had told me he was interested in me, but wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I remember thinking, "then, what the heck do you want from me?" And now, I can only think that he saw me as a (and this is where I came up with the analogy) "toy." I was a toy that he could just play with, because I was cute, or fun to play with, or whatever. And then, when I wasn't needed, he could just drop me.
And that's what a toy is. A toy is something that is cute, fun to play with, always there, comforting, or maybe all of the above. And that is what I have been to not just Shika-sempai, but to many guys before. I was a toy when they were bored, just looking to play, or sometimes, I was used in place of a "real" girl. Some guys used me when the girl they liked did not like them back, or, even worse, if their relationship with a girl wasn't fun enough or good enough for them. Yeah, that's right. Guys with girlfriends have "played with" me, too. And that doesn't make me feel bad for just me, but I feel even worse for that girl. But then, eventually, they lost their need for me, and I got dropped. Like a toy. Thinking back, I can count at least 7 or 8 guys who have made me their toy.
And maybe that is why I have not been in a relationship since my freshman year of high school (for the record, my boyfriend didn't pull crap like that on me. he was great). Most people who know me probably can tell that when it comes to guys, I tend to pull away. I hate admitting to liking anyone. If I find out they like me, whether or not I like them back, I tend to distance myself. I always wondered why I did that, because it's quite frustrating, even for myself. I realize, it's because I'm scared. In my mind, I'm just waiting for them to drop me like a toy. Therefore, if I distance myself, when they drop me, it'll be okay. Because if I distance myself, if I never admit to liking them, then I don't have to admit that I was hurt by them.
I always told my sister that when a guy hurts me, I act like it doesn't bother me, because if I act like I'm okay, then I'll be okay faster. Although that may be true, it's not the complete truth until I add in that I also do it to save my dignity. It goes back from Brain Fart 15. I reaaallly hate showing my weaknesses. But, here it is.
Everytime a guy has used me as a toy, whether he meant to or not, whether I liked him or only saw him as a friend, it has hurt me to some degree. And added up, it has left a serious scar on me, enough to make me scared to trust anyone, to like anyone. It may have even prevented me from falling in love up to now. Thanks a bunch.
So, here's a couple of my favorite songs to sum up my feelings.
To the boys out there who are just trying to play:
To the world in general:
I am Cojo. And that has been the story of my life thus far, a toy story. The most recent chapter of my life was a small one, but it's what triggered my thoughts of toys. Basically, there was this guy, Shika-sempai. We met, we got along pretty well. We flirted. He told me he was interested in me, but was not looking for a girlfriend. I was interested in him, but not as long as he wasn't serious. So I just let it go, but we still flirted and whatnot. Then one day, I see him walking across the quad holding hands with a girl. I texted him, and he told me he had a girlfriend. You know, the one he didn't want, and wasn't looking for.
This was a small chapter, but it's what triggered my brain fart explosion. It made me think back to when we were chatting about what we were to each other. I remember how he had told me he was interested in me, but wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I remember thinking, "then, what the heck do you want from me?" And now, I can only think that he saw me as a (and this is where I came up with the analogy) "toy." I was a toy that he could just play with, because I was cute, or fun to play with, or whatever. And then, when I wasn't needed, he could just drop me.
And that's what a toy is. A toy is something that is cute, fun to play with, always there, comforting, or maybe all of the above. And that is what I have been to not just Shika-sempai, but to many guys before. I was a toy when they were bored, just looking to play, or sometimes, I was used in place of a "real" girl. Some guys used me when the girl they liked did not like them back, or, even worse, if their relationship with a girl wasn't fun enough or good enough for them. Yeah, that's right. Guys with girlfriends have "played with" me, too. And that doesn't make me feel bad for just me, but I feel even worse for that girl. But then, eventually, they lost their need for me, and I got dropped. Like a toy. Thinking back, I can count at least 7 or 8 guys who have made me their toy.
And maybe that is why I have not been in a relationship since my freshman year of high school (for the record, my boyfriend didn't pull crap like that on me. he was great). Most people who know me probably can tell that when it comes to guys, I tend to pull away. I hate admitting to liking anyone. If I find out they like me, whether or not I like them back, I tend to distance myself. I always wondered why I did that, because it's quite frustrating, even for myself. I realize, it's because I'm scared. In my mind, I'm just waiting for them to drop me like a toy. Therefore, if I distance myself, when they drop me, it'll be okay. Because if I distance myself, if I never admit to liking them, then I don't have to admit that I was hurt by them.
I always told my sister that when a guy hurts me, I act like it doesn't bother me, because if I act like I'm okay, then I'll be okay faster. Although that may be true, it's not the complete truth until I add in that I also do it to save my dignity. It goes back from Brain Fart 15. I reaaallly hate showing my weaknesses. But, here it is.
Everytime a guy has used me as a toy, whether he meant to or not, whether I liked him or only saw him as a friend, it has hurt me to some degree. And added up, it has left a serious scar on me, enough to make me scared to trust anyone, to like anyone. It may have even prevented me from falling in love up to now. Thanks a bunch.
So, here's a couple of my favorite songs to sum up my feelings.
To the boys out there who are just trying to play:
To the world in general:
Brain Fart 15: My Delicate Side
I'm baack!!
Sorry I was away for so long. The excuse in my head is that I had nothing to write about. That's a lie. Of course I have things on my mind, I think too much!! The real reason is because I know my family has started reading my blog. I just realized this, but I have a real hard time opening up to them. It's not their fault. They have never given me any reason to feel like I cannot open myself up, and be myself, towards them. Ever.
Ok, well maybe there was something. I mean, there was that time I made a fool of myself in Disneyland, and they laughed at me. That made me cry. But that was a long time ago!! Oh. But then, there's also the fact that we seem to have a "always be strong" family motto. People get teased for being "delicate" or "sensitive" or "corny." So, I guess that kinda scared me into being "strong" as a kid. But, like I said, it's not their fault that I cannot completely open myself to them. My sister does. All the time.
The real problem lies with my own self-made rule that I cannot be weak. I think I hate to see people pity me. For example, when plans I had made with friends got cancelled by the other party, I would always make some bs lie about it to my parents, maybe that I didn't feel like going out, or that I had never made plans, just so they wouldn't feel bad for me. Then, one time, when I was on a church retreat, I went boulder-hopping with some friends. Basically, boulder-hopping is my worst nightmare: heights, climbing, and spiders. So, you guessed it, I had an almost-meltdown. I had reached my limit, and I was about to cry. My friend, Glory** (not their real name), tried to comfort me. That made it worse. I started freaking out, telling, begging her not to comfort me. I did NOT want to cry in front of them. In the end, I even had to yell at her to stop talking, sit on my own boulder facing away from everyone, and just calm myself. (btw, sorry for yelling you at that time, Glory!)
I guess, I just really hate to see my own weakness. I feel like, if I see it, I admit my own defeat. I don't want to do that. Somehow, I feel like if I can just trick everyone to think I'm fine, then I can trick myself, and I can save some dignity. But, if they see it, then they pity me, and I feel like I'm a failure. Yeah. I know it's stupid. But that's what it is. That's why I was so...cautious when I found out my family read my blogs. But...no more. It's time for me to grow up a little, and start realizing that, sometimes, life hurts me, and it's ok to show that.
Sorry I was away for so long. The excuse in my head is that I had nothing to write about. That's a lie. Of course I have things on my mind, I think too much!! The real reason is because I know my family has started reading my blog. I just realized this, but I have a real hard time opening up to them. It's not their fault. They have never given me any reason to feel like I cannot open myself up, and be myself, towards them. Ever.
Ok, well maybe there was something. I mean, there was that time I made a fool of myself in Disneyland, and they laughed at me. That made me cry. But that was a long time ago!! Oh. But then, there's also the fact that we seem to have a "always be strong" family motto. People get teased for being "delicate" or "sensitive" or "corny." So, I guess that kinda scared me into being "strong" as a kid. But, like I said, it's not their fault that I cannot completely open myself to them. My sister does. All the time.
The real problem lies with my own self-made rule that I cannot be weak. I think I hate to see people pity me. For example, when plans I had made with friends got cancelled by the other party, I would always make some bs lie about it to my parents, maybe that I didn't feel like going out, or that I had never made plans, just so they wouldn't feel bad for me. Then, one time, when I was on a church retreat, I went boulder-hopping with some friends. Basically, boulder-hopping is my worst nightmare: heights, climbing, and spiders. So, you guessed it, I had an almost-meltdown. I had reached my limit, and I was about to cry. My friend, Glory** (not their real name), tried to comfort me. That made it worse. I started freaking out, telling, begging her not to comfort me. I did NOT want to cry in front of them. In the end, I even had to yell at her to stop talking, sit on my own boulder facing away from everyone, and just calm myself. (btw, sorry for yelling you at that time, Glory!)
I guess, I just really hate to see my own weakness. I feel like, if I see it, I admit my own defeat. I don't want to do that. Somehow, I feel like if I can just trick everyone to think I'm fine, then I can trick myself, and I can save some dignity. But, if they see it, then they pity me, and I feel like I'm a failure. Yeah. I know it's stupid. But that's what it is. That's why I was so...cautious when I found out my family read my blogs. But...no more. It's time for me to grow up a little, and start realizing that, sometimes, life hurts me, and it's ok to show that.
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