Brain Fart 25: 3 in 1 UPDATE

Sorry it's been so long!! I've been pretty busy with school and whatnot, and my free time has been filled with laziness. But I'm back!!

So let's see... I'm a 3rd year at Davis, going into winter quarter. I have a part time job at the school's food court. I'm dancing as much as I can given the limited free time I have. I co-lead for a Bible study group. ... Well, that's it for the everyday, boring stuff, let's move on to the juicier things.

So, this summer was quite eventful. I was a counselor at my church's annual Youth Camp for the first time. =D And I caught a stalker!! And during both of these events, I developed crushes on some guys. Let's call them Red and Green.

So, long stories short... Red and I were both counselors at Youth Camp, and I developed a crush on him there. Then, Green and I hung out a little over summer. I told him about this creeper who kept calling me under a blocked number in the middle of the night, and Green helped me trap the guy's calls, and found out who it was. I became attracted to Green as well, but not as much as I was to Red. This all didn't really matter, until they both revealed to me that they were both attracted to me, too.

However, as time went on, I spent more time with Green, and less time with Red. By doing this, I started to "like" Green more, although my "crush" on Red was still bigger. [btw, my definition of 'crush' is how a little girl likes a prince, or some POP star. 'like' only begins when you start to know the guy] But recently, it just feels like Red doesn't even care. And it has always felt like he was mostly just physically attracted to me, anyways, so I'm basically giving up on him. As for Green...we're still seeing how that's going, although I think we've definitely gotten closer to each other. Our time together is less sporadic, and communication just seems much more consistent.
We'll see how that goes.


Moving onto another topic, my Christian fellowship. Basically, I've felt very distanced from them recently. I just don't feel like I can open up to many people there, I can't be myself around them. I can't, because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me, what with all my sin and whatnot. And this is a problem within this fellowship. We seem so strict in how we view things such as drinking alcohol, dating, etc. Then, because of that, people feel like they have to put up a "goody-goody" front, so that no one will judge them, and they won't be isolated from the group, as I have seen happen to some members in the past. But, then we aren't really a family, which is what we should be, brothers and sisters with Christ. How can we be a family if we can't trust each other with the truth about ourselves?
I drink alcohol, and I'm not 21. That's a sin. I know that, but that's probably not gonna make me stop. I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth. That's the truth about me, and the truth about sin. Knowing something is a sin won't necessarily stop you from committing that sin. But, because I'm worried about what my fellow fellowshippers will think, I don't tell them about that side of me. Especially since I'm a co-leader in a Bible Study group. This group makes a really big fuss about making sure that its leaders are very "good." They believe that the leaders must set a good example to the underclassmen, so that they may follow the right path, too.
But, honestly, that's crap. Me saying that I don't drink is not going to stop the freshmen from not drinking. If they're gonna drink, they're gonna drink. Then, instead, because they think I don't drink, they'll probably think that I'll judge them for drinking. So, they'll probably just not tell anyone, and they'll put up a "goody-goody" front and not really get to KNOW anyone, just like me, just like the upperclassmen before me. It's a horrible cycle that just leads to superficial relationships with people you think don't know you, nor care about you. It's been on my mind to just come clean. I want to tell them the truth. I keep thinking that if I can just truly open myself up, then maybe I can start making some real relationships within this fellowship, and become a family with my fellow brothers and sisters. However, the fear of being isolated from the group, and maybe even kicked out from my position as a co-leader of Bible study, still makes me hesitate.
We'll see how that goes.

I'm sorry if this blog is wildly unorganized and hard to read. I'm writing this at 5am. Why? Because I'm hoping that by writing this, getting all this off my chest, I can get some sleep without all these vivid, not so pleasant dreams that I've been having these past couple of weeks. But yeah, let's get some dream journals in. Here's a short description of the two most vivid dreams I've had recently:

~there was a monster invasion. this dream was very much like a movie. there were scenes with fighting and killing in it, and there were inbetween scenes, when i got to hunt for food, bury the dead, and think the depressing ideas that people i love are dying, i may die soon, etc etc. woke up depressed.
~my friend (H) and i were watching a movie with another friend (R). friend H made a move on me, but i pushed him away. he got violent, and started attacking me. we fought, i fought him off, and got him outta my house. after that, he started stalking me, and following me whenever i went to school (i guess i was in hs still lol). one day, he attacked me while i was walking back home, but i fought him off again, and ran in the house. boarded up the house, but i knew he could still get in. so i found all the knives i could, and chose which ones i wanted to use, hid them in random places, and stood, waiting for him to break in. long time waiting. finally, he breaks in. i wake up feeling scared, and guilty for making my friend such a bad guy in my dream =[

~~UPDATE COMPLETED~~