So my friend from AACF (my Christian fellowship), Jack-E, and I have this inside joke where we touch each others heads and say "Hand to head! Hand to head!!" Weird, right? Ok, well, let me explain. There was this sermon where the pastor was talking about relationships between people, and he talked about this book that talked about 12 levels of contact that measured the closeness with a person. Well, hand to head contact was one of the more intimate forms of physical contact one could have with another. Since it was one of the last levels in the book before things got awkward and inappropriate, Jack-E and I chose this one as our inside joke to show our closeness.
Well, today I got to see her again for the first time in a while, and we did our "hand to head" thing, had our laughs about it, fun stuff. Then, I realized that I was actually truly happy, and had that nice, warm fuzzy feeling inside. Which, by the way, is surprising because I was actually feeling relatively emo and depressed today. I think I was feeling emo because I was thinking about my relationships with people, and was going through my usual insecurities of "maybe I really don't have that many friends, and least not really"-ness. Basically, for a while, I've felt disconnected and distanced from AACF, and that I don't actually have that many good friends there. But somehow, my "hand to head" with Jack-E was able to immediately make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I felt loved again, just after a simple touch. How??
So I was kinda thinking about that as Jack-E was driving me home from our fellowship's dinner event. And I came to the conclusion that physical touch is very important to relationships. Now, now, I don't mean that in a sexual, weird, perverted way. So please don't take this as an excuse to go and harass someone and say, "well, Courtney said it was good to touch!!" No. I don't mean it that way. It's just that, I think physical touch is a good way to see if someone really cares about you. I was running through a list of "friends" in my head. There are friends. Then there are friends. I started separating my friends into each category.
I noticed that the real friends all have a habit of making physical contact with me. Whether it was hugs or high fives, poking or punching me, hand-to-heads or shoulders or arms, there is almost always some form of physical contact between my real friends and me. I wonder what the reason for physical contact between close friends is... Is it that it's a way to get a closer look into how someone is feeling? or is it to get a reaction out of them that most other people don't see often? I really don't know the reason, but either way, it's good. Because that is how I know that those are the friends who actually really care about me, what I'm up to, and even how I feel. Those are the friends who will ask how I'm doing, and ask for details. They are the ones who will look for me if I've gone missing. They are the ones who will search me out at a party and take care of my drunk butt. They are the ones who will probably still seek me out years from now just to see how I'm doing. And they can be sure that I will also be seeking them out, too.
So I guess this is kinda just my shout out to them, to you (you know who you are, or at least I hope you do). Thank you for caring about me, for making me feel loved. If you're one of them, then there's a chance that I may hit you a lot. I know, it's weird that I hit people that I care about. But, if this is you, then I hope you don't take that offensively, because I only do that to people I feel close with, meaning I feel close with you. Anyways, I just wanted to thank those friends out there who really care about me. When I start feeling insecure about my relationships with people, I think of you, and I know that I at least have you, that God at least blessed me with your friendship. I thank Him for that every time. I thank you for that.
<3 Courtney
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Brain Fart 23: New Life Church
I love New Life Church, which is where I go when I'm in Fairfield. Mom discovered it quite a few years ago, but I only just started to go on a somewhat regular basis ("somewhat" because I'm regular only when I'm in Fairfield) just this year. However, I've gone enough to realize something: I do not feel completely comfortable going to church with Mom, Lindsay, and probably Dad if he went to church. Errrr if any of you are reading this (and you probably ALL are), please don't take it the wrong way. It's totally not because of you.
I know I've said this before, so I think we all know by now that I just do not like to be vulnerable in front of my family, and I think that applies to this, too. Back when I was younger, before college, I had no problem going to church with my family. It was just like hanging out with family friends. Sing songs, pray (or sleep while everyone else prayed), listen to some guy talk (or sleep while everyone else listened to some guy talk), play dodgeball, etc, etc, whatever.
Then I got to college. I totally thought I was just gonna party it up, drink, live the college life. Then, I was brought to AACF. Changed. My. Life. I mean, sure, Youth Camp brought me to acknowledge Jesus as my savior, and I took the first few steps into my faith. But AACF is where I made my relationship with God personal. That is when I started going to church on a regular basis of my own accord. I even attempted doing devotions everyday (that failed back then, but I'm now attempting to stay regular at that, too). And it wasn't just my practices that changed. My whole mindset in a Christian setting changed. I started to actually try to make things personal between God and me. I started to try to open myself up, and make myself vulnerable to God's power and love.
I am still that way now. But, I have realized that it is much harder to let myself be like that when my family is around. For example, I can not really get into singing worship songs without feeling self-conscious around them. It is so stupid of me. Why should I get embarrassed about my love for God? Why should I let that stop me from worshiping God? But, because of this, I have started to intentionally go to church at a different time from the rest of the family. It feels wrong that I go separate from the family, but I also feel like it would be wrong to not give my all to God, which is what happens when I go with Mom and Lindsay.
Unfortunately, simply acknowledging this problem won't make it any better. So, for now, I might keep going to church at a separate time from the rest of the family. Or maybe I'll just suck it up, go to church with everyone, and slowly get used to it? I don't even know...
I know I've said this before, so I think we all know by now that I just do not like to be vulnerable in front of my family, and I think that applies to this, too. Back when I was younger, before college, I had no problem going to church with my family. It was just like hanging out with family friends. Sing songs, pray (or sleep while everyone else prayed), listen to some guy talk (or sleep while everyone else listened to some guy talk), play dodgeball, etc, etc, whatever.
Then I got to college. I totally thought I was just gonna party it up, drink, live the college life. Then, I was brought to AACF. Changed. My. Life. I mean, sure, Youth Camp brought me to acknowledge Jesus as my savior, and I took the first few steps into my faith. But AACF is where I made my relationship with God personal. That is when I started going to church on a regular basis of my own accord. I even attempted doing devotions everyday (that failed back then, but I'm now attempting to stay regular at that, too). And it wasn't just my practices that changed. My whole mindset in a Christian setting changed. I started to actually try to make things personal between God and me. I started to try to open myself up, and make myself vulnerable to God's power and love.
I am still that way now. But, I have realized that it is much harder to let myself be like that when my family is around. For example, I can not really get into singing worship songs without feeling self-conscious around them. It is so stupid of me. Why should I get embarrassed about my love for God? Why should I let that stop me from worshiping God? But, because of this, I have started to intentionally go to church at a different time from the rest of the family. It feels wrong that I go separate from the family, but I also feel like it would be wrong to not give my all to God, which is what happens when I go with Mom and Lindsay.
Unfortunately, simply acknowledging this problem won't make it any better. So, for now, I might keep going to church at a separate time from the rest of the family. Or maybe I'll just suck it up, go to church with everyone, and slowly get used to it? I don't even know...
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Brain Fart 22: Games
I love games. Board games, video games, card games, weird Christian-made games, run-around-in-fields-like-fools games, all of them. However, there a certain kind of game that I have always hated. That would be the "relationship games". You know, like "hard to get," or "pretend to be into someone else to see if he will get jealous" types of games. I think those are pretty immature, and are disasters waiting to happen. Too bad I kind of play those games, too.
The game I play is "give them my attention then take it away." This is how it goes:
When I first become interested, I initiate IM conversations every chance I get. Then, after a while, I stop IMing them. After that, I leave it up to them to IM me. I do this to see if they care enough to notice that I'm gone, if I left a big enough impression on them to make them notice my absence.
Yeah, it's pretty immature. I hate that I play those childish games. However, I realize that I don't do that necessarily with just guys I'm interested in. I apply it to a lot of other friendships in my life. It's not really about the game to me. It's more like... making sure I'm not investing in a relationship that the other party is not also investing in. You see, as most of you probably know by now, I have some serious issues with insecurity. Due to past events, I have problems with trusting that people won't leave me, or "drop" me (referring back to the "Toy Story of my Life" blog).
So, through the game, I see who cared enough about me to notice when I stopped IMing them. And even more, I see who missed me enough to IM me first. I figure, if they care that much, then they are also investing in our relationship (or friendship), and that I can trust that they won't so easily let go of it. Unfortunately, it's not really all that efficient, and it doesn't always work.
But who cares? It's just a game.
The game I play is "give them my attention then take it away." This is how it goes:
When I first become interested, I initiate IM conversations every chance I get. Then, after a while, I stop IMing them. After that, I leave it up to them to IM me. I do this to see if they care enough to notice that I'm gone, if I left a big enough impression on them to make them notice my absence.
Yeah, it's pretty immature. I hate that I play those childish games. However, I realize that I don't do that necessarily with just guys I'm interested in. I apply it to a lot of other friendships in my life. It's not really about the game to me. It's more like... making sure I'm not investing in a relationship that the other party is not also investing in. You see, as most of you probably know by now, I have some serious issues with insecurity. Due to past events, I have problems with trusting that people won't leave me, or "drop" me (referring back to the "Toy Story of my Life" blog).
So, through the game, I see who cared enough about me to notice when I stopped IMing them. And even more, I see who missed me enough to IM me first. I figure, if they care that much, then they are also investing in our relationship (or friendship), and that I can trust that they won't so easily let go of it. Unfortunately, it's not really all that efficient, and it doesn't always work.
But who cares? It's just a game.
Brain Fart 21: If I Had a Little White Box to Put My Jesus In
If I had a little white box to put my Jesus in
I'd take Him out and **kiss kiss kiss** and share Him with a friend.
And if I had a little black box to put the devil in
I'd take him out and SMASH HIS HEAD and put him back again.
hahahaha I love this song, it's so funny! It's one of the only Jesus songs I know where you can actually be violent! But that's not the point.
The point I'm thinking about is putting Jesus (or God) in a box. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of putting limits on who God is, what He thinks, or what He can do. Sometimes, I feel like people make God sound like such an uptight, narrow-minded stick in the mud. I hear sermons all the time about how we should or should not do this or that because "God says so." How do we know that? Sure, there's the Bible. It tells us a lot about God. A LOT. But who are we to say that that is all God has to say? I mean, just between the Old and New Testament, lots of things changed. We (or maybe it's just me) tend to see the Old Testament as the time of just rules, and punishments for not following those rules. Then we read the New Testament, which seems to throw the rulebook to the wind. People are forgiven of their sins, and all is happy and dandy and puppies rolling around in meadows. Things were so different, that people didn't believe that Jesus was God's son BECAUSE it was so different. They thought, "How could this possibly be God's son when he doesn't follow God's usual way of doing things at all?"
But God was there in ALL of it. From the stiff ways of the Old Testament to the loosey-goosey ways of the New Testament, God was there. Which shows us just how big God is. He is beyond our imagination. And yet, here we are, saying things like "God doesn't like this. He doesn't want that."Or, "God doesn't like gay people. He doesn't want them to get married. He wants us to stop them." ((Yeah, that's right, I just went there! I'm a "No on prop.8"-er all the way!))
Ya know, I totally had a lot more to say on this topic. I had things swimming in my head about how that mind-set of "putting God in a box" makes Christianity seem like it's no fun when it really is and stuff like that. However, I can't find a clever way to put that in here, and I'm too tired to try and work it in, so I'll just lay it out there and let you think about it for yourself =]
Bottom line: I don't like putting God in a box. He's too awesome for that. Ze END!!!!
I'd take Him out and **kiss kiss kiss** and share Him with a friend.
And if I had a little black box to put the devil in
I'd take him out and SMASH HIS HEAD and put him back again.
hahahaha I love this song, it's so funny! It's one of the only Jesus songs I know where you can actually be violent! But that's not the point.
The point I'm thinking about is putting Jesus (or God) in a box. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of putting limits on who God is, what He thinks, or what He can do. Sometimes, I feel like people make God sound like such an uptight, narrow-minded stick in the mud. I hear sermons all the time about how we should or should not do this or that because "God says so." How do we know that? Sure, there's the Bible. It tells us a lot about God. A LOT. But who are we to say that that is all God has to say? I mean, just between the Old and New Testament, lots of things changed. We (or maybe it's just me) tend to see the Old Testament as the time of just rules, and punishments for not following those rules. Then we read the New Testament, which seems to throw the rulebook to the wind. People are forgiven of their sins, and all is happy and dandy and puppies rolling around in meadows. Things were so different, that people didn't believe that Jesus was God's son BECAUSE it was so different. They thought, "How could this possibly be God's son when he doesn't follow God's usual way of doing things at all?"
But God was there in ALL of it. From the stiff ways of the Old Testament to the loosey-goosey ways of the New Testament, God was there. Which shows us just how big God is. He is beyond our imagination. And yet, here we are, saying things like "God doesn't like this. He doesn't want that."Or, "God doesn't like gay people. He doesn't want them to get married. He wants us to stop them." ((Yeah, that's right, I just went there! I'm a "No on prop.8"-er all the way!))
Ya know, I totally had a lot more to say on this topic. I had things swimming in my head about how that mind-set of "putting God in a box" makes Christianity seem like it's no fun when it really is and stuff like that. However, I can't find a clever way to put that in here, and I'm too tired to try and work it in, so I'll just lay it out there and let you think about it for yourself =]
Bottom line: I don't like putting God in a box. He's too awesome for that. Ze END!!!!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Brain Fart 20: Dream Diary 2
So, as you can see, I don't blog every one of my dreams, otherwise I should have a blog at least every other night. But this one was special. In that it was weird as heck.
Basically, it was a dream about a demon. And yes, I do believe in demons. I'm not sure what my beliefs are about demons, I just believe they exist. Anyways, in my dream, all I can remember is...
I was at my grandpa and grandma's (Goonggoong and Paupau) house. I could feel the demon's presence. Everyone starts freaking out. I grab something heavy enough to hurt when swung around. I don't remember what it was. It looked like a stick, but when i swung it, it felt like there was water in it. I can't see the demon itself, but I guess my vision would get distorted if my eyes were on it. So, I swung at the distorted parts of my vision. Then, the demon got smarter!! It made my vision everywhere go distorted! So, I swung everywhere. My family behind me were cheering me on, but I wondered why they weren't fighting with me...
The demon disappeared. I don't know where it went. We started cheering, because it was gone, but I felt uneasy since I knew I hadn't actually killed it. Then, I had some sort of premonition (I know, it just keeps getting weirder and weirder!!). I saw one of my friends, Mickey**, from high school who I haven't seen since graduation. Apparently, he's got a baby on the way. So my premonition was that he and the girl he got pregnant were getting attacked by the demon. I don't know how. It actually just looked like she was going in to labor, but I guess to my dream self, that's equivalent to getting attacked by a demon. I don't know Mickey's number or address, but I want to warn him. So, I call one of my closest friends from high school, Pandaxan, who goes to the same college as Mickey, and tell him to warn Mickey. After I hang up the phone, I wake up back at my home.
And the demon is at my house now. Poo. So, I'm panicking, grabbing another stick-but-filled-with-water type thing, and running to my parents' room to tell them. My mom just laughs, and says it'll be okay. But it won't! The demon is here!! Why doesn't she care about it, when she was also freaking out at GG and PP's house?? But I don't have time to worry about that. I'm scared. I can't fight the demon again if my mom isn't going to cheer me on. So I sit at the top of our staircase, and I pray.
Dear Heavenly Father, please keep all demons at a 200 mile radius away from my house. Please keep my family and I safe. Amen.
I open my eyes, and the demon is gone. But then, so is my mom. I wonder, where is she?...
I wake up, and my mom texts me a response to a text I sent her earlier that morning before I fell back asleep into that weird, intense dream.
Now, I'm off to be a counselor at the camp I spent 7 years at as a camper. Wish me luck!!
Basically, it was a dream about a demon. And yes, I do believe in demons. I'm not sure what my beliefs are about demons, I just believe they exist. Anyways, in my dream, all I can remember is...
I was at my grandpa and grandma's (Goonggoong and Paupau) house. I could feel the demon's presence. Everyone starts freaking out. I grab something heavy enough to hurt when swung around. I don't remember what it was. It looked like a stick, but when i swung it, it felt like there was water in it. I can't see the demon itself, but I guess my vision would get distorted if my eyes were on it. So, I swung at the distorted parts of my vision. Then, the demon got smarter!! It made my vision everywhere go distorted! So, I swung everywhere. My family behind me were cheering me on, but I wondered why they weren't fighting with me...
The demon disappeared. I don't know where it went. We started cheering, because it was gone, but I felt uneasy since I knew I hadn't actually killed it. Then, I had some sort of premonition (I know, it just keeps getting weirder and weirder!!). I saw one of my friends, Mickey**, from high school who I haven't seen since graduation. Apparently, he's got a baby on the way. So my premonition was that he and the girl he got pregnant were getting attacked by the demon. I don't know how. It actually just looked like she was going in to labor, but I guess to my dream self, that's equivalent to getting attacked by a demon. I don't know Mickey's number or address, but I want to warn him. So, I call one of my closest friends from high school, Pandaxan, who goes to the same college as Mickey, and tell him to warn Mickey. After I hang up the phone, I wake up back at my home.
And the demon is at my house now. Poo. So, I'm panicking, grabbing another stick-but-filled-with-water type thing, and running to my parents' room to tell them. My mom just laughs, and says it'll be okay. But it won't! The demon is here!! Why doesn't she care about it, when she was also freaking out at GG and PP's house?? But I don't have time to worry about that. I'm scared. I can't fight the demon again if my mom isn't going to cheer me on. So I sit at the top of our staircase, and I pray.
Dear Heavenly Father, please keep all demons at a 200 mile radius away from my house. Please keep my family and I safe. Amen.
I open my eyes, and the demon is gone. But then, so is my mom. I wonder, where is she?...
I wake up, and my mom texts me a response to a text I sent her earlier that morning before I fell back asleep into that weird, intense dream.
Now, I'm off to be a counselor at the camp I spent 7 years at as a camper. Wish me luck!!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Brain Fart 19: Dream Diary 1
This one is inspired by my friend. He told me about how he writes down his dreams right after he wakes up, so he doesn't forget. I think that's a pretty good idea, especially since my dreams are CRAZYYYYY!
I know you're thinking "all dreams are crazy!" But no. Mine are REALLY crazy, often times disturbing. Here is some of them thus far...
~my cat died. as a rooster. and my dad ate her. as a nerds rope.
~my bath toys attacked me. then a giant toy troll tried to eat me.
~I ran from gangsters by driving numerous cars and motorcycles. and crashing them.
~my parents drove off a bridge, and it became a rollercoaster. then it crashed and i was hanging off the cliff. with only one hand.
~I was in a war, and an enemy soldier came in, and killed the general, leaving just him and me. We fought, I stabbed him through the back of the neck, and sliced his throat. I was about to turn him over to find id to tell his family when I woke up (I think it was triggered by reading "All Quiet on the Western Front" and "Letters from Iwo Jima")
~I was saying goodbye to my family the day before I knew I was going to go off and fight zombies alone. I somehow knew I was gonna die. This was REALLY sad.
~I was walking with my christian friends from church and fellowship. We were being persecuted, and people kept stepping on mines. And, yes, exploding. However, that didn't stop my friends from dancing around. I was scared for them, while thinking "they're idiots!!!". Sorry guys =[
Yeah. Crazy, right? And some quite disturbing, and some downright sad.
Anyways, here was the dream that I had during my nap this evening.
Lindsay and I were heading home from Davis, and we got reaaally lost. We were lost for hours, since it got dark. My dream spent a lot of time on me just feelings scared and hopeless. Then, we got found. Then, for some reason, everyone went to Tahoe without me and Dad. So, we were waiting for a bus (in Davis, still, for some reason). And....my neighbors were mutated monsters. The most distinct one I remember was a barf green monster whose legs had gotten amputated. That was creepy. Then, we were in Tahoe, and I was unpacking clothes. The pile never ended.
The end.
I know you're thinking "all dreams are crazy!" But no. Mine are REALLY crazy, often times disturbing. Here is some of them thus far...
~my cat died. as a rooster. and my dad ate her. as a nerds rope.
~my bath toys attacked me. then a giant toy troll tried to eat me.
~I ran from gangsters by driving numerous cars and motorcycles. and crashing them.
~my parents drove off a bridge, and it became a rollercoaster. then it crashed and i was hanging off the cliff. with only one hand.
~I was in a war, and an enemy soldier came in, and killed the general, leaving just him and me. We fought, I stabbed him through the back of the neck, and sliced his throat. I was about to turn him over to find id to tell his family when I woke up (I think it was triggered by reading "All Quiet on the Western Front" and "Letters from Iwo Jima")
~I was saying goodbye to my family the day before I knew I was going to go off and fight zombies alone. I somehow knew I was gonna die. This was REALLY sad.
~I was walking with my christian friends from church and fellowship. We were being persecuted, and people kept stepping on mines. And, yes, exploding. However, that didn't stop my friends from dancing around. I was scared for them, while thinking "they're idiots!!!". Sorry guys =[
Yeah. Crazy, right? And some quite disturbing, and some downright sad.
Anyways, here was the dream that I had during my nap this evening.
Lindsay and I were heading home from Davis, and we got reaaally lost. We were lost for hours, since it got dark. My dream spent a lot of time on me just feelings scared and hopeless. Then, we got found. Then, for some reason, everyone went to Tahoe without me and Dad. So, we were waiting for a bus (in Davis, still, for some reason). And....my neighbors were mutated monsters. The most distinct one I remember was a barf green monster whose legs had gotten amputated. That was creepy. Then, we were in Tahoe, and I was unpacking clothes. The pile never ended.
The end.
Brain Fart 18: Communications 101
So, a few people like to come to me for relationship help. I don't understand why. I've only been in one bf/gf relationship, and have, like, no experience. But what little I have learned, mostly from watching others, is that the key to any kind of interpersonal relationship, whether it be friendship, gf/bf, parent/child, or whatever else, is communication.
You HAVE to communicate. Tell each other what you're thinking, what you're feeling. This seems so obvious, and it is. But it's still so hard. People worry about how the other party is going to react, or they assume that nothing needs to be said, like it's already understood. It's not. People can't read minds. For example, in any relationship where a boy is "talking" to a girl, the guy may say "I like you." Then, for some reason or another,the girl starts feeling insecure, and wishes the guy to say it again. But, the guy doesn't think he needs to, because he's already said it. Well, time has passed, and feelings change. Everyone knows that. So maybe, not necessarily in a gushy, gross way, they should reassure that girl to let them know that the feelings are still there.
There is an infinite amount of possible feelings, thoughts, and reasons for doing things. But when you don't communicate, we tend to limit what those possibilities are, and make assumptions. Then, misunderstandings are born, and trust dies away. And trust is another vital key to successful relationships.
So, don't make assumptions.
JUST TALK.
You HAVE to communicate. Tell each other what you're thinking, what you're feeling. This seems so obvious, and it is. But it's still so hard. People worry about how the other party is going to react, or they assume that nothing needs to be said, like it's already understood. It's not. People can't read minds. For example, in any relationship where a boy is "talking" to a girl, the guy may say "I like you." Then, for some reason or another,the girl starts feeling insecure, and wishes the guy to say it again. But, the guy doesn't think he needs to, because he's already said it. Well, time has passed, and feelings change. Everyone knows that. So maybe, not necessarily in a gushy, gross way, they should reassure that girl to let them know that the feelings are still there.
There is an infinite amount of possible feelings, thoughts, and reasons for doing things. But when you don't communicate, we tend to limit what those possibilities are, and make assumptions. Then, misunderstandings are born, and trust dies away. And trust is another vital key to successful relationships.
So, don't make assumptions.
JUST TALK.
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