**Testimony of Winter Retreat 2010**
Why am I here? Why am I doing this? I’m too tired. I’m too busy. I don't feel like it. This is how I think oftentimes when it comes to anything about my faith – reading the Bible, going to church, praying, testimonies… These thoughts then turn to, Maybe I won’t do it right now. I can do it later. I can do it next time. You would think that I would feel guilty about skipping out on doing these types of things for my faith. And I did. But, I would then comfort myself by telling myself, Well, if you do this when you don’t want to, then it’s not from the heart, and that would just be going through the motion. God doesn’t want THAT. But then, all of a sudden, I realize that I haven’t done anything for the past six months, and that I have moved much farther away from God than I thought I had. Even at these times, im still saying the same excuses. well, I would have done my quiet times/gone to church/prayed, but I didn’t feel like it. God doesn’t want us to do these things without a willing heart. But, after retreat, I learned, through Pastor Jason, and through a bit of my own inner searching, that although God may not want an unwilling heart, he still appreciates the effort.
Pastor Jason talked about two main things: thirsting and struggling. At first, I thought that you had to thirst in order to struggle. You had to want Jesus before you could fight for Him. But, I have since learned that it works both ways. One of the games we played taught me this. It was called “Amazon Women.” (I think?) Basically, guys all linked up together while the girls tried to pull them apart within 15 minutes. It basically turned into a huge wrestling thing. Everyone ended up on the floor, there was pulling, pushing, head-butting, and even the occasional biting. It was long, and it was vicious. I personally targeted this group of around 5 or 6 guys. I stuck with that group the entire game. Disappointingly, there were still two guys at the end that I hadn’t been able to pull apart. I was proud of myself for not giving up the whole entire time, but I was just SO frustrated that I didn’t win.
Then, I realized, “wait. When did I start caring?” In the beginning, I didn’t really care. It was just another game we play at retreat. But, when I started, when I put myself in there and got involved in that long battle, and started struggling, that’s when I started caring, which kept me going. It surprised me that I didn’t start with caring, but with struggling. I guess, that’s how my faith is. I may not start my walk with Jesus by caring too much. It was mostly going through the motions, it was just for fun (seeing my friends at church, playing dodgeball, getting ice cream afterwards, etc). I know it sounds bad, but I think that’s how it happened for me. As just a motion, or maybe just for fun. But, I think God saw me there anyways, and He starts lighting a fire within me, my faith. Then, I started caring about my relationship with God, rather than just going through the motions. Of course, things slow me down. School, friends, work, life. Then, my relationship with God started turning back into simply motions. This is the part when I say, “God doesn’t want an unwilling heart,” and decided to skip out on church for the umpteenth time.
But.
He still wanted me to struggle, wrestle for Him. Like in the game, I struggled. I wrestled. For a long time. There were times when I asked myself, “why am I still trying? Isn’t there something better/more fun/easier to do than this?” I could have given up. Just said, “ok whatever you guys win.” But because I struggled, God gave me a passion to keep struggling even further, until the end of the 15 minutes. Well, God instilled the same passion on my relationship with Jesus. Because I struggled. I read the Bible. I sang worship songs. I prayed. And, I went to retreat. And at retreat, as pastor Jason introduced the topic of struggling, he told us the story of when Jacob wrestled God. God came to him, and wrestled him. Jacob didn’t know who He was, but he kept struggling throughout the entire night. At the end, Jacob knew it was God, and left feeling all the closer with Him. This is what happened with me, what is still happening to me. I didn’t really know God, but I went through the motions. I struggled. And I didn’t give up. And in the end, I came out with what I’d been looking for: my passion for God, my thirst.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Brain Fart 5: My Idea of a True Friend
**Originally written for my UWP 1 class blog**
Everyone has different ideas about what a "true" friend is. Is it someone who is always there for you? Is it someone who knows you backward and forward? Is it someone who you trust beyond all others? What is a "true" friend?
I was chatting with one of my closest, truest friend today. I was talking with him about his troubles, and I was having a very hard time with it. I just kept thinking, "Why can't I understand? I don't understand him, he is so...complicated!" At that moment, I made a realization. The only people I ever think are complicated or complex are people who I'm really close with, my "true" friends. "Well, that doesn't make sense," I thought to myself, "why is it the that the people most complicated to me are my closest friends? It should be the other way around!" But...maybe not.
We, as individuals, know that we ourselves are very complex creatures. We know our own life's story. We know what experiences we have been through, and how they have shaped our thought processes and personalities. Because so many things happen in life, these experiences create very complex personalities and thought processes. And, very often, we hide many of these complexities. We're embarrassed by them, are too hurt to share them, and/or think they won't accept them. In a way, it's very much like wearing clothes. We wear clothes to hide parts of ourselves that we're not sure we want other people to see, because we don't trust them to be able to handle our complexities. However, sometimes we find those true friends that we can shed our metaphorical clothes in front of and say, "Here I am, all of me," and trust them to accept us anyways.
However, we tend to forget that other people, our friends, are just like us--real people with real life experiences. We see them, and say, "Okay, that's them. That's all there is to see." We forget that these friends of ours are just like us, complexities included. However, we become closer and closer, until reaching "true" friend status, where we both start to trust each other enough to show our full "naked" selves. Then we start to realize that, yes, they also have lives. They have been living lives just like we have, have had experiences just as we have, been hurt and gone through hardships just as we have, and have been having their thought processes be shaped according to those unique experiences. Then, these life experience-shaped thought processes start leaking into our conversations, and we start seeing them as complex beings, just like ourselves. We may not always fully understand them, because their experiences are different from ours. However, if they are "true friends," you learn to accept that anyways, just as they learn to accept you, too, complexities and all.
So, I think "true" friends are the people that you acknowledge as actual, living people. You acknowledge that they have been living complex lives, just like you, and you accept them anyways (and vice versa), complexities and all.
Everyone has different ideas about what a "true" friend is. Is it someone who is always there for you? Is it someone who knows you backward and forward? Is it someone who you trust beyond all others? What is a "true" friend?
I was chatting with one of my closest, truest friend today. I was talking with him about his troubles, and I was having a very hard time with it. I just kept thinking, "Why can't I understand? I don't understand him, he is so...complicated!" At that moment, I made a realization. The only people I ever think are complicated or complex are people who I'm really close with, my "true" friends. "Well, that doesn't make sense," I thought to myself, "why is it the that the people most complicated to me are my closest friends? It should be the other way around!" But...maybe not.
We, as individuals, know that we ourselves are very complex creatures. We know our own life's story. We know what experiences we have been through, and how they have shaped our thought processes and personalities. Because so many things happen in life, these experiences create very complex personalities and thought processes. And, very often, we hide many of these complexities. We're embarrassed by them, are too hurt to share them, and/or think they won't accept them. In a way, it's very much like wearing clothes. We wear clothes to hide parts of ourselves that we're not sure we want other people to see, because we don't trust them to be able to handle our complexities. However, sometimes we find those true friends that we can shed our metaphorical clothes in front of and say, "Here I am, all of me," and trust them to accept us anyways.
However, we tend to forget that other people, our friends, are just like us--real people with real life experiences. We see them, and say, "Okay, that's them. That's all there is to see." We forget that these friends of ours are just like us, complexities included. However, we become closer and closer, until reaching "true" friend status, where we both start to trust each other enough to show our full "naked" selves. Then we start to realize that, yes, they also have lives. They have been living lives just like we have, have had experiences just as we have, been hurt and gone through hardships just as we have, and have been having their thought processes be shaped according to those unique experiences. Then, these life experience-shaped thought processes start leaking into our conversations, and we start seeing them as complex beings, just like ourselves. We may not always fully understand them, because their experiences are different from ours. However, if they are "true friends," you learn to accept that anyways, just as they learn to accept you, too, complexities and all.
So, I think "true" friends are the people that you acknowledge as actual, living people. You acknowledge that they have been living complex lives, just like you, and you accept them anyways (and vice versa), complexities and all.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Brain Fart 4: Rated V for Violent
I just don't get it. Why is it that violence is used so easily in tv shows, movies, and games, especially when compared to sex. Parents think, "Oh yeah, it's fine if they're watching people shoot each other in the face with guns, slice each other open with knives, and torture each other with things I can't even think of that they use in, oh, say, the Saw series." Oh yeah, sure it's "bad," but eventually, it's viewed as okay, sometimes awesome, or cool, or nowadays, "epic."
But not... dare I say it? Sex! "Oh no," say most parents, "my kids can't see this. That girl's breasts are showing! This is very inappropriate! Oh, but here, instead, they can watch this movie where the whole plot is to kill, kill, and kill. Or maybe, play a video game where my child is the person shooting at everyone."
People, parents, please get this straight. One day, when your child grows up, sex will be okay. It will be acceptable. It'll even be encouraged if given the time. But killing someone will NEVER be okay! We should really think about what we're teaching our children when we allow them, encourage them, to watch, and sometimes play the role of, someone killing another person. To me, it seems as though we are teaching them we'd rather have them kill, or in other words, hate, rather than have sex, also known as "making LOVE."
But not... dare I say it? Sex! "Oh no," say most parents, "my kids can't see this. That girl's breasts are showing! This is very inappropriate! Oh, but here, instead, they can watch this movie where the whole plot is to kill, kill, and kill. Or maybe, play a video game where my child is the person shooting at everyone."
People, parents, please get this straight. One day, when your child grows up, sex will be okay. It will be acceptable. It'll even be encouraged if given the time. But killing someone will NEVER be okay! We should really think about what we're teaching our children when we allow them, encourage them, to watch, and sometimes play the role of, someone killing another person. To me, it seems as though we are teaching them we'd rather have them kill, or in other words, hate, rather than have sex, also known as "making LOVE."
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Brain Fart 3: The Non-Twin
My older sister. I sometimes just feel so jealous of her. I know it's stupid, but I sometimes feel like I'm being compared to her, and she is always better.
She is smarter. She can be sad she got an A- because she didn't study for her final. I'm glad I got a B+ because I studied so hard.
She's better at being a girl. She's better at fashion, hair, make up, skin care. That's my own fault for not really caring until now. But I still feel like it comes easier to her.
She has a better part time job. I worked at Target for the $8 minimum wage. I took this job because my mom and grandpa wanted me to get it as quickly as possible. She waits out until "rush week" for frats are over. She then is picky about her job. She scores a job at Hanspree and makes WAY for money than me.
Her personality is more likeable. I'm just not that into all the fads today. I don't know artists or even song names. Same with movie stars. Common sense and manners seem to come more easily to her than it does me. I'm socially awkward. She's popular. I always make some sort of social mistake.
She is just more liked. I may be the "well-behaved" one. But, that's ending soon since, hey, what can I say? I'm a teenage girl. Even then, while I'm well-behaved, she's the more passionate and affectionate one it seems. People just seem to like her. They see her faults and her mistakes, and like her more for it. It's because she has more character. I don't always know how to react to the parents' doting. So I seem cold and distant. Maybe I am. But she's always...warm. She seems to connect with the parents better than me.
I know this is lame. I shouldn't compare myself to her like this. She's my sister, and I love her, as I'm sure she loves me. I'm sure she can think of things I'm better at than her. I can probably think of a few things if I try. It just seems like the things that will get you places in life all come more easily to her. Which makes me sad.
but just sometimes.
She is smarter. She can be sad she got an A- because she didn't study for her final. I'm glad I got a B+ because I studied so hard.
She's better at being a girl. She's better at fashion, hair, make up, skin care. That's my own fault for not really caring until now. But I still feel like it comes easier to her.
She has a better part time job. I worked at Target for the $8 minimum wage. I took this job because my mom and grandpa wanted me to get it as quickly as possible. She waits out until "rush week" for frats are over. She then is picky about her job. She scores a job at Hanspree and makes WAY for money than me.
Her personality is more likeable. I'm just not that into all the fads today. I don't know artists or even song names. Same with movie stars. Common sense and manners seem to come more easily to her than it does me. I'm socially awkward. She's popular. I always make some sort of social mistake.
She is just more liked. I may be the "well-behaved" one. But, that's ending soon since, hey, what can I say? I'm a teenage girl. Even then, while I'm well-behaved, she's the more passionate and affectionate one it seems. People just seem to like her. They see her faults and her mistakes, and like her more for it. It's because she has more character. I don't always know how to react to the parents' doting. So I seem cold and distant. Maybe I am. But she's always...warm. She seems to connect with the parents better than me.
I know this is lame. I shouldn't compare myself to her like this. She's my sister, and I love her, as I'm sure she loves me. I'm sure she can think of things I'm better at than her. I can probably think of a few things if I try. It just seems like the things that will get you places in life all come more easily to her. Which makes me sad.
but just sometimes.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Brain Fart 2: Giving the Benefit of a Doubt
It's a great thing. It can prevent misunderstandings. It is something you hope others to give you. It is something you should give to others. However, it is not the main point of this blog, it's just that I couldn't think of a better title.
A few weeks ago, my friend Jay and I were chatting online. I had said something about him (I don't remember what by now) that was not meant to be offensive. However, before I had the chance to elaborate, he automatically said something along the lines of, "Really? Come on, I thought you'd know me better by now." At the time, I just scurried to clarify so as not to make him mad. The same exact thing happened about a week later. Then, it started occurring to me, "Really? Come on, I thought you'd know ME better by now." He keeps getting mad at me because he thinks I'm assuming the worst of him. But, it seems like HE's the one assuming the worst of ME.
Then, tonight, I was talking to Louie* online. I had told him that if I had had the choice back then, I probably would have chosen to not have liked him. He got all in a puff thinking I was saying he was a bad guy. When in reality, I only meant that it was a bad time for me to pursue him, seeing as he was dealing with other things. After clarifying, I jokingly typed, "jeez, Louie*, don't you know me better than that?" He apologized immediately, but it still kind of bugs me that he so easily thought I would "paint him in a bad light." I've always been a pretty good friend to him. How could he so easily think I'm such a bad friend? I was debating whether I should be openly angry with him about it. But something seemed wrong with doing that, so I decided to just sign off and take a shower.
While I was taking a shower, I thought it all through. Sure, it kind of hurt me to know that Louie could so easily see me as a bad friend. So could Jay. They automatically assumed the worst of what I was saying, they didn't give me the benefit of a doubt. However, after taking a step back, I realized that I could be doing the same thing they are, and assuming the worst of them. So I took a farther step back, and realized that Louie might not have been assuming the worst of me personally, but rather, it's just that he's had problems of people painting him in a bad light, so he's gotten sensitive to anything that sounds like that. Realizing this, I knew I had also forgotten to give him the benefit of a doubt. So now, I'll try tonot assume the worst of what people do or say, but rather give them the benefit of a doubt. Then, if I want to, I can ask them to clarify what they mean, instead of getting all butthurt from their actions, which probably weren't meant to hurt me in the first place. Good idea, no?
*Not their real name
A few weeks ago, my friend Jay and I were chatting online. I had said something about him (I don't remember what by now) that was not meant to be offensive. However, before I had the chance to elaborate, he automatically said something along the lines of, "Really? Come on, I thought you'd know me better by now." At the time, I just scurried to clarify so as not to make him mad. The same exact thing happened about a week later. Then, it started occurring to me, "Really? Come on, I thought you'd know ME better by now." He keeps getting mad at me because he thinks I'm assuming the worst of him. But, it seems like HE's the one assuming the worst of ME.
Then, tonight, I was talking to Louie* online. I had told him that if I had had the choice back then, I probably would have chosen to not have liked him. He got all in a puff thinking I was saying he was a bad guy. When in reality, I only meant that it was a bad time for me to pursue him, seeing as he was dealing with other things. After clarifying, I jokingly typed, "jeez, Louie*, don't you know me better than that?" He apologized immediately, but it still kind of bugs me that he so easily thought I would "paint him in a bad light." I've always been a pretty good friend to him. How could he so easily think I'm such a bad friend? I was debating whether I should be openly angry with him about it. But something seemed wrong with doing that, so I decided to just sign off and take a shower.
While I was taking a shower, I thought it all through. Sure, it kind of hurt me to know that Louie could so easily see me as a bad friend. So could Jay. They automatically assumed the worst of what I was saying, they didn't give me the benefit of a doubt. However, after taking a step back, I realized that I could be doing the same thing they are, and assuming the worst of them. So I took a farther step back, and realized that Louie might not have been assuming the worst of me personally, but rather, it's just that he's had problems of people painting him in a bad light, so he's gotten sensitive to anything that sounds like that. Realizing this, I knew I had also forgotten to give him the benefit of a doubt. So now, I'll try tonot assume the worst of what people do or say, but rather give them the benefit of a doubt. Then, if I want to, I can ask them to clarify what they mean, instead of getting all butthurt from their actions, which probably weren't meant to hurt me in the first place. Good idea, no?
*Not their real name
Brain Fart 1: Scars of the Heart
Trying to figure out a few things. Imagine a person walking around with a scar. Going through life just staring at that scar. Complaining about it, whining about it, crying over it, even though the event and pain that caused the scar is already over. Silly, right? Well, imagine the same scenario, only the scar isn’t on his body, but on his heart. Isn’t that just as bad? Just as stupid? If a person walked around staring at their scar on their hand all day, wouldn’t they be in danger of walking into a wall, ending in another scar? It seems so obvious in that sort of scenario, but when it comes to scars of the heart, that end result is just as possible, even if not as obvious.
So many people walk around carrying scars on their hearts. Every person has scars. Every scar has a story behind it, along with pain. Both have gone by now. However, some people cannot let it go, refuse to let it go. Therefore, they go through life with their mind always on their scar. Every situation in life links back to that scar somehow. For me, my scar is of not being accepted, of being ignored, of being lonely. In my childhood, I had lousy friends. But now, those people are out of my life, and I have moved onto people who are my real friends. But, because of this scar, I was always afraid of it happening again. I stared at my past. Crying over it, complaining, whining. And because of that, because I refused to take my eyes off my scar, I ran into a wall. I was so paranoid of my past happening again, and I went to lengths to try and prevent. In trying to prevent it, I caused it. Once again, my friends weren’t so friendly anymore. And I gained a new scar. I want to blame it on the thing that caused my first scar, but that's a lie. That cause is gone now. The reason for my new scar is myself.
Louie* is like this, too, as I’m sure many others are. He says he got over his scars, as I claimed before, too. But he’s not. Instead of staring at his scar out of fear, he stares at his scar to say “you don’t hurt me anymore. In your face.” And yet, he still trips up. Because his focus is still surrounding his scar, everything he does still has to do with his scars. Proving everyone wrong, being “epic,” is all because of the scars his mom left him of a fear of failure. Believing himself to be a “great lover,” although never finding another girl, all because of losing Tessa*, and the scar that accompanied that.
I want to stop staring at my scars. Stop feeling pity for myself. Stop blaming Miley*, Mona*, etc for the problems with the friends I have now. Not trying to belittle the events and pains of the past, because those hurts are valid. But they are OF THE PAST. The problems that arise now have nothing to do with them. You can’t blame the cat that scratched you 5 years ago for the scratch you got from another cat that you stepped on. Therefore, my problems now are my own fault for tripping over my own feet as my eyes were not on the path ahead of me, but on my scars.
*Not their real name
So many people walk around carrying scars on their hearts. Every person has scars. Every scar has a story behind it, along with pain. Both have gone by now. However, some people cannot let it go, refuse to let it go. Therefore, they go through life with their mind always on their scar. Every situation in life links back to that scar somehow. For me, my scar is of not being accepted, of being ignored, of being lonely. In my childhood, I had lousy friends. But now, those people are out of my life, and I have moved onto people who are my real friends. But, because of this scar, I was always afraid of it happening again. I stared at my past. Crying over it, complaining, whining. And because of that, because I refused to take my eyes off my scar, I ran into a wall. I was so paranoid of my past happening again, and I went to lengths to try and prevent. In trying to prevent it, I caused it. Once again, my friends weren’t so friendly anymore. And I gained a new scar. I want to blame it on the thing that caused my first scar, but that's a lie. That cause is gone now. The reason for my new scar is myself.
Louie* is like this, too, as I’m sure many others are. He says he got over his scars, as I claimed before, too. But he’s not. Instead of staring at his scar out of fear, he stares at his scar to say “you don’t hurt me anymore. In your face.” And yet, he still trips up. Because his focus is still surrounding his scar, everything he does still has to do with his scars. Proving everyone wrong, being “epic,” is all because of the scars his mom left him of a fear of failure. Believing himself to be a “great lover,” although never finding another girl, all because of losing Tessa*, and the scar that accompanied that.
I want to stop staring at my scars. Stop feeling pity for myself. Stop blaming Miley*, Mona*, etc for the problems with the friends I have now. Not trying to belittle the events and pains of the past, because those hurts are valid. But they are OF THE PAST. The problems that arise now have nothing to do with them. You can’t blame the cat that scratched you 5 years ago for the scratch you got from another cat that you stepped on. Therefore, my problems now are my own fault for tripping over my own feet as my eyes were not on the path ahead of me, but on my scars.
*Not their real name
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