Brain Fart 16: Toy Story of my Life

Once upon a time, in a land not too far away from here, in a time not too long ago, there was this girl. Her name is Loko. She had a crush on this guy. The guy said he had a crush on her. Then, all of a sudden, his profile read "In A Relationship." Not with Loko. Loko was really angry, and probably quite hurt, so she ran to Cojo and told her the story. Cojo replied, "Heh. Story of my life."

I am Cojo. And that has been the story of my life thus far, a toy story. The most recent chapter of my life was a small one, but it's what triggered my thoughts of toys. Basically, there was this guy, Shika-sempai. We met, we got along pretty well. We flirted. He told me he was interested in me, but was not looking for a girlfriend. I was interested in him, but not as long as he wasn't serious. So I just let it go, but we still flirted and whatnot. Then one day, I see him walking across the quad holding hands with a girl. I texted him, and he told me he had a girlfriend. You know, the one he didn't want, and wasn't looking for.

This was a small chapter, but it's what triggered my brain fart explosion. It made me think back to when we were chatting about what we were to each other. I remember how he had told me he was interested in me, but wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I remember thinking, "then, what the heck do you want from me?" And now, I can only think that he saw me as a (and this is where I came up with the analogy) "toy." I was a toy that he could just play with, because I was cute, or fun to play with, or whatever. And then, when I wasn't needed, he could just drop me.

And that's what a toy is. A toy is something that is cute, fun to play with, always there, comforting, or maybe all of the above. And that is what I have been to not just Shika-sempai, but to many guys before. I was a toy when they were bored, just looking to play, or sometimes, I was used in place of a "real" girl. Some guys used me when the girl they liked did not like them back, or, even worse, if their relationship with a girl wasn't fun enough or good enough for them. Yeah, that's right. Guys with girlfriends have "played with" me, too. And that doesn't make me feel bad for just me, but I feel even worse for that girl. But then, eventually, they lost their need for me, and I got dropped. Like a toy. Thinking back, I can count at least 7 or 8 guys who have made me their toy.

And maybe that is why I have not been in a relationship since my freshman year of high school (for the record, my boyfriend didn't pull crap like that on me. he was great). Most people who know me probably can tell that when it comes to guys, I tend to pull away. I hate admitting to liking anyone. If I find out they like me, whether or not I like them back, I tend to distance myself. I always wondered why I did that, because it's quite frustrating, even for myself. I realize, it's because I'm scared. In my mind, I'm just waiting for them to drop me like a toy. Therefore, if I distance myself, when they drop me, it'll be okay. Because if I distance myself, if I never admit to liking them, then I don't have to admit that I was hurt by them.

I always told my sister that when a guy hurts me, I act like it doesn't bother me, because if I act like I'm okay, then I'll be okay faster. Although that may be true, it's not the complete truth until I add in that I also do it to save my dignity. It goes back from Brain Fart 15. I reaaallly hate showing my weaknesses. But, here it is.

Everytime a guy has used me as a toy, whether he meant to or not, whether I liked him or only saw him as a friend, it has hurt me to some degree. And added up, it has left a serious scar on me, enough to make me scared to trust anyone, to like anyone. It may have even prevented me from falling in love up to now. Thanks a bunch.

So, here's a couple of my favorite songs to sum up my feelings.
To the boys out there who are just trying to play:






To the world in general:

Brain Fart 15: My Delicate Side

I'm baack!!
Sorry I was away for so long. The excuse in my head is that I had nothing to write about. That's a lie. Of course I have things on my mind, I think too much!! The real reason is because I know my family has started reading my blog. I just realized this, but I have a real hard time opening up to them. It's not their fault. They have never given me any reason to feel like I cannot open myself up, and be myself, towards them. Ever.

Ok, well maybe there was something. I mean, there was that time I made a fool of myself in Disneyland, and they laughed at me. That made me cry. But that was a long time ago!! Oh. But then, there's also the fact that we seem to have a "always be strong" family motto. People get teased for being "delicate" or "sensitive" or "corny." So, I guess that kinda scared me into being "strong" as a kid. But, like I said, it's not their fault that I cannot completely open myself to them. My sister does. All the time.

The real problem lies with my own self-made rule that I cannot be weak. I think I hate to see people pity me. For example, when plans I had made with friends got cancelled by the other party, I would always make some bs lie about it to my parents, maybe that I didn't feel like going out, or that I had never made plans, just so they wouldn't feel bad for me. Then, one time, when I was on a church retreat, I went boulder-hopping with some friends. Basically, boulder-hopping is my worst nightmare: heights, climbing, and spiders. So, you guessed it, I had an almost-meltdown. I had reached my limit, and I was about to cry. My friend, Glory** (not their real name), tried to comfort me. That made it worse. I started freaking out, telling, begging her not to comfort me. I did NOT want to cry in front of them. In the end, I even had to yell at her to stop talking, sit on my own boulder facing away from everyone, and just calm myself. (btw, sorry for yelling you at that time, Glory!)

I guess, I just really hate to see my own weakness. I feel like, if I see it, I admit my own defeat. I don't want to do that. Somehow, I feel like if I can just trick everyone to think I'm fine, then I can trick myself, and I can save some dignity. But, if they see it, then they pity me, and I feel like I'm a failure. Yeah. I know it's stupid. But that's what it is. That's why I was so...cautious when I found out my family read my blogs. But...no more. It's time for me to grow up a little, and start realizing that, sometimes, life hurts me, and it's ok to show that.

Brain Fart 14: As Long As You Love Me

As I was walking my dog the other day, I was listening to my ipod, when one of my favorite songs came on:
"As Long As You Love Me"

Everyone knows that song by the Backstreet Boys. Why? Because it's freakin awesome! I also think there's something to the lyrics that is very intriguing to the reader. The chorus goes like this (you should sing along):

I don't care who you are,
where you're from,
don't care what you did
as long as you love me.

Pretty awesome right? I think those lyrics make us go "awwww" inside, because we like the idea that someone could love us so... unconditionally. However, I used to think those lyrics were stupid. I couldn't help but think, "Wow, that's really dumb of them. As long as that person loves you, you can accept everything about them? How could you possibly love someone, even if they did something REALLY bad?"

Well, of course, I forgot about a certain someone who COULD do that, and DOES do that. With everyone, all the time. Even me, even you. Of course, that person is God. Of course, He is not just a person, but I use it for lack of a better term. Anyways, He is the one who shows everyone the type of unconditional love described in the chorus of this popular song. Even when we cheat, lie, hurt each other, etc, He loves us so much, and all He asks of us in return is that we love Him.
So, now I realize that those lyrics aren't so dumb afterall. In fact, I hope to eventually be able to love people the same way that God does, and not judge someone before I love them. I won't ever be that good, but that won't stop me from trying anyways, and when it comes to God, I think A is definitely for effort.

Anyways, I just thought that was a cool thought I had the other day =]

Brain Fart 13: Mental Attraction

"What kind of person do you like?"

We have all been asked this question. And, we all know that there are two parts to this question: appearance and personality. While the answers to the appearance part may be quite diverse, I feel like we all answer the personality question the same way. It's usually something like, "He has to be smart, nice, and funny..." etc. I mean, what else can we say? "Oh I like myself someone really mean, creepy, boring, and stupid." I don't think so.

Then, almost everyone answers using the same three or four adjectives. However, that is too general. No one is just "smart, nice, and funny." If that were the case, then no one would end up dating the jerks that we all know so many of our friends to do. To answer the "personality" question, it would be better to use more specific adjectives. But, if we do that, then there are too many choices to choose from. Why? Because people are not storybook characters. We are complex beings living our lives, constantly being faced with different experiences, and constantly being shaped by those experiences. As a result, there are so many personality traits that a person may have, there is an almost infinite amount of choices to choose from, and sometimes almost and infinite amount of personality traits that a person may carry.

Today, someone asked me that question. "What kind of person do you like?" I was able to answer the appearance part. As for the personality part, I said, "If I knew that, don't you think I would have a boyfriend already?" I was a little shocked with myself for saying this, but I guess this is true. I know what I like when it comes to appearances, and there have been plenty of guys that fit the description. And most of them were nice, smart, and funny. So why aren't I dating any of them? I don't know the exact answer, all I know is that I just was/am not interested. There must be some personality trait that I am looking for that they lack. Or maybe they have a trait that I don't like. So, I guess all I can say is, as for personality, I won't know what I am looking for until I find it.

Brain Fart 12: Why God?

"Why are you a Christian?"

When I read this on my FormSpring, I didn't really know what to say. It felt like a really loaded question. Were they asking for my spiritual life's story? Did they want to know which facts lead me to believe that God and Jesus are real? What kind of answer were they looking for? I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "Because it is what I believe." But, I felt bad, because I was fairly certain that whoever asked me this question was looking for a more elaborate answer. I'm still not sure what it is that they want to know, but hopefully what I write here holds the answer that he/she was looking for. To that person, this is for you.

I have been labeled as a Christian for as long as I can remember. When I was a small child, I went to church with my parents. However, some things happened, and I found myself going between two churches. Because of this, I was never really able to get close to any of the other children in Sunday school. Church became something of a painful experience for me. I gave up on going to church, but remained going to an annual summer church camp, called Youth Camp. That was where my true faith began. As a result of God's love, shown through the sermons of certain guest speakers, I realized that my "faith" from my childhood was nothing but words, and that my true faith had begun. I truly loved God, and the grace and love that He was constantly showing me. I started going to church again, a little at a time. In my senior year of high school, I got baptized. It took me a long time to decide to do so, because I was afraid that I was not worthy enough to be baptized. I refused to get baptized until I realized that a baptism was merely the confession of my love for God, and in no way meant that I was claiming myself to by perfect, because that will never be.

After high school, my next big miracle was finding the Asian American Christian Fellowship (AACF) in UC Davis. AACF was such a blessing to me. I was able to build a much stronger foundation for my faith through this group of amazing people. However, that does not mean that I'm not still struggling with my faith. Being a Christian is hard work. There are certain things a Christian should do (pray, read the Bible, do daily devotions, etc.) that I was never really raised to do. It takes a lot of discipline to keep up with all of these things, discipline which I am still struggling to make myself gain. Then, there are the things that a Christian should NOT do (lie, cheat, gossip, etc.), that I have a hard time letting go of. Trying to do all this, it is like an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes, when I feel like I have it right, I feel so great, and so blessed. But when I mess up, I feel like I'm far from God, and I feel so low.

So why am I a Christian? Why God? Why do I put myself through that emotional rollercoaster? Simply, because I love God. I love Him for all that He does for me. When my love for Him isn't even a fraction of how much He loves me, He showers me with His love and grace. He even sent down His one and only son, as innocent as a lamb, to be killed under the weight of my sins, the sins of my past, and the ones that I have yet to commit, all so that I may live. Because of His love for me, I wish to love and glorify Him as much as I can. Although I will never be as perfect, I wish to use Jesus as a role model, to live my life loving and gloryifing Him, and shedding light to others so that they may love Him, too.

I'm sorry if my answer is not the answer you were looking for. If what you were looking for are the facts that prove the existence of God and Jesus, I'm not sure if I can give you that answer. It would be best to ask a pastor. All I can tell you is that I believe it.

Brain Fart 11: Because I Care

Today was a long day. I had back to back language classes in the morning, and dance practice until late. I come home to relax. I am watching an asian drama to help myself unwind from the long day before heading into homework. Then, Glory** comes home. She's pissed. She goes to her room, changes into running clothes, and promptly leaves again. I know what's going on. Glasses** upset her again. I called him up to ask what happened, and it's more or less more of the same. It's been the same crap for the past Idon'tevenknowhowlong. I'm a little worried that Glory is out running so late, but I trust that she'll be okay. I wait for her to come home. When she comes through the door, we start. She tells me what happened, which is basically everything that has been going on. I'm on my computer at the same time doing homework, hoping to multitask and to not have to stay up too late. At this point in time, I don't really know how to help her anymore. I'm trying to give her advice, but she turns it all down, saying it's useless. And then, she mumbles loud enough for me to hear, "It's not like you care..."

What the crap. I've been with her through the whole fricking time she's liked this stupid boy. I've had countless conversations with her, trying to help her out. I've talked to Glasses to try to get them to cooperate with each other. I've ran around in the rain at night looking for her to make sure she was okay. I stood in between her and Glasses, in the cold, as I got them to finally be honest with each other. How could she possibly say that I don't care?? I know that she was probably just in a bad mood, and took it out on me, but honestly, it ticked me off. It made me not want to talk to her, but I still made the effort to hear her out, and let her talk out her feelings, because I care.

She's not even the only one who has done this. There have been other times when people have accused me of not caring about them and their problems. I find it a bit amusing that they usually accuse me of this during the time when I am trying to be there for them. I realize it's not all their fault, though. Sometimes, I may not respond too often. However, this is because...well, simply...sometimes I just don't know how to respond. I've had very limited experiences in this life I have lived so far. Sometimes, I'm at a loss at what to say, whether for advice, or for comfort. So, when I don't say anything, they usually jump at me saying that "I don't care."

I realize that they probably don't truly mean it. However, it still bothers me. I have problems of my own. So, here I am dealing with my own crap, trying to help them out with theirs, and listening to them accuse me of not caring about them. That makes me feel unappreciated and taken for granted, and that's not cool.

Brain Fart 10: To An Honest Friend

"Honestly, that blog was about you," you told me. That blog that was titled "Honestly." You had this triumphant little smirk on your face, happy with yourself for being so clever, as you walked down the stairs without waiting for a respond, and as I stood there, torn.

It did not take too long to figure myself out. I used to like you. A lot. Enough to make me waiver when you told me, "I could totally see myself with you," a year and a half after our "talking" ended. But, even though I could also see myself being with you, and even making it work, it does not mean that I like you, and I don't. Which makes me wonder, do you like me? Or is it just because I care so much for you (as a friend), and because I make the effort to show you I give a damn? It would be better if that was the case, otherwise it would make me sad to have to tell you it won't work this time, and that your chance is over. Which would be really sad, because if you had told me just this past summer, I probably would have still had enough feelings for you to be able to reciprocate. But I don't anymore. I don't really know what kind of response you wanted. But this would be the one I'd give you.

But then, another blog is written. It's to your ex-girlfriend. It's about how it has been 3 years, and how she still has been on your mind everyday. I think, Well, It's a good thing I don't like you anymore, because that would have seriously hurt me." And it would have. I know this, because it has already happened to me before. While we were "talking." I liked you. You liked me. We had a thing going. But then, you would write these blogs about how this girl hurt you, but how you still love her, and how you still want her, and how you think about her everyday, and how no one has ever compared to her. Gee. Thanks. How did you think that made me feel? It seriously hurt me.

And, unless you get your act together, it will hurt the next girl you're with. And if you're not careful, it will hurt you, too. When you tell a girl you might want to be with her, and then blog about your ex, and how she's always on your mind, then that girl will be too hurt to want to be with you. Then, you'll be lonely.

I don't really know why I wrote all this. Maybe, I just wanted to let you know how hurt I was back then. Maybe, I want you to be good to the next girl. I don't want to see another girl in the same pain I was in. Maybe, I wanted to warn you, so that you may take care of yourself, and not dig yourself into a lonely grave. It's probably all of the above. Take care.

From,
An Equally Honest Friend