"What kind of person do you like?"
We have all been asked this question. And, we all know that there are two parts to this question: appearance and personality. While the answers to the appearance part may be quite diverse, I feel like we all answer the personality question the same way. It's usually something like, "He has to be smart, nice, and funny..." etc. I mean, what else can we say? "Oh I like myself someone really mean, creepy, boring, and stupid." I don't think so.
Then, almost everyone answers using the same three or four adjectives. However, that is too general. No one is just "smart, nice, and funny." If that were the case, then no one would end up dating the jerks that we all know so many of our friends to do. To answer the "personality" question, it would be better to use more specific adjectives. But, if we do that, then there are too many choices to choose from. Why? Because people are not storybook characters. We are complex beings living our lives, constantly being faced with different experiences, and constantly being shaped by those experiences. As a result, there are so many personality traits that a person may have, there is an almost infinite amount of choices to choose from, and sometimes almost and infinite amount of personality traits that a person may carry.
Today, someone asked me that question. "What kind of person do you like?" I was able to answer the appearance part. As for the personality part, I said, "If I knew that, don't you think I would have a boyfriend already?" I was a little shocked with myself for saying this, but I guess this is true. I know what I like when it comes to appearances, and there have been plenty of guys that fit the description. And most of them were nice, smart, and funny. So why aren't I dating any of them? I don't know the exact answer, all I know is that I just was/am not interested. There must be some personality trait that I am looking for that they lack. Or maybe they have a trait that I don't like. So, I guess all I can say is, as for personality, I won't know what I am looking for until I find it.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Brain Fart 12: Why God?
"Why are you a Christian?"
When I read this on my FormSpring, I didn't really know what to say. It felt like a really loaded question. Were they asking for my spiritual life's story? Did they want to know which facts lead me to believe that God and Jesus are real? What kind of answer were they looking for? I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "Because it is what I believe." But, I felt bad, because I was fairly certain that whoever asked me this question was looking for a more elaborate answer. I'm still not sure what it is that they want to know, but hopefully what I write here holds the answer that he/she was looking for. To that person, this is for you.
I have been labeled as a Christian for as long as I can remember. When I was a small child, I went to church with my parents. However, some things happened, and I found myself going between two churches. Because of this, I was never really able to get close to any of the other children in Sunday school. Church became something of a painful experience for me. I gave up on going to church, but remained going to an annual summer church camp, called Youth Camp. That was where my true faith began. As a result of God's love, shown through the sermons of certain guest speakers, I realized that my "faith" from my childhood was nothing but words, and that my true faith had begun. I truly loved God, and the grace and love that He was constantly showing me. I started going to church again, a little at a time. In my senior year of high school, I got baptized. It took me a long time to decide to do so, because I was afraid that I was not worthy enough to be baptized. I refused to get baptized until I realized that a baptism was merely the confession of my love for God, and in no way meant that I was claiming myself to by perfect, because that will never be.
After high school, my next big miracle was finding the Asian American Christian Fellowship (AACF) in UC Davis. AACF was such a blessing to me. I was able to build a much stronger foundation for my faith through this group of amazing people. However, that does not mean that I'm not still struggling with my faith. Being a Christian is hard work. There are certain things a Christian should do (pray, read the Bible, do daily devotions, etc.) that I was never really raised to do. It takes a lot of discipline to keep up with all of these things, discipline which I am still struggling to make myself gain. Then, there are the things that a Christian should NOT do (lie, cheat, gossip, etc.), that I have a hard time letting go of. Trying to do all this, it is like an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes, when I feel like I have it right, I feel so great, and so blessed. But when I mess up, I feel like I'm far from God, and I feel so low.
So why am I a Christian? Why God? Why do I put myself through that emotional rollercoaster? Simply, because I love God. I love Him for all that He does for me. When my love for Him isn't even a fraction of how much He loves me, He showers me with His love and grace. He even sent down His one and only son, as innocent as a lamb, to be killed under the weight of my sins, the sins of my past, and the ones that I have yet to commit, all so that I may live. Because of His love for me, I wish to love and glorify Him as much as I can. Although I will never be as perfect, I wish to use Jesus as a role model, to live my life loving and gloryifing Him, and shedding light to others so that they may love Him, too.
I'm sorry if my answer is not the answer you were looking for. If what you were looking for are the facts that prove the existence of God and Jesus, I'm not sure if I can give you that answer. It would be best to ask a pastor. All I can tell you is that I believe it.
When I read this on my FormSpring, I didn't really know what to say. It felt like a really loaded question. Were they asking for my spiritual life's story? Did they want to know which facts lead me to believe that God and Jesus are real? What kind of answer were they looking for? I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "Because it is what I believe." But, I felt bad, because I was fairly certain that whoever asked me this question was looking for a more elaborate answer. I'm still not sure what it is that they want to know, but hopefully what I write here holds the answer that he/she was looking for. To that person, this is for you.
I have been labeled as a Christian for as long as I can remember. When I was a small child, I went to church with my parents. However, some things happened, and I found myself going between two churches. Because of this, I was never really able to get close to any of the other children in Sunday school. Church became something of a painful experience for me. I gave up on going to church, but remained going to an annual summer church camp, called Youth Camp. That was where my true faith began. As a result of God's love, shown through the sermons of certain guest speakers, I realized that my "faith" from my childhood was nothing but words, and that my true faith had begun. I truly loved God, and the grace and love that He was constantly showing me. I started going to church again, a little at a time. In my senior year of high school, I got baptized. It took me a long time to decide to do so, because I was afraid that I was not worthy enough to be baptized. I refused to get baptized until I realized that a baptism was merely the confession of my love for God, and in no way meant that I was claiming myself to by perfect, because that will never be.
After high school, my next big miracle was finding the Asian American Christian Fellowship (AACF) in UC Davis. AACF was such a blessing to me. I was able to build a much stronger foundation for my faith through this group of amazing people. However, that does not mean that I'm not still struggling with my faith. Being a Christian is hard work. There are certain things a Christian should do (pray, read the Bible, do daily devotions, etc.) that I was never really raised to do. It takes a lot of discipline to keep up with all of these things, discipline which I am still struggling to make myself gain. Then, there are the things that a Christian should NOT do (lie, cheat, gossip, etc.), that I have a hard time letting go of. Trying to do all this, it is like an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes, when I feel like I have it right, I feel so great, and so blessed. But when I mess up, I feel like I'm far from God, and I feel so low.
So why am I a Christian? Why God? Why do I put myself through that emotional rollercoaster? Simply, because I love God. I love Him for all that He does for me. When my love for Him isn't even a fraction of how much He loves me, He showers me with His love and grace. He even sent down His one and only son, as innocent as a lamb, to be killed under the weight of my sins, the sins of my past, and the ones that I have yet to commit, all so that I may live. Because of His love for me, I wish to love and glorify Him as much as I can. Although I will never be as perfect, I wish to use Jesus as a role model, to live my life loving and gloryifing Him, and shedding light to others so that they may love Him, too.
I'm sorry if my answer is not the answer you were looking for. If what you were looking for are the facts that prove the existence of God and Jesus, I'm not sure if I can give you that answer. It would be best to ask a pastor. All I can tell you is that I believe it.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Brain Fart 11: Because I Care
Today was a long day. I had back to back language classes in the morning, and dance practice until late. I come home to relax. I am watching an asian drama to help myself unwind from the long day before heading into homework. Then, Glory** comes home. She's pissed. She goes to her room, changes into running clothes, and promptly leaves again. I know what's going on. Glasses** upset her again. I called him up to ask what happened, and it's more or less more of the same. It's been the same crap for the past Idon'tevenknowhowlong. I'm a little worried that Glory is out running so late, but I trust that she'll be okay. I wait for her to come home. When she comes through the door, we start. She tells me what happened, which is basically everything that has been going on. I'm on my computer at the same time doing homework, hoping to multitask and to not have to stay up too late. At this point in time, I don't really know how to help her anymore. I'm trying to give her advice, but she turns it all down, saying it's useless. And then, she mumbles loud enough for me to hear, "It's not like you care..."
What the crap. I've been with her through the whole fricking time she's liked this stupid boy. I've had countless conversations with her, trying to help her out. I've talked to Glasses to try to get them to cooperate with each other. I've ran around in the rain at night looking for her to make sure she was okay. I stood in between her and Glasses, in the cold, as I got them to finally be honest with each other. How could she possibly say that I don't care?? I know that she was probably just in a bad mood, and took it out on me, but honestly, it ticked me off. It made me not want to talk to her, but I still made the effort to hear her out, and let her talk out her feelings, because I care.
She's not even the only one who has done this. There have been other times when people have accused me of not caring about them and their problems. I find it a bit amusing that they usually accuse me of this during the time when I am trying to be there for them. I realize it's not all their fault, though. Sometimes, I may not respond too often. However, this is because...well, simply...sometimes I just don't know how to respond. I've had very limited experiences in this life I have lived so far. Sometimes, I'm at a loss at what to say, whether for advice, or for comfort. So, when I don't say anything, they usually jump at me saying that "I don't care."
I realize that they probably don't truly mean it. However, it still bothers me. I have problems of my own. So, here I am dealing with my own crap, trying to help them out with theirs, and listening to them accuse me of not caring about them. That makes me feel unappreciated and taken for granted, and that's not cool.
What the crap. I've been with her through the whole fricking time she's liked this stupid boy. I've had countless conversations with her, trying to help her out. I've talked to Glasses to try to get them to cooperate with each other. I've ran around in the rain at night looking for her to make sure she was okay. I stood in between her and Glasses, in the cold, as I got them to finally be honest with each other. How could she possibly say that I don't care?? I know that she was probably just in a bad mood, and took it out on me, but honestly, it ticked me off. It made me not want to talk to her, but I still made the effort to hear her out, and let her talk out her feelings, because I care.
She's not even the only one who has done this. There have been other times when people have accused me of not caring about them and their problems. I find it a bit amusing that they usually accuse me of this during the time when I am trying to be there for them. I realize it's not all their fault, though. Sometimes, I may not respond too often. However, this is because...well, simply...sometimes I just don't know how to respond. I've had very limited experiences in this life I have lived so far. Sometimes, I'm at a loss at what to say, whether for advice, or for comfort. So, when I don't say anything, they usually jump at me saying that "I don't care."
I realize that they probably don't truly mean it. However, it still bothers me. I have problems of my own. So, here I am dealing with my own crap, trying to help them out with theirs, and listening to them accuse me of not caring about them. That makes me feel unappreciated and taken for granted, and that's not cool.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Brain Fart 10: To An Honest Friend
"Honestly, that blog was about you," you told me. That blog that was titled "Honestly." You had this triumphant little smirk on your face, happy with yourself for being so clever, as you walked down the stairs without waiting for a respond, and as I stood there, torn.
It did not take too long to figure myself out. I used to like you. A lot. Enough to make me waiver when you told me, "I could totally see myself with you," a year and a half after our "talking" ended. But, even though I could also see myself being with you, and even making it work, it does not mean that I like you, and I don't. Which makes me wonder, do you like me? Or is it just because I care so much for you (as a friend), and because I make the effort to show you I give a damn? It would be better if that was the case, otherwise it would make me sad to have to tell you it won't work this time, and that your chance is over. Which would be really sad, because if you had told me just this past summer, I probably would have still had enough feelings for you to be able to reciprocate. But I don't anymore. I don't really know what kind of response you wanted. But this would be the one I'd give you.
But then, another blog is written. It's to your ex-girlfriend. It's about how it has been 3 years, and how she still has been on your mind everyday. I think, Well, It's a good thing I don't like you anymore, because that would have seriously hurt me." And it would have. I know this, because it has already happened to me before. While we were "talking." I liked you. You liked me. We had a thing going. But then, you would write these blogs about how this girl hurt you, but how you still love her, and how you still want her, and how you think about her everyday, and how no one has ever compared to her. Gee. Thanks. How did you think that made me feel? It seriously hurt me.
And, unless you get your act together, it will hurt the next girl you're with. And if you're not careful, it will hurt you, too. When you tell a girl you might want to be with her, and then blog about your ex, and how she's always on your mind, then that girl will be too hurt to want to be with you. Then, you'll be lonely.
I don't really know why I wrote all this. Maybe, I just wanted to let you know how hurt I was back then. Maybe, I want you to be good to the next girl. I don't want to see another girl in the same pain I was in. Maybe, I wanted to warn you, so that you may take care of yourself, and not dig yourself into a lonely grave. It's probably all of the above. Take care.
From,
An Equally Honest Friend
It did not take too long to figure myself out. I used to like you. A lot. Enough to make me waiver when you told me, "I could totally see myself with you," a year and a half after our "talking" ended. But, even though I could also see myself being with you, and even making it work, it does not mean that I like you, and I don't. Which makes me wonder, do you like me? Or is it just because I care so much for you (as a friend), and because I make the effort to show you I give a damn? It would be better if that was the case, otherwise it would make me sad to have to tell you it won't work this time, and that your chance is over. Which would be really sad, because if you had told me just this past summer, I probably would have still had enough feelings for you to be able to reciprocate. But I don't anymore. I don't really know what kind of response you wanted. But this would be the one I'd give you.
But then, another blog is written. It's to your ex-girlfriend. It's about how it has been 3 years, and how she still has been on your mind everyday. I think, Well, It's a good thing I don't like you anymore, because that would have seriously hurt me." And it would have. I know this, because it has already happened to me before. While we were "talking." I liked you. You liked me. We had a thing going. But then, you would write these blogs about how this girl hurt you, but how you still love her, and how you still want her, and how you think about her everyday, and how no one has ever compared to her. Gee. Thanks. How did you think that made me feel? It seriously hurt me.
And, unless you get your act together, it will hurt the next girl you're with. And if you're not careful, it will hurt you, too. When you tell a girl you might want to be with her, and then blog about your ex, and how she's always on your mind, then that girl will be too hurt to want to be with you. Then, you'll be lonely.
I don't really know why I wrote all this. Maybe, I just wanted to let you know how hurt I was back then. Maybe, I want you to be good to the next girl. I don't want to see another girl in the same pain I was in. Maybe, I wanted to warn you, so that you may take care of yourself, and not dig yourself into a lonely grave. It's probably all of the above. Take care.
From,
An Equally Honest Friend
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Brain Fart 9: One Ends, One Begins
At the end of last quarter, my favorite teacher from grade school died. On that very day, Starfish** told me that she was pregnant. I couldn't help but think, One ends, one begins.
How will this one end up?
Kaylani**, up until recently, had been stuck on Ghibli**. Finally, she found someone new. I couldn't help but think, One ends, one begins.
How will this one end up?
Today, Glory** finally had her hearts questions answered. Her love-interest headache was resolved. As of 2am today, mine are just beginning. I can't help but think, One ends, one begins.
How will this one end up?
Dear Heavenly Father,
You constantly remind us how You will take care of us. Even as one ends, you begin another for us. This, I'm not too sure how You want it to end. I'm not sure how I want it to end. Please, just help me keep faith that You will take care of me. Just how You give our weather a happy ending, whether it be sun or rainbow, You will provide me with a happy ending. Thank You, Lord.
Amen.
**Not their real name
How will this one end up?
Kaylani**, up until recently, had been stuck on Ghibli**. Finally, she found someone new. I couldn't help but think, One ends, one begins.
How will this one end up?
Today, Glory** finally had her hearts questions answered. Her love-interest headache was resolved. As of 2am today, mine are just beginning. I can't help but think, One ends, one begins.
How will this one end up?
Dear Heavenly Father,
You constantly remind us how You will take care of us. Even as one ends, you begin another for us. This, I'm not too sure how You want it to end. I'm not sure how I want it to end. Please, just help me keep faith that You will take care of me. Just how You give our weather a happy ending, whether it be sun or rainbow, You will provide me with a happy ending. Thank You, Lord.
Amen.
**Not their real name
Monday, February 8, 2010
Brain Fart 8: Chillaxxxxx
I kind of hate it when people tell me to "chill out." I feel like that just makes me more upset.
It happens every so often. I usually am only a little worked up, or upset, at the time someone tells me to relax/chill/chillax. But, I am a fast talker by nature. So when I get the slightest bit excited, upset, etc, I start talking even faster. I guess people take that as me freaking out. So they tell me to "chillax," which then usually just gets me more riled up, because I'm like, "I'M NOT FREAKING OUT!" hahahahaha yea. I bet I look SO CHILLAXED when I do that. But it's annoying. There's a reason why I'm upset. And it annoys me when someone tries to belittle that. It's like they're saying, "it's no biggie." Well, what if it is to me? And that's when my "worked up" starts shifting to "freaking out," which isn't fair, because it's like that person caused the effect that they were already accusing me of. So, then, it looks like I was freaking out from the beginning, and makes me look like some cry-baby when I get even more upset.
Too bad that while I reread this blog, it sounds like I need to chillax. Boo.
ahhh darn loops =[
It happens every so often. I usually am only a little worked up, or upset, at the time someone tells me to relax/chill/chillax. But, I am a fast talker by nature. So when I get the slightest bit excited, upset, etc, I start talking even faster. I guess people take that as me freaking out. So they tell me to "chillax," which then usually just gets me more riled up, because I'm like, "I'M NOT FREAKING OUT!" hahahahaha yea. I bet I look SO CHILLAXED when I do that. But it's annoying. There's a reason why I'm upset. And it annoys me when someone tries to belittle that. It's like they're saying, "it's no biggie." Well, what if it is to me? And that's when my "worked up" starts shifting to "freaking out," which isn't fair, because it's like that person caused the effect that they were already accusing me of. So, then, it looks like I was freaking out from the beginning, and makes me look like some cry-baby when I get even more upset.
Too bad that while I reread this blog, it sounds like I need to chillax. Boo.
ahhh darn loops =[
Brain Fart 7: All Glory and Glasses to God
Yes, that title didn't really make sense. This blog might not make too much sense, either.
These are some things I have learned while failingly trying not to be involved with these two friends of mine. My apartmentmate, Glory**, like this guy, Glasses**. She's liked him for about a year now. A lot of things happened. A lot. Basically, for the past month, gas has been leaking into this whole thing. For the past couple of weeks, sparks have been flying. And now, it has finally exploded. Tonight.
I get a call from Glasses. He tells me he had been talking to Glory, said some mean things, and she ran off. At night. In the rain. So he tells me he's gonna come pick me up so we can look for her. Just about a minute and a half later, Glory calls. She is hysterical. Telling me how much she hates him, while not telling me where she is. As she's going off, Glasses arrives, and pulls me out the door with him. He's so ashamed at what he said, he can't even tell me. So as we drive to the name of the street Glory told me she was on as I was hanging up, all was quiet. During that time, the events of the past few weeks run through my mind.
Among those events, I remember the talk I had with Glory just a couple of weeks ago. It's the same thing I told Glasses a few days after. This is what I said.
You know that show, Fear Factor? I was watching it once, where each contestant had needles of different widths stuck in their arms. This imagery seemed to work with their situation. Glasses stuck a needle in Glory's arm. That is when she started liking him, with him not liking her back. This is when he found out she liked him, and decided to not say anything, because he was too scared. This is when her life started going slightly downhill. Now, the needle is in her arm. The base on one side, the point sticking out of the other side. 3 things can happen.
1, Glory and Glasses can cut off their friendship, pretend it never happened. That would be as though Glasses pulled the needle back out from the base. It may not hurt as the other choices, and they might have healed faster, but there would be no satisfaction or closure, because they didn't do what they needed to do, but took the easy way out. And the game, their friendship, would be over.
2, which is what Glasses should have done from the beginning, is to finish it. Tell her he wasn't interested, tell her the complete truth, and be done with it. This would be as though Glasses pulled the needle all the way through. The pain would be big, and the wound might heal slower. However, the pain would eventually go away, and they could leave as the winners, with each other's friendship intact.
3, which is what Glasses had been doing, was leaving things at a standstill. He knew that sticking the needle in Glory's arm had hurt her. Thinking about how much pain he brought her, and thinking about how bad a person he was for putting her through that pain, he didn't want to hurt her anymore, and decided to leave her be, thinking it would be better for her. Too bad he forgot that the needle was still in her arm. She was waiting for him to take it out. Sure, it would hurt her more to remove the needle, but leaving it in there also causes pain. The longer the needle stayed in her arm, the more it hurt. And the worst part was that it wouldn't heal. Because the needle was still there. There was no closure.
Glasses parks the car on the street that Glory had told me she had walked to. We split up. Glasses is the one to find her, but instead of facing her, calls me back to talk to her. This reminded me what Glory had told me of their first conversation about their whole situation.
Glasses had worn a beanie over his glasses while Glory covered her eyes with her hands. They always did that. They refused to acknowledge what was going on. They would never tell each other the straight up truth. They always hide things, usually their whole, true feelings, while hiding behind something: hands, beanies, pretty, pseudo-intellectual words, etc. They so severely lacked the communication every true friendship requires.
I get to Glory. One minute, she’s ranting about how angry she was at what Glasses had told her, and the next, she’s ranting about how she hates how Glasses can’t accept grace. She says she hates him, but we all know that’s not true. If she hated him, she wouldn’t get so upset at the things he said, especially about his own well-being.
Before, Glasses had told me he’s been saying things to her meaner than he truly feels because he wants her to hate him. He thinks it would be better for Glory to hate him, forget about him.
These two are so dumb. They say they want the other to go away, when they care about each other so f***ing much. I’ve told them both before that they need to be completely honest to each other, say exactly what is on their minds. To each other. So, as Glory looks at me with searching, pleading eyes, I see Glasses down the street, just standing in the cold, waiting. I look at Glory, crying because she cares so much about Glasses. I look to Glasses, who had literally pulled me out of my own apartment for worrying about Glory.
“GLASSES GET OVER HERE!” I yell, and start walking towards him. “Glory, come with me.” She follows. We meet in the middle. They meet in the middle. I put them in the one position they seem to fear the most: facing each other, eye to eye. I start them off by asking them questions they have to answer in front of each other. After a while, I leave them by themselves, so they have to talk to each other, and not to me. I can only take them so far. It’s their friendship. They can do whatever they want, as long as it is what they truly want.
The lessons that I learned from this, I myself know what they are, but I don’t really know how to word it. But, I think you’ll get it, too.
Oh. One last thing. You’re probably wondering, “so…why is God in the title?” right? Usually, I am really busy with dance, school, homework, or whatever. Today, I had nothing. I had a lot of free time. It felt so weird. I was like, “How? Why?” Well, I think God planned it this way, so that I was around when this all went down. Thank you, God =]
** Not their real names
These are some things I have learned while failingly trying not to be involved with these two friends of mine. My apartmentmate, Glory**, like this guy, Glasses**. She's liked him for about a year now. A lot of things happened. A lot. Basically, for the past month, gas has been leaking into this whole thing. For the past couple of weeks, sparks have been flying. And now, it has finally exploded. Tonight.
I get a call from Glasses. He tells me he had been talking to Glory, said some mean things, and she ran off. At night. In the rain. So he tells me he's gonna come pick me up so we can look for her. Just about a minute and a half later, Glory calls. She is hysterical. Telling me how much she hates him, while not telling me where she is. As she's going off, Glasses arrives, and pulls me out the door with him. He's so ashamed at what he said, he can't even tell me. So as we drive to the name of the street Glory told me she was on as I was hanging up, all was quiet. During that time, the events of the past few weeks run through my mind.
Among those events, I remember the talk I had with Glory just a couple of weeks ago. It's the same thing I told Glasses a few days after. This is what I said.
You know that show, Fear Factor? I was watching it once, where each contestant had needles of different widths stuck in their arms. This imagery seemed to work with their situation. Glasses stuck a needle in Glory's arm. That is when she started liking him, with him not liking her back. This is when he found out she liked him, and decided to not say anything, because he was too scared. This is when her life started going slightly downhill. Now, the needle is in her arm. The base on one side, the point sticking out of the other side. 3 things can happen.
1, Glory and Glasses can cut off their friendship, pretend it never happened. That would be as though Glasses pulled the needle back out from the base. It may not hurt as the other choices, and they might have healed faster, but there would be no satisfaction or closure, because they didn't do what they needed to do, but took the easy way out. And the game, their friendship, would be over.
2, which is what Glasses should have done from the beginning, is to finish it. Tell her he wasn't interested, tell her the complete truth, and be done with it. This would be as though Glasses pulled the needle all the way through. The pain would be big, and the wound might heal slower. However, the pain would eventually go away, and they could leave as the winners, with each other's friendship intact.
3, which is what Glasses had been doing, was leaving things at a standstill. He knew that sticking the needle in Glory's arm had hurt her. Thinking about how much pain he brought her, and thinking about how bad a person he was for putting her through that pain, he didn't want to hurt her anymore, and decided to leave her be, thinking it would be better for her. Too bad he forgot that the needle was still in her arm. She was waiting for him to take it out. Sure, it would hurt her more to remove the needle, but leaving it in there also causes pain. The longer the needle stayed in her arm, the more it hurt. And the worst part was that it wouldn't heal. Because the needle was still there. There was no closure.
Glasses parks the car on the street that Glory had told me she had walked to. We split up. Glasses is the one to find her, but instead of facing her, calls me back to talk to her. This reminded me what Glory had told me of their first conversation about their whole situation.
Glasses had worn a beanie over his glasses while Glory covered her eyes with her hands. They always did that. They refused to acknowledge what was going on. They would never tell each other the straight up truth. They always hide things, usually their whole, true feelings, while hiding behind something: hands, beanies, pretty, pseudo-intellectual words, etc. They so severely lacked the communication every true friendship requires.
I get to Glory. One minute, she’s ranting about how angry she was at what Glasses had told her, and the next, she’s ranting about how she hates how Glasses can’t accept grace. She says she hates him, but we all know that’s not true. If she hated him, she wouldn’t get so upset at the things he said, especially about his own well-being.
Before, Glasses had told me he’s been saying things to her meaner than he truly feels because he wants her to hate him. He thinks it would be better for Glory to hate him, forget about him.
These two are so dumb. They say they want the other to go away, when they care about each other so f***ing much. I’ve told them both before that they need to be completely honest to each other, say exactly what is on their minds. To each other. So, as Glory looks at me with searching, pleading eyes, I see Glasses down the street, just standing in the cold, waiting. I look at Glory, crying because she cares so much about Glasses. I look to Glasses, who had literally pulled me out of my own apartment for worrying about Glory.
“GLASSES GET OVER HERE!” I yell, and start walking towards him. “Glory, come with me.” She follows. We meet in the middle. They meet in the middle. I put them in the one position they seem to fear the most: facing each other, eye to eye. I start them off by asking them questions they have to answer in front of each other. After a while, I leave them by themselves, so they have to talk to each other, and not to me. I can only take them so far. It’s their friendship. They can do whatever they want, as long as it is what they truly want.
The lessons that I learned from this, I myself know what they are, but I don’t really know how to word it. But, I think you’ll get it, too.
Oh. One last thing. You’re probably wondering, “so…why is God in the title?” right? Usually, I am really busy with dance, school, homework, or whatever. Today, I had nothing. I had a lot of free time. It felt so weird. I was like, “How? Why?” Well, I think God planned it this way, so that I was around when this all went down. Thank you, God =]
** Not their real names
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